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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to nap while I'm working

337 replies

LookAtThatCritter · 17/07/2024 19:25

I work from home and unfortunately the only space that we have available for my work station is in our bedroom. I know - it's a pain, but it is what it is. We don't have space for it in the living room/kitchen, and I need a room with a door that shuts anyway because I have a lot of client meetings & work with financials.

I just need the space during normal working hours, so if I work unreasonably early or late I'm totally fine with having someone else in the room and I try to be really quiet. But during normal working hours, I like to try and separate my work from home so I don't get distracted and can stay productive.

Sometimes my husband will wander in during the work day and start napping in the bed (which is what my desk faces). I find this really annoying and distracting, but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if this is okay. He only works part time right now and no night shifts or anything like that. It's not even the napping that's annoying me - but we have a sofa in the living room he could use. I just don't want someone sleeping in the same room I'm working.

Am I being a bitch, or am I justified to ask him to stop?? 😫

OP posts:
Swisscave · 17/07/2024 19:51

The OP basically finds it annoying. Big deal,
get on with. Working with others in an office is annoying, you just put on your big girl pants and get on with it.
So what if he goes for a nap- if thats enough to put you off your stride at work, you must get distracted easily.

Zanatdy · 17/07/2024 19:52

Mumsnet has an issue with adults napping, especially men. I mean no-one would bat an eyelid if he watched Netflix for 2hrs but goes for an afternoon nap? They hate it. I used to have a problem with daytime napping too, my ex was always going for a nap and it wound me up, but he had grown up with it being normal as his family get up early to go to the mosque for morning prayers so often nap midday. Once I got a health issue that caused fatigue I discovered the joys of an afternoon nap, and I love nothing more than an occasional nap on a weekend day. It’s bliss

WanderleyWagon · 17/07/2024 19:52

YANBU. I sometimes really need an afternoon nap, so I sympathise with him, but it would really annoy me to be trying to work in a room where somebody is sleeping, and it's not appropriate imho to be on a zoom meeting for work when somebody is asleep in the room where you are.

The basic problem seems to be that where you live is not actually working for you both; and I can imagine that that may be impossible to change at the moment. So I would approach it as 'emergency measures required', which in this case means that he can't take a nap in his own bedroom in the middle of the day because it's temporarily a work space, not his bedroom.

If he wants that to change, he needs to contribute towards a solution which gives you another space to work in. He can't have his cake (benefit from the income you both get from you working) and eat it (disturb you at your work by wanting daytime naps in his bedroom).

neilyoungismyhero · 17/07/2024 19:53

OhHelloMiss · 17/07/2024 19:31

It's his home too

I would prefer to nap on the bed rather than the sofa

He's not doing any thing wrong at all

Well he's not doing very much, full stop, by the sounds of it. He's working part time hours and deciding to have random naps in the room where his wife is actually working full time to a accommodate his/their lifestyle.
At best he's a selfish thoughtless disrespectful idiot and at worst a complete arsehole. I know which one my money is on.

You deserve better OP surely you realise this.

CatamaranViper · 17/07/2024 19:54

I think the onus is on you to find a proper, private workspace, not on him to find alternative sleeping arrangements.
If you can't within the house then you either need to use a co-working space or a company office.

CatamaranViper · 17/07/2024 19:54

That said, if I were in his shoes, I would be speaking with you about the issue rather than just sleeping in the room you're working in.

AFmammaG · 17/07/2024 19:58

I also want to know what was discussed initially about wfh and the space.
Why can’t you work in the living room? What was agreed when you decided upon the bedroom?
I don’t think he is being unreasonable but then sometimes I daytime nap and it isn’t the same on the sofa.

OhHelloMiss · 17/07/2024 19:59

@neilyoungismyhero you really don't know how much he's bringing in part time....could be the same or more than the op

1984Winston · 17/07/2024 20:00

Both me and DH wfh (him 3/4 times a week, me just 1) and our shared desk is in our bedroom. It's a pain in the backside quite frankly, I don't go in at all when he's working and have to get up at 7am as he starts working early (he doesn't have to) despite the fact he just wanders in when I'm working. There's no way though he would come in and have a nap, it's out of order

Benjilassi · 17/07/2024 20:01

Do you have children? I'm thinking not since you have so little space and your husband can nap in the day.
If so, why can't you work at the kitchen table when he's in the bed room? Surely the door being shut is only an issue is there is anyone around to hear?

Annabel28 · 17/07/2024 20:03

pikkumyy77 · 17/07/2024 19:39

No if the sexes were reversed I do not think the answer would be different. The situation is that the family finances require the OP’s WFH income. The dh is only working part time and is not doing childcare . OP does not have the option of moving to another room or out if the house.

The times MN have asked about the proper division of labour/recreation in the house is when the DH has the option to work out of the house, or in a study/bedroom but preferentially takes over the kitchen or living room and prevents the other members of the household from enjoying normal use of that space.

