What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

I couldn't not reply as your posts and you working through the history of what you have been subject to is truly horrible.
I get that you want the happy ending and I get that your inner child is still wondering what you did wrong but you didn't do a thing. This was NOT YOUR FAULT.

You do right to silence the WhatsApp messages and give yourself some head space. It's a simple thing but I think we should always ask what we'd tell a very good friend in this position and try to do that. I am so proud you got out and made that distance. I think some therapy will work out for you why it's ok to stay away from, go incredibly low if not no contact and also to maybe pull back from your brother too. As he's probably suffering if he's blocking out the past. His acceptance won't help your mum understand you.
I truly hope you find peace here. You deserve what you're giving to your children for yourself. Peace. And you song amazing

OP, I'm so sorry for everything you've gone through.

You speak so eloquently of the little child inside you longing to be taken care of and kept safe.

I'd like to suggest you take time every day to imagine that child, picture yourself at that age. And talk to yourself. Offer yourself that love and attention and care. Allow that child to cry and scream and rage - whatever they want or need to do or say. And be there for them. Love them and accept them.

I wish you all the best xxx

The messages are irrelevant, her behaviour is what counts and it sounds very toxic. You need to look after yourself and your family as they are what matters now. It may sound harsh but your mum made her choice and decided to side with her husband. You don’t owe either of them anything at all. I hope you find some peace, it sounds like you e suffered enough x

Genuinely, yes, she wants me to bring my children back to a man she has openly acknowledged is harmful to my children for them to continue to be abused by him so she can play happy families. It is deeply shocking. For her it is more important to get the family back together than it is to keep the children safe. It is her number one priority.

She has given up trying to change him, that isn't going to happen, so if she can try and force us to accept him as he is, then she can be happy again with her family back together.

It is seriously messed up.

Her priority here is not my children, or my well being - but her own wish to have everyone back on good terms (even though she knows it can't possibly last more than hour or two) This is all she cares about.

My mother knows he is awful and dangerous, she has admitted he is awful on multiple occasions and that what he does is abuse. And yet she seems more interested in ensuring her wishes are met for us all to pretend nothing awful has happened - or indeed happening and she gets to have a slice of the good life for a few hours before he shatters it again.

You have remembered so well! Yes, that was the last time I saw him and a good few years ago. I came on to MN for support then, and it was the last time I stood in a room with him. We agreed on the thread to keep up contact with my mother and cut my father out, which I did, but now things have become so difficult with my mother as well I have posted again this week.

I can't believe you remember that! Yes that was me.

This made me feel nauseous. She's no better than your father OP, you deserved at least one decent parent and I'm sorry you didn't get one. She put her wants ahead of your needs every step of the way. Block her on WhatsApp, if she really needs to contact you she will find another route.

Your mother is thinking of the future @Hummingbird75
Her future.
If your father dies she will be on her own.
She is drawing you back in so you will be there for her when he is gone.

If it were me I'd have nothing to do with her.

I am so lucky to have the Mum I have when i read threads on here about unsupportive mothers

I agree with this @deeahgwitch
When your father dies she will be thinking everything is fine I have Humingbird to look after me etc.,.

I can tell you it is a real shock to them when that doesn't happen and you stay away with your children.

She will play victim and blame him and YOU for being hard and unforgiving.

She stood by and listened to those screams. The screams of a young child.
She directed his abuse towards you.
She is no better than him.

Pull away now, accept the reality of who they are.
Continue to be the loving mother you are and don't waste anymore of your one life trying to understand THEIR ugliness.

Just stay the hell away from their toxicity.

OP, you've had so many helpful messages. I think your therapist was spot on identifying your mother as a covert narc. Her behaviour is hideous.

You've had therapy, you have more insight into your family dynamics, but I don't feel you've had enough therapy yet to fully accept that you cannot change your parents and will never get your mother to be the mother you need. You're still trauma bonded with her, and that is what is keeping you hooked in with her games.

But the fact is you don't actually need her to be that mother now. That's the yearning child in you that craves that. You can move towards complete acceptance, but I would highly recommend you go back into therapy, and go no contact with your mother until you get to the point of complete indifference to how she feels or behaves. It is possible. I've been where you are now, and once thought it was impossible to come to terms with my parents' appalling behaviour. I was wrong. It very much is possible and it's completely liberating. My father is still alive and still doing his 'I love you/you're so awful' narc crap on me and he gets no reaction at all because no bit of me cares any more.

I'm really sorry that things haven't improved since then. It was the totally cruelty of your mother that stuck in my head from that thread - where she directed your father where to find you and beat you while she just calmly carried on cooking and ignoring your screams/scars.

Your mother is sending those messages for herself, not you. As evidence of her concern. Of course given her behaviour they mean absolutely nothing .
You sound strong , do whatever you need to do putting yourself and your children first. She deserves nothing from you, I wouldn’t even bother replying.

