What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

I think alongside muting her, and archiving the chat, so you are not triggered everyday, you could also have a c+p response that serves you, not playing a game. Something like ‘Thanks Mum, do give me a call on the phone sometime.’ And send it sparingly, once a month or whatever. But ONLY if this is genuinely what you want - to offer her sincerely the honest need you have identified - and ALSO if you can hand-on-heart say you can cope with the (inevitable) disappointment when she continues to not call.

This is how I feel. I can forgive my stepdad, weirdly. He isn't a relation after all. But my mum - I can't forgive her for enabling him, she's the one who I feel really let me down.

But as a child it is so confusing. Even as an adult it is so confusing, because I find myself still looking for her humanity.

It sounds like a fruitless search, but honestly it is very hard to accept, because every now and then she does something lovely or acknowledges how awful it all was, or does something to make me believe she is a real person after all, and I start to believe I am finally getting somewhere - that she has awoken from a trancelike state of indifference and can be a real mother, and then she disappears again. Every time I get my hopes up that we are connecting and she is listening and is present, she just evaporates.

And it carries on just like that.

I just feel suddenly horrified, typing on here and realising how awful it all is, and why am I worrying about a few messages when all of this sits in the background.

Oh, OP.

Hold onto that horror for strength.

Then remind her of this if she is trying to guilt trip you into maintaining a relationship with her narcissistic, sadistic husband. She can accept you want nothing to do with him but do with her (some would tell you to go NC for her complicity in his abuse, but familial relationships are obviously multi-layered and extremely complicated, and it is t easy to sever your feelings for your primary care giver/s. But there’s absolutely no way you should feel you or your kids should have anything to do with that man again. The fact you spoke with him on the phone is more than most would do in your position. Your mum is no doubt feeling guilty, probably getting further abuse from him and us trying to minimise his behaviour past and present to justify remaining with him and not putting a stop to it. Thats her decision but you don’t have to play by their rules. Provide her with information that may help her LTB and seek support but you don’t either of them the opportunity to abuse you further. It’s her decision to stay. If she is doing it willingly there’s nothing more you can do. I understand how hard it is to navigate toxic family relationships and it’s easy for us to offer advice, but don’t let either of them bully you or emotionally manipulate you anymore OP.

Good luck with a happier future 💐

edited autocorrect

She’s 78. She’s never going to change, I’m afraid. She realises and understands and doesn’t care enough to change. She just dangles you.

Can you block her on WhatsApp at least, to prevent the daily messages?

@Hummingbird75 please take all the people who are in support of you in this threads words as allowance to cut both of these vile abusers off.
All the 'aww your poor mum' posters do you still have all the sympathy for a woman who stood by and watched her little child be sexually and physically abused?

No, he was an older teenage boy that would seek me out. I was terrified of him as I would not know when and where he would turn up, he also did in plain sight at times and I would freeze - just freeze. At that age I could not choose to go home from family events and not be there.

It took so much courage to tell my mother, I felt so sick and thought she would help stop it. She dismissed it entirely with one sentence 'just stay away from him' she seemed angry like it was my fault, and she went out for drinks that evening and left me, and never spoke about it again.

It took years for me to realise it was not my fault, as her reaction made me believe she was angry and she looked at me coldly as if I had brought it on myself.

I wish with every fibre of my being that you found the strength to reply "Goodbye" and then block completely.

You could then mourn for the Mum who never existed.

I wish this were true.

But no, I've seen all kinds of things explained away with 'but they're you're mum' 'but they're family' 'blood is thicker than water' etc.

Culturally speaking there's a huge amount of pressure for people to forgive all kinds of things if it comes from a relative. It's awful.

That's pointless. If she's a narcissist (and it sounds like she is) then she'll have told herself that either the abuse didn't happen, or she'll have totally minimised it and it'll be the OP's fault for being a 'challenging teenager' or similar. You can't call narcissists out on their misdemeanours, because they mentally rewrite the past so that those misdemeanours never happened, or happened but the narcissist had their hand forced by someone else, and they believe their own version of events.

I'm just really sorry you went through that, and that your mum didn't have your back. If that boy did that to my daughter, all hell would break loose.

Yes she has rewritten it all as herself cast as the victim, and we are all to blame in some shape or another. No one else is ever allowed to have suffered, or to be sad or to need care or love - only her. No other possibility is allowed, and certainly she has no capacity at all to see things from another view. Only her own.

Too bloody right! I have dds now and hell would freeze over.

Your mother is extremely damaged. That is not your fault or responsibility. As I was reading, I was wondering was she a covert narc (as my recently deceased "mother" was), and was interested to see that a therapist had suggested this. She is not capable of loving you in the normal sense, and whatever "loving" behaviour she shows you is conditional on you being exactly who she expects you to be. You are in or you are OUT.

As to her "nice" behaviour, read up on the Cycle of Abuse. The kind mother you hope for doesn't exist and so long as you hold on to the hope that she does, you will be stuck. It's shit.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/cycle-of-abuse/

My father was violent due to alcohol abuse, this stopped when I was a teenager but he was always selfish, although not cruel like my "mother". Like you, I didn't realise how bad she was whilst I was younger. It was actually only after my father died that I realised she was actually abusive. She's always played the victim, poor woman with an alcoholic husband (quite happy with the lifestyle he provided though), and to hell with what her children experienced.

