What on earth is my mother doing??

[Hummingbird75]

For context I am an the adult child of an abusive father, the kind MN would always say LTB.

My father would tell us regularly he hated children, and couldn't stand us and spent most of my childhood hitting and abusing me physically and mentally. Being told he did not love me was far worse than anything he did with his fists as a child. It was devastating. He barely spoke to me when he wasn't losing his temper.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us. My mother always said she would leave him, and she had many options to do so, but never did. I grew up desperate for his love and approval initially, to be even noticed enough for him to talk to me. It never happened.

Once I reached adulthood, I realised my 'normal' childhood was not normal at all, and over the years my father and I have been low contact. I remained close to my mother, mainly because he didn't want to be around us anyway beyond keeping my mother happy. My father and I settled on a very superficial relationship that was entirely empty of all meaning.

Once I had dc and he became abusive towards them (making my dc cry calling them fat and being unkind about their appearance when they were young) I went completely no contact with the help and support of MN at the time. To protect my dc. This has been the case for over six years or so. We just keep in contact with my mother which makes things very awkward at times. My mother says she is happy to stay now with him, they have worked out their differences, it suits her to stay with him, at her age.

Last year my father became very, very ill. I supported my mother, but did not contact him. I still choose to keep my children safe, and away from him. It was very hard and sad at the time. My mother said he is getting old we need to 'make up', so I gave him a choice. If my father agreed to be nice to us and not say anything harmful I will restart contact given his age and ill health.
My father refused outright on the phone - he said no and actually laughed at me. He should be able to say what he likes to us, and he will not agree to anything of the sort. I was only asking for him to promise to be kind, nothing more. I was hardly asking for the world.

There was no way I was going to restart contact with him basically telling me he would continue to abuse me/us (as he has always done)

Since then my mother has completely stopped calling. She seemingly will not forgive me for stopping contact and ruining her illusion of a 'happy family'. She has not visited my house in over five years, and refuses to meet me other than from her house (which is very triggering now for me being there, I sometimes have panic attacks when I am outside because I am still so afraid of my father) unless I collect her a few times a year I would never see her. I had a serious illness at the beginning of this year that could have been a terminal diagnosis, she did not even call me then or offer any support whatsoever. I was so hurt by her total indifference. She really did not seem to care.

What she does every day, is send me a WA message saying she loves me to the 'moon and back' and variations of very over the top love messages which feel very insincere and sickly.

I don't FEEL remotely loved by her.

The messages and words feel completely empty to me. I don't know why she sends them, and I have no idea how to respond to her. I asked her to please stop because they were upsetting me, but she carries on anyway. The same message on repeat every single day of undying love, but she never calls or asks how we are in the messages. I am expected to do all of the calling and all of the visiting still regardless of my health. These 'issues' seem irrelevant to her. She sometimes talks about the weather but nothing else, ever. It feels really pointless. I have tried to engage with her properly and she then retreats into silent treatment and this can last for months at a time.

I am so confused.

What is happening here? Why is she sending these messages to me?

It feels like she has cut me off to all intents and purposes, and her daily text hurts me because it seems like she is saying she loves me, but it doesn't feel like she loves or cares about me at all.

I have no idea what I should do about this now.

What am I missing about this situation?

I don't have any advice but I do identify a bit. Currently I'm death-bed carer to my father who never loved me and still doesn't. We're only 'speaking' (minimally) because he needs me. I do everything for him now. Everything. And he looks at me as if to say 'You? Wft are you doing here?' But as I've told him, there's no-one else.

Oh that sounds horrendous. Why are you there if you don't mind me asking? I don't think I could be with my father under any circumstances. We have social services and other agencies that can oversee his care if you can not stay and I am so sorry you are in such an awful position, and he continues to be so unkind towards you. Maybe he is incredulous that you are there? He expected to be left alone, but you have not that done that. It says a lot about you as a person. I hope you are okay?

@StopStartStop - because you're a better person than him. He cannot fathom the notion of doing something for someone. It makes no sense to him. It's almost sad - what a wasted, hollow life he's had.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this awful situation OP.
Having read the whole thread I don’t see any point in us debating the reasons for mum’s current behaviour, she is what she is, and she’s not going to change.
OP has done brilliantly in protecting herself and her children from her dad’s abuse and as I read her post she’s seeking advice as to what she can do about the stalemate that’s been reached in trying to establish some sort of relationship with her mum.
It doesn’t matter that the general view here seems to be that no contact is the way to go as I get the impression from OP’s comments that this is a step too far for her, even though she recognises that mum was complicit in dad’s abuse and did nothing to protect her from it. She wants to find a way of rebuilding a relationship within her boundary of absolutely no contact with her father (which I agree should be non negotiable in view of his past behaviours) and her mum’s insistence that dad comes as part of the package. Add into the mix her brother and his view that she should forgive and forget and there isn’t much room for her to manoeuvre.
The option to go no contact could be the right one but I don’t see it giving OP any peace of mind currently. Plus her mum and brother being what they are could easily throw such a decision back in her face when dad dies.

