What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

By breaking free of the cycle and putting your children first you are making a judgement on her parenting. By refusing to follow her lead and centre your abusive father you’re making it clear she was a bad mother.

If she can convince you to continue to see him she can pretend she was a great mother and the abuse wasn’t so bad.

it is too late for me now. I am way too broken to be save. I recognise I am still in the cycle of abuse myself, because I am completely unable to protect myself and walk away from my mother. I have no ability to walk away or to leave her, I don't know how to. So in some ways I am still stuck and she knows this. I can't leave her for fear 'something will happen to her'

OP- it is not too late and you are not broken.

I urge you to seek help with these feelings via therapy or counselling. It takes time to unpick and unravel this kind of stuff and I think it would benefit you greatly.

You arent broken because 1. you realise what is going on and self awareness is half the battle. 2. You have protected your children, so you arent continuing the abuse cycle.

Thoughts arent facts. They are merely the musings of our brains as a result of prior repetitive patterns and habits and they can be changed. You dont have to take on board or to heart every thought that enters your head about your mother. I am not saying it is easy, but it is doable.

Yes I would consider therapy again.

I had it before, after posting on here actually, and my psychotherapist seemed to think my father was a psychopath (and would never be diagnosed because he would never think to see someone in the first place) and my mother was a covert narcissist that has used the situation to her advantage. The 'Poor Me' victim narrative that generates lots of attention for her. That was years ago. Back then, we decided to keep contact with my mother and put my father out of reach.

The issue is now it feels abusive as well.
My relationship with my mother is now really struggling.

I have kind of given up on the fact I will ever have any kind of family or protection. I have however made my peace with the abuse, the scarring and the past. So that is progress, but I don't know how to manage any kind of relationship with my mother now.

I think I am beginning to realise that my mother has been complicit and more than that, part of the problem so low contact may not work.

I fear every day something will happen to her, and I will never see her again, and that is probably something I need to talk about. It keeps me locked in this cycle. Thank you for all of your posts and support, some have made me cry.

I am sorry for those that are also going through this. It is so hard at times.

The truth is I have given up on myself in some ways. It is too late for me now. I am way too broken to be save. I recognise I am still in the cycle of abuse myself, because I am completely unable to protect myself and walk away from my mother. I have no ability to walk away or to leave her, I don't know how to. So in some ways I am still stuck and she knows this. I can't leave her for fear 'something will happen to her'

You may feel broken, but look how strong you have been.You refused to allow your child to be damaged by their grandparents.

You don't have to leave your Mother, but communicate by text. Change the conversation if it turns to your Father. Simply do not engage with anything to do with him.
Short sweet texts. Surface chat like she's a neighbour you rarely see. You will know soon enough if ' anything happens' to her. One a day and that's it, and nothing deep and meaningful.
Of course you want your Mum to love and care for you, that's natural, but she needs to be kept in a 'box'.

I had it before, after posting on here actually, and my psyhcotherapist seemed to think my father was a psychopath (and would never be diagnosed because he would never think to see someone in the first place) and my mother was a covert narcissist that has used the situation to her advantage. The 'Poor Me' victim narrative that generates lots of attention for her. That was years ago. Back then, we decided to keep contact with my mother and put my father out of reach

This really does explain everything about the dynamic you describe. I think this is spot on.

I really feel for you OP. I have a somewhat similar situation with my own mother. She has also turned a blind eye to my father’s abuse and expects me and my siblings to pretend it never happened. I’m sorry to say that as a result none of us have any contact with her. I feel extremely bad about it but it helps me to remember that it’s her choice, not mine, in effect, and it’s also very clear to me when I consider my children who I’m never going to expose to an abuser.

This might sound a bit random but when I read the book “Educated” by Tara Westover it helped me understand my own family dynamic. Her situation was very different from mine in many ways but the thing that struck a chord was this overarching need to remain loyal to one’s family and never to admit to the outside world that there’s anything wrong. Unpicking that is a life’s work. Possibly tangential to your situation but the reason for mentioning it is that you have to be gentle with yourself and remember that you are having to reprogramme yourself after a lifetime of being made to see things a certain way.

Good luck OP. You’re not alone.

I think your mother is a deeply and irretrievably damaged woman. She will never change and it will continue to cause pain to you if you hope she will.

It is up to you to decide if what she can offer in terms of a ' relationship', which is what you have now, is enough or whether it would be less painful for you to end contact.

Its a really shit situation OP, and I feel for you.

OP if your mother was treating your children how she treats you, what would you do? I’m guessing you’d stop all contact to protect them. Please value yourself as much as you value them!

HG Tudor on YouTube describes psychopaths and narcs very well, it might be helpful for you to watch some of his videos.

I'm sorry, OP.
I grew up in a Communist country and both my parents were emotionally abusive.
For you, the best thing would be to go completely no contact.
May I ask, are your parents members of so called "Silent Generation"?
Not imposing anything, however, in my country these people were the utmost bastards (and still are, the surviving ones).

Much for "Silent". 😂

What my therapist was unable to do was offer a solution. She said it is an impossible situation as a child, because we effectively become the parent (so in fact I have become the protective parent of my mother) as she was the poor victim in our family. Leaving a child (my mother) in a known abusive situation is extremely hard to do.