Oh golly op, I remember your thread about Christmas - I felt so upset on your behalf. I am so sorry you don’t have the parents you deserve - they are as bad as each other in very different ways - and your eloquent writing really affected me. I hope you cut them both off completely - for your kids as well as yourself. I wish you love, luck and joy going forward.

OP, so much of your story is the same as mine. I believe there may be more than one reason for your mother to try to get you (& your DC) back with your father.

One is, as you say, so that in her eyes there's a happy, united family. Another is so that to the outside world, everything looks normal. A third reason (& this was a big factor in my parent's relationship) is that your father may be putting pressure on her to get you back & available for abuse - bluntly, to serve up victims for him. To groom them on his behalf, to enable his abuse. My father was relentless in breaking someone down if they didn't do what he wanted. Yours may be doing the same behind the scenes.

I had the same problem with my mother. I tried to see just her, but the first time we met up alone (I'd already told her I wouldn't go to their house or see my father any more), she just tried to get me to go to their house & have dinner with them both! It was hopeless. I went NC with them both & kept it up from that day onwards. It's a personal decision & we each make our own choices at different stages of our lives, so I'm not saying you should do the same.

If she is encouraging his potential future abuse of you and your children and sweep it all under the carpet, then that makes her an abuser too. I also suspect that since all she's interested in is trying to get what she wants (which is to play 'happy families'), she may be something of a deluded narcissist. She doesn't care about you and the children, she cares only about herself.

I'm so sorry.

sweetheart. Block her.
Regardless of wtf her intention is -the contct she is hving with you,is at best disturbing.
Your dad, is a write off-not sorry or bothered..fk him... Your mum hasnt and isnt protexctive of you or your kids.regrdless of her "love messages"which somewhere in her world she my well men..they re damaging to you.
Youve come this far-and are a parent now. You dont have to hate them,you dont have to "understnd"them and you sure s hell do not hve to suffer them.
whether coersive or equally as abusive.they int gony change.
So.step into your own self worth. Change how you deal with them. and for yourown sanity-cut them both off.You can not change day of it.you can not change them.
whether or not you send intimation before block is up to you.(i wouldnt)
You can respect and love yourself enough to tke control and make it stop. Guilt free-you were ALWAYS the child in this situation. theres bound to be self-help if cant afford therapy. x

You are being abused by both your parents I’m afraid OP. Zero contact with both is the only way

Narc 101 - Cut them out and don’t look back. The mother that you want a relationship with doesn’t exists and facing that hurts too much. You don’t owe anyone anything and you don’t have to put up with anyone or anything including the flying monkeys. You don’t need to explain or justify. Once you have made peace with that, the rest becomes easy. You are not in control of their outcome, only your own. No matter how much you want things to be different, these people are selfish and all about themselves. I’m so sorry 🫂

I really feel for you OP. Your mum can’t cut ties with your abusive dad. You can’t cut ties with your abusive mum. You’re both trapped. You are cut off from one another. But. You should be incredibly proud that you’ve survived this. So many of us don’t, through no fault of our own. And you’ve broken the cycle by protecting your own kids. You owe it to them to go that but further. Don’t be gaslit by your mother. This is her choice, not your guilt. If she expects you to put up with abuse from
your father as the price of her love, you have to walk away. What she’s offering isn’t love, which is unconditional, it’s just emotional blackmail. You won’t get her love by giving in, just more and more blackmail, that’s how blackmail works. I’m so sorry but you will have to look for love from other people. You will find it because unlike your parents, you know how to love. I’m so sorry - nothing makes up for not having a good loving family and all you can do is limit the damage. It’s unfair, I’m afraid. All good wishes from someone who’s been there.

I know it is extremely difficult, but you need to cut them both off completely.

When your mum says these things, do you think she knows what love is? Consider her abusive marital relationship, the obvious lack of love her husband has for her children, her choosing that man over you. I don’t think she does and she’s sending you words that are hollow because they aren’t backed by actions. Your words to her need to be louder. She needs to STOP sending daily messages that are a traumatising reminder of an appalling lack of love and care as a child. Tell her that’s what they are.

Not rtft.

Some of the early comments on here are shocking.

Your mum has failed you.
Your dad has failed you.
They are both abusive. I have been through similar with my parents and I have difficulty recognising the abuse from my mother as it takes place in a different form now. It's not the typical controlling and physical abuse that my father did.

Anyway OP I'd block her. FWIW my mother sends similar messages. I think she genuinely believes she's a good mother and believes what she says. It's bats it. Her messages to you are to try and convince herself and absolve herself of any wrongdoing as much as anything.

In effect you never had a mother. Not a proper one as she was complicit in your abuse. Let yourself grieve that, it’s incredibly hard to come to terms with. Grieve that and that your children missed out on grandparents. It’s very sad. You did nothing wrong. You were a child and I think you should be incredibly proud at breaking the cycle and prioritizing yourself and your children. Look for the love you seek in them, yourself, your friends and all the good you do in the world. You deserve it and you are unlikely to find it in your parents.