I have no experience whatsoever of counselling but perhaps this is something that might help OP to reach the right decision for her.
As to the current daily WhatsApp messages there have been some excellent responses suggested along the lines of actions speak loud than words and for the time being it might be best for her to respond like that on repeat rather than block communications altogether.
This is a situation that has been years in the making and I would hate OP to make a hasty no contact decision on the basis of what appears to be the concensus here.

She enabled your abuse as a child, she did not protect you. Now she is trying to perpetuate the abuse by refusing contact in a safe way, trying to persuade you to have contact with the abuser, and not respecting boundaries that you have asked for (the daily WA). I don’t think she is worthy of that much head space from you anymore, you don’t need to protect her. Your responsibility is for yourself and your children. You have protected them, they are not subjected to this anymore. Now you just need to realise that you deserve to be protected too 💐

I am sorry you have not received the loving support and kindness you deserve from your parents. As some pp have said she may shift once her husband, the abuser, dies but be prepared that she may just want to keep the narrative of a happy family/childhood going and never acknowledge how terrible it was. She may never be able to admit how horrible it was because then she will have to accept that she let it happen. Don’t take on her burden. Protect yourself.

I think you are very inspirational. The way you have managed to protect your children is truly something you should be so proud of

We are only responsible for our reaction and responses to others, which is true, we decide how we respond or don't respond.

In my case I am choosing to allow my mother the space to hurt me every single day with her 'loving' messages. I could have put a stop to that before now.

I am holding onto the false narrative that my mother loves and cares for me on some level, and at some point she will come good and be a loving mother that occasionally puts me first. This is never ever going to happen.

I continue to torture myself with the prospect of an 11th hour moment of enlightenment when my family will apologise for the violence and recognise that they have hurt me. Again, I am allowing this to happen.

That either parent are capable of love and empathy as we know it. They clearly, very clearly aren't able to offer that to me.

The difficulty is accepting this from the two people in the world that were supposed to love and care for me unconditionally. Letting go of that is massive. It leads to a place of free fall and what do I have, truly have, if I don't even have my own parents love or affection? It is very hard to face. That I was born without someone ever looking out for me. It is bleak to say the least.

Your mum isn't much better for enabling this nasty man. IMHO. It is hurtful to be no contact with your family but he is even horrible to your own kids, Stay away and keep them away. You don't want them to suffer as you have.

OP the waters seem to be getting a bit muddied here with debates around how culpable your mum is. That's irrelevent. You grew up as her dependent not the other way round and both your parents have failed you and your children. The only way that you're going to break this cycle of abuse is to prioritise the needs of the children who now depend on you. Put them first. Don't let them anywhere near this shit show again. The only people that you owe anything to is your children. Please remember that

I do, and I always will. I have an unbreakable commitment to my own children that they will never be exposed to this.

I was prepared to see my father when it looked like he might not make it, provided he could be civil towards me, but I would never be taking my dds with me.

OP, you are amazing, I really admire the huge strength you are displaying in order to protect your children from this horrendous situation. You probably don't feel brave, but you are! You are stopping the cycle. Your parents have so much to answer for. I really wish I had the answer, but just wanted to let you know that you are amazing. Please look into specialist counselling, as I really don't see this as an easy solve. 💐

…what do I have, truly have, if I don’t even have my parents love or affection?

Op, you have, and will continue to have the love , affection and bond with your own children, whom you have worked so hard to protect.

And, you have the admiration of this, and I am sure, many other MNetters.

She's lived for years in a traumatic and abusive situation, quite possibily she's tolerated this because she grew up in a similar environment. She's emotionally shut down from years of abuse and unresolved issues of her own, plus complex feelings of guilt and shame about what you went through.

She is unlikely to change, unless she gets help to unpick her own issues, she's kind of 'stuck' with the level of emotional development and ability to express herself that she currently has. You don't have any responsibility to fix her though and it might be that going low / no contact with her gives you the best chance of healing and being there for your own kids.

He abused my mother for years in a controlling way but stopped physically assaulting her when he started taking his temper out on us.

Are you saying your mother allowed him to physically abuse you?

The difficulty is accepting this from the two people in the world that were supposed to love and care for me unconditionally. Letting go of that is massive. It leads to a place of free fall and what do I have, truly have, if I don't even have my own parents love or affection? It is very hard to face. That I was born without someone ever looking out for me. It is bleak to say the least

Yes, it is a monumental thing to accept. But currently, you are playing a game that you will never, ever win. You are seeking safety and reassurance and love in a place that is inherently unsafe and never EVER will be safe. Think of letting go of that rather like being plunged into one of those ice water tubs. Yes, it will be painful and yes it will be hard but compare that to the chronic drip drip drip effect of constant disappointment, constant let downs, constant rejections of your love over and over again. Sometimes, a massive hurt is preferable to a chronic low level stabbing that continues over a very, very long protracted period of time. You know it's coming and you live in fear of it happening over and over again. In fact, then even the anticipation of it becomes agonising so it's not even periodic, it's also constant and unrelenting. That is far from an enjoyable place to be either.