OP specifies that she uses the bedroom during the day when her dh should otherwise be working or could be napping elsewhere.

Completely agree with this.

My husband WFH from our bedroom - it honestly is the only place he can work without intermittent disruption from children, we don't live in a big house and garden office/spare rooms aren't options. I would never dream of taking a nap while he is using that room, (a) how many working parents have time for naps? and (b) there is always the sofa.

The way I see it, if it wasn't for him being able to work in peace he would lose the job and we couldn't afford the mortgage anymore. And I'm grateful he's not forced to go to the office every day as it's 2 hours away. It's definitely worth losing access to a bed during the day to have him around to help with school pick ups!

So in my opinion YANBU at all.

SeeSeeRider · 17/07/2024 20:06

Xmasbaby11 · 17/07/2024 19:27

That would annoy me - it’s your workplace at that point and he can nap elsewhere. Ask him not to!

But it's his home as well.

MrsClownland · 17/07/2024 20:07

It's a bit like marking his territory, isn't it.

Mrsttcno1 · 17/07/2024 20:07

It’s a bedroom, not an office. Totally reasonable for him to use it as it’s intended purpose.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/07/2024 20:07

He has a sofa to use downstairs to nap on, you only need the room for working hours and your clients deserve some professionalism from you and privacy from your partner.
He is working part time, do those hours cover all the household bills or are you dependant on your earnings in addition?

YANBU he is being extremely entitled to barge in on your working hours, he has no respect for you, I bet he'd blow his lid if you did the same to him.

But we must remember that men come first, even part time slackers that have other places to nap, be a good woman op and make yourself as small and unintrustive as possible, can't put the man of the house out because you have a fucking job aye.

socks1107 · 17/07/2024 20:09

I'm 50/50 it's a home before an office but surely during work hours he can stay out of bed!

LondonFox · 17/07/2024 20:10

Zanatdy · 17/07/2024 19:52

Mumsnet has an issue with adults napping, especially men. I mean no-one would bat an eyelid if he watched Netflix for 2hrs but goes for an afternoon nap? They hate it. I used to have a problem with daytime napping too, my ex was always going for a nap and it wound me up, but he had grown up with it being normal as his family get up early to go to the mosque for morning prayers so often nap midday. Once I got a health issue that caused fatigue I discovered the joys of an afternoon nap, and I love nothing more than an occasional nap on a weekend day. It’s bliss

Yeah but if you can nap in communal space on a sofa there is no reason to distract someone working.

And I say that as higher earner who loves to nap.

Swisscave · 17/07/2024 20:12

Well by that logic if she works in a communal space then it won’t disturb his nap

LondonFox · 17/07/2024 20:12

Mrsttcno1 · 17/07/2024 20:07

It’s a bedroom, not an office. Totally reasonable for him to use it as it’s intended purpose.

Most people don't have extra room to use as office, and if you have open space kitchen/livingroom you cannot really ban napping person from using it the whole day.
Wellcome to the reality.

diddl · 17/07/2024 20:12

I'm guessing it's the only available bedroom or he would nap in a different one?

junebirthdaygirl · 17/07/2024 20:14

My ds works from home in our house. We do everything we can to facilitate him which at times can be a nuisance but he has to earn a living. Your dh is so mean putting that kind of pressure on you while you are trying to hold down a job and support your family..just no!! He cannot be coming in annoying you. He has to have some respect for your livelihood and go for a dam nap on the couch..the poor lazy sod!
I worked from home during Covid teaching my classes and everyone in the house respected that and did what they could to support me. It plain common sense and consideration.

CookieCrumbles23 · 17/07/2024 20:15

Yeah OP! Just magic a garden office out of your arse ffs! God, it really is that simple 🙄.

Just explain you need the space to work, I’m sure he’ll understand. I work in a separate room that no one is able to access during my working hours. Yes, it’s a pain because it’s everyone’s home but it would be very difficult to have a home with no money! I’m not doing my hobby back there, I need to concentrate and unfortunately since covid, more employers have opted for employees to WFH. My role is completely remote.

Mammyloveswine · 17/07/2024 20:15

Why is he napping so much and only working part/time?

Despair1 · 17/07/2024 20:15

OhHelloMiss · 17/07/2024 19:33

A lock to lock him out of his own bedroom?!

Indeed?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/07/2024 20:16

mathanxiety · 17/07/2024 19:32

YYY to a lock for the bedroom door. You could easily fit a bolt either.

It's a potential breach of employer or client confidentiality for him to be in the space you work in while you're working there.

If companies want people to work from home they have to realise that other people may well be around.

When we were told we wouldn't be going back to the office full time we were sent an email reminding us about confidentiality. I laughed and deleted it. We live in a one bed flat and I have to work in the living room. DH is retired so what am I supposed to do, kick him out of his own home?