This thread is one of the saddest I've ever read on here. I want to give you the biggest hug @Hummingbird75. You have been so open and eloquent despite how painful it is for you to talk about all of this.

I know you don't want to ruminate too much on the past but given the extensive trauma you have experienced, I really would urge you to explore therapy as I think it would be a huge benefit to you. It won't be easy necessarily but with a good therapist you should be able to find a place of peace.

I think you have come to the realisation yourself that it's not just your father who is the abuser, your Mum is too. And I realise how painful a proposition it is to look back at your life with your mother with a different lens but she has all the traits of a narcissist and being parented by a narcissist is just as damaging as being beaten to a pulp, often moreso.

You need to cut ties with your mother but attending therapy to prepare you for this is imperative. Or you may not wish to but rather use it to come to terms with not having the mother/daughter bond that you had thought you may have.

For now, I would take control of the situation by blocking her number. She is triggering you and re-traumatising you by not just ignoring your express wishes, but actively going against them with verbose and meaningless slush. Actions speak louder than words and given your mother's track record I imagine the texts are a mechanism she can use to protest her innocence in her shoddy treatment of you, i.e. but I'm a great Mum, I text her every day to tell her how much I love her.

For your own peace of mind, block her, find a good therapist and then when you've talked it out and really got to the root of everything, you will feel stronger and be able to make a decision on how you wish to go forward in your relationship with her, which may not be any at all. People pleasing and the wish to 'do the right thing' by others while ignoring one's own needs is common in people with complex backgrounds so you'll be able to thrash this out too. Therapy will will help you make the decision that is right for you and your own wellbeing.

Sending you so much love and healing xx

@Hummingbird75 i am so sorry for all you have experienced from your parents. Your father’s behaviour is disgusting, which
I am sure you know. Your mother isn’t much better. He stopped physically abusing her when he transferred that to you? She did nothing to stop that? She didn’t leave him? was she just relieved to throw you to the wolves and save herself? What kind of mother uses her child as a scapegoat and bunching bag for her husband’s rage and sadistic behaviour?

Take a minute to think of how you have reacted to his abuse. You protected your children and removed him from their lives. You should be applauded for ending this cycle of abuse. You are a far better mother than your own.

Please look up Rebecca C Mandeville, Jay Reid and Heidi Priebe. All have fantastic You Tube channels on Scapegoating abuse in family systems.

My advice would be to focus on your own family and have no contact with your parents. Block your mother on your phone so she can’t send these very gas lighting messages. It’s confusing to receive these gushing expressions of love while her actions show the opposite. You have told her to stop and she doesn’t respect your boundaries so make them firmer.

Your gut reaction is telling you something. You need to listen. I also think your illness is a result of this abuse from both your parents. You should do some research on this.

You are a very strong person to protect your children the way you have. You are also clearly empathetic and kind. It’s time to use the qualities for yourself and to take care of you. No one has the right to abuse you, whatever their title may be.

I grew up in a similar situation but it was a step- father, not my own father, and I was repeatedly sexually abused rather than physically (although that is still physical), as well as verbally and mentally.
I've tried speaking to my mother through the years, but she would hear none of it from me, and supported him all along.
I stayed in the family home longer than I should have because I have a younger sister and was terrified he would turn his attentions onto her if I left, but I did eventually go, felt terrible for doing so and leaving her behind, although I did stay in contact with her and regularly asked how things were with him now I'd gone. She said he was verbally abusive towards her, but it always came with a knock at me, telling her she was 'as bad as your sister'.
That was 35-40yrs ago. My mother still won't have anything said against him, so I blocked her from my life about 10yrs ago.
She wrote to me about 4 yrs ago, saying he'd died, with dementia and cancer (they couldn't have happened to a more deserving monster!), but I was still wary of seeing her. I did see her, and she told me her tale of woe about how hard it had been on her caring for him through his illnesses, and all I could think was that it was some small amount of payback for her total lack of compassion towards me.
I reinstated my block on her, then heard on the grapevine she'd remarried, and that this new man wanted us to build bridges, although she still vehemently denied what had halogens to me as a teenager.
I have absolutely no contact with her now.
It's only been very recently that my sister had asked for details of my 'allegations', and she listened to what I had to say and asked questions, although she wasn't able to say whether she believed what is said or not. At least she asked and listened to my experiences.
My sister regularly says that our mother wants contact, but she (sister) also thinks I'm waiting for an apology from her (mother). I know I'll never get an apology because she doesn't think she or her husband ever did anything wrong. In my head, as previous posters have said, by doing nothing, she enabled him to do (and get away with) what he did. So, until she's prepared to acknowledge what I was subjected to, I'm prepared for us both to go to our graves without ever speaking again.
I do, occasionally, wonder what it would be like to have a normal relationship with my mother, similar to the lovely one I have with my son, but I know the difference, I love my child, she's clearly never loved me, so I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm better off without her.