This makes sense because when my mother had her first nervous breakdown, I had to take care of the house and my brother and her.

I am finding it hard to walk away because I am the parent, not the child, in this relationship.

I haven't had parents so to speak, I have always been the one to care, look after and support her/them all of my life.

I have posted to ask if anyone else can help me figure out what to do, if they have been in similar positions and what worked. How can I manage this...because actually having read all of your posts, I do think she is discreetly continuing to abuse me under the guise of 'love'.

Block her! She is as bad as your father she knowingly let you go through all your childhood being treated badly. Sorry but that’s not love!
break the cycle!

Also when your dad dies she will be after someone to take care of her! But she didn’t take cake of you did she? Seriously get away now while you can op .

You have to block her on WhatsApp, you can't do this every day. You're being triggered every 24 hours as a form of control by your abusers.

You would have blocked ages ago if it was a friend or colleague or a random guy you'd met or an online date. Just because they're blood relatives doesn't mean they have a free pass to continue to abuse you.

Explain first that her daily message is upsetting for you, and that you can contact each other, just not via WhatsApp.

You need to end the daily torture for yourself.

She is doing it to make herself feel better- even at your expense. I am so sorry that both parents have let you down so badly. I think you sound incredibly strong, reflective and whole.

I think if it is on WhatsApp, I would archive and mute her and then gradually reduce how often you check what she’s sent you. Start every other day, then every 3 etc, until you are checking maybe once a week. At least that puts some boundaries around how often it can hurt you..

If something happens to her, someone will contact you.

Actually you are completely right, I am being triggered every day.

My heart sinks every day I see her name flash up.

Every day it reminds me of what I don't have.

I can not imagine putting my children or anyone at all in the whole world through this on a daily basis.

Tell her you are going to block the messages, and if she wants to speak to you to call XXX instead.

Love is what you do, not what you say.

Please do consider therapy again. I think you have spent so long concentrating on your father and his behaviour you are only just opening your eyes to the part your mother has (and continues to) play in this.

You need to get to a point where you are as comfortable as possible with the (imo, correct decision) to not see your mother again and understanding that it is because she does not deserve to see you again. Not because of you, because of her. She was responsible for you and she failed you, in a horiffic way. You are not responsible for her and you do not owe her a damn thing.

You have to put your children first now and part of that is protecting your own mental well being for their sake and yours.

I am finding it hard to walk away because I am the parent, not the child, in this relationship.

You sound very self aware. You do not sound broken, even if you are still undergoing trauma you sound strong, and capable, and caring.

You didn’t have parents, so now you must parent yourself. Your mum has your brother, your father and your extended family to parent her. It’s absolutely not your job.

Mute the WhatsApp conversation.
Don’t message your news.

This can be a temporary decision, done quietly just for yourself, for now. It’s not forever. Mute the WhatsApp now and therapy in the meantime to help you come to terms with your fear of the future.

Sending love, internet stranger

She has chosen him, over you and your children, she did it as a child while he was abusing you and she still does it now.

Trust me on this, cut contact and never look back, once she is out of your life you will grieve for her, but you will come to realise over time that you are only grieving the concept of her.. and the concept of a loving mother figure.. she isn't that person and never will be, but we are programmed to seek that affection, love and acceptance, no matter what they do to us, it's not your fault, but you can end it now.

Would you accept your husband beating and abusing your children? .. That's all you have to remember that when you feel guilty about it.

Hi OP. congratulations on finding the strength to cut contact with your father. You have been more than reasonable in your actions/words. As for your mother's daily messages, can you work on 'detaching' from them? As hard as it seems, it would be a way of 'putting them away'.
Stay strong, your children and family are very lucky to have you

Just thinking the PPs idea of checking the messages once a week to see if anything's changed could be an idea?

Really though what you need is to move forward and find a way of coping with how this makes you feel, and that's where the therapists come in

My heart goes out to you, having suffered a similar setup. My mother condoned her partners abusive behaviour under the guise of we needed discipline. The horror of my childhood lives with me and my sister to this day.

My mother now very elderly and with dementia feels we owe her !

please take care of you and continue the excellent care you have given your children

Honestly, I don’t think you should be in contact with your mother either. She enabled the abuse. She didn’t keep you safe and choose to stay in an abusive relationship. Like many women, too concerned about keeping up false appearances, seemed to do at that time.

If your father is a psychopath and your mother a narcissist then you have no option but to cut off all contact. This is the core of who they are and neither are capable of empathy - it literally doesnt exist in their brains, it's like expecting an apple tree to produce cherries. Never going to happen. If your psychotherapist is right about your mother then even after your father dies she wont change. She will continually triangulate you with your father even after he is dead and she will still try to manipulate and control you. The "good times" you had with her without him are just her keeping up the facade with you to keep control of you- it was done for her benefit, not yours. This hot and cold dynamic is typical of narcs. They reel you in just to spit you out again later on down the line.

In that sense there is no "solution" because you cannot ever have a healthy relationship with either a psychopath or a narc.

The only "solution" is to get away from both and focus on your own family and seek support and love from other sources and to seek therapy to help you process your own damage that they have caused.

Resigning from the role of being her mother will undoubtably be hard but at the end of the day it all comes down to this- you can only save one person here and I hope you pick yourself. If you cant do it for you, then do it for your lovely children. Be the person she will never be.