She always claimed to love me yet would say horrific things. When she told me if I was a proper mother she'd have a better relationship with my children (who she never helped me with, just criticised them and my parenting), I'd finally had enough and blocked her. In subsequent letters she ignored everything I said, it was all poor me, poor me, and also claiming to love me. She played the victim to her family, who cut me off without finding out what happened, crying how she missed me so much. Her behaviour NEVER aligned with her words and I now know that someone needs to be judged by their behaviour towards me, not what they say.

She died 2 weeks ago, 3 years after I last saw her. I'm sad about the situation, I would have loved to have a mother that truly cared and didn't manipulate everything to get her own way. But I don't feel guilt. I did initially, but with the help of therapy I learned that she was not my responsibility, I didn't cause her behaviour which was ingrained before she & my father adopted me (still amazes me that they went out of their way to get children that they didn't really want). And importantly, I matter. It's ok for me to say "What about me?" and to want to have my needs met. It's ok to let her suffer the consequences of her own behaviour. So I stopped setting myself on fire to keep her warm.

I'd suggest you have a look at the Stately Homes thread here, you'll find your tribe. Also lots of resources in the first post. Lots of sad stories but wonderful support giving people a feeling of not being alone.

Why are you so gung ho about protecting your daughters, but not at all about protecting yourself?

Your daughters are watching and learning from how you allow others to treat you. They will see that your parents treat you terribly and you continue to welcome them into your life.

You sound like a lovely person OP but I hope someday you can find that same level of self-preservation for yourself that you clearly have for your children. You will all benefit <3

Yep. You can't argue with that, it's pointless even trying. If you're having a hard time yourself, she'll just ignore you (as mine did when I separated from my husband - not one single visit) or minimise it so it can't be as bad as anything she's been through ('but you're such a coper.' 'But your husband wasn't anywhere near as difficult as mine, you're so lucky.' 'But you're much better off than me and don't need help' etc etc).

Low contact really is the only way forward if you can't break off completely (and I can't either - for much the same reasons as you, because I don't want to cause WW3 within the family, which the narcissistic members would actively enjoy but I'd hate!).

@AnonymousBleep I agree totally with your post.

I've have tried on so many occasions over the last 30 years to tell my mother how badly I was/have been affected by my childhood. She will just not listen to or accept any of it. Even if I really push, all I will get is a rant blaming my father for it all, or she will turn around and be personally abusive.

My older brother told his wife that he has no happy childhood memories...unfortunately my sister in law (not realising my mother is a narc) then told my mother that. My mother became extremely angry, and made cracks of the 'oh yes we had him walking 10 miles a day to work down the mines' type. She now loathes my sister in law.

My mother has rewritten the past in a way that Stalin would have been proud of.

Because there is nothing there. She gives you just enough to keep hanging on because she knows if she was her true self with you 24/7, you'd go no contact and then she'd lose control of you. So her actions are vile but she throws out some syrupy words now and then to keep you hoping and clinging to the belief she might change. Unfortunately, that is the real her and its the fake niceness that is the mask, not the other way around.

It is baffling because most of us (thankfully) arent like that so it seems unfathomable and baffling to us. You are looking at being a parent through a completely different lens to her so you will never fully understand why she does it. You are looking at one view and she is looking at something entirely different which is why you cannot understand it.

I love my children, and I would never treat them the way your dad or mum has treated you. She didn't protect you then and she's not protecting you now. It's sickening. The text is merely to appease her own inadequate guilt.

I am stunned to tears that your childhood was so full of dread & hurt.
Your Mother has played the professional victim. Yes she was abused too, but whatever happened it was better that you took the brunt of it than her.
She allowed sexual abuse, because better you than her.
Fawning to her husband.
I expect he has used the lessons of a lifetime of abuse techniques to hurt her in some way if she sees you or contacts you other than by his rules, Like a vampire, he wants his supply of control & gets off on it.
She is still Fawning to him. You have offered her an alternative, she has refused.

This is all so so wrong.

You must not allow her to hurt you further. I would send a last message & block her on every platform. (She can write a letter in extremis, she know where you live.) I would say something on the lines of:
"I refute any declaration of Love from you, you have only loved yourself, you let me suffer for X years in multiple ways.
I will never set foot in that house again, I will never speak to my abuser again & I am blocking you now.
I'm done."

I've given up trying. I either got told that I was extremely difficult and therefore it was all my fault, or I got the whole crying and 'how can you say those things to me' emotional response designed to shut me down.

The only thing you can do is have a really superficial relationship with them. I have in the past beaten myself up wondering why I can't have a good relationship with my mum when in all other aspects of my life, relationships come easily to me. I have loads of friends and although my marriage didn't work out long term, we're still friends. But the thing is, it's not me - it's her. She doesn't want any more than a superficial relationship with me. I can't make her be the mum I want, so there it is.

You are still looking to your mother for something that wasn't, isn't and never will be there.

For me personally, that's the worst part of it. I keep returning to a well that has never had water in it. It's an instinctive thing to do, to look to your parents for support, and beyond difficult to accept that you will never ever get it.

If it was anyone else in our life acting like they do, we'd cut them off without hesitation. I went full no contact with my father 35 years ago. I doubt there is a day since when I've not thought about it. Sometimes those thoughts are very painful, but then I remember what happened and I know that I've done the right thing. I'm not even certain now that my father is still alive, and I can quite honestly say that it makes no difference either way. He is a complete stranger to me now.

@Ilikeadrink14 ODFOD