You arent alone in being rejected by your parents but can you re-frame it as an acceptance that DESPITE the fact you dont have your parents affections you have managed to overcome it and you have managed to be a wonderful parent to your children. That is a huge, brave and courageous accomplishment so take pride in that and the fact that from grey ashes you have risen like a phoenix. The fact your parents dont give you love isnt a reflection on you, it is a reflection on THEM and it is a testament to you that you have chosen to behave differently towards your own children.

I totally understand how you feel. I felt like this when I split up from my husband and realised that I actually was truly alone in the world, because my dad is dead (not that he was a great dad either tbh) and my mum and stepdad have never been the parents they should have been. I ended up seeing the doctor and getting antidepressants (sertraline) and I'm not going to lie, that has really helped me. I know it isn't for everyone, but in my case, it stopped me freefalling into a despairing place and helped me to feel strong enough to realise that I am enough. I've got my kids and my friends - and also my brother, in my case, who I adore. I AM the family. So are you, with yours. That's what your identity is, it's what you've created and not what your parents say/think it is.

This.

And because she doesn't want to own her despicable behaviour she sends you those messages. They mean nothing.

I would just reply 'actions speak louder than words. what you send me means nothing' and just send this every time you hear from her. She has let you down so badly.

I’m so sorry you have two abusive parents OP. You’ve done so well to get away from them. It’s natural to hope for some moment of understanding from your mother but you’re right it will never happen. All you can do is cut contact and block or mute her messages so they become background noise. Yes she’s a victim too but she allowed the abuse and is very emotionally manipulative

I don't know why but I can't seem to hold her responsible for anything.

Everything she has ever done, including serious neglect of not taking me to the hospital when I was seriously ill, which led to an awful disability (I was in hospital for a very long time, and she barely came to see me) and other cases of her neglect which are truly horrific. She ignored the fact I was sexually abused and told me to 'stay away' from him. I was 11 years old at the time, how do I stay away from someone sexually abusing me?! It felt like the worst kind of victim blaming and shame at the time. Everything she has ever done I have forgiven all of it, never once held it against her and continued to remain steadfastly by her side, believing she was the victim all along and not me.

She used my time in hospital as a child to garner sympathy from all of the neighbours and friends. She loved the fact they all felt so sorry for her. It was wonderful for her in hindsight and that is why she never seemed sad about what was happening.

She seemed jealous when I was sexually abused which was the most strange reaction from a mother and so confusing, she did not care about the harm it caused me. Still causes me. To her even abuse of any kind is a form of attention.

I just feel suddenly horrified, typing on here and realising how awful it all is, and why am I worrying about a few messages when all of this sits in the background.

She seemed jealous when I was sexually abused which was the most strange reaction from a mother and so confusing, she did not care about the harm it caused me. Still causes me. To her even abuse of any kind is a form of attention

Narcism. Explains it all.

Yes, she would often just cook in the kitchen and ignore it as I screamed. Sometimes she would shout that is enough, not often. She mostly stayed out of it.

I’m so sorry OP but your Mother has never put you first and she never will. She is not going to change. You will never get the love, support and respect you deserve from her.

A Mother does not treat her daughter as you have been treated. You need only to look at your own DDs to know this.

You have the power to fully break this cycle of abuse and unless you are hoping to hold out for an inheritance, I would cut them all off completely.

@Hummingbird75 So much of your story is my story too. Looking back on my childhood, I have more issues with my mother as enabler and betrayer than with my step-father who dished out the physical violence. My mother still has no idea how her life choices and inaction damaged us and continues to affect us in adulthood. You are protecting your children. She didn't protect you. You have had some brilliant advice on this thread and you are doing the right thing by not giving in to family pressure. Focus on your own little family unit and remember - you are right and should never be made to feel like the 'bad' person.

This is beyond appalling. Who was the abuser - not your dad?

I'm so so sorry you've experienced all this. None of it is your fault (it goes without saying but saying it anyway as I know how as kids we internalise all this stuff and then it never really goes away).

Also, you don’t seem broken. You’re a cycle breaker. I don’t want to minimise what you’re going through but the fact that you’ve chosen to be so different towards your own children is absolutely incredible. You’re clearly amazingly strong, even if you don’t feel it.

not sure if you’ve ever looked into the drama triangle. It’s victim, perpetrator and rescuer. You don’t have to be her rescuer. In fact, trying to rescue her will keep her locked in victim mode. She has to rescue herself if she wants to leave. But she clearly doesn’t at the moment.