To want my glasses back?

[FlexibleFi]

More of a WWYD than an AIBU.

I went to a wedding June. I and three other friends from university days (14 years since we graduated) were invited and booked an AirBnB for a long weekend. We don't see a lot of each other but we have a WA group and message every few weeks. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up.

After years of being really hard up, I had a significant job change this year and for the first time splashed out on a few special things — including a rather fancy pair of designer glasses instead of Specsavers basics. The glasses are for reading and computer work, I don't need them for ordinary things. They're quite a mild prescription. All three friends at the AirBnB tried my posh spex on. One, I'll call her Rachel, commented that we must have the same prescription because she could read perfectly with them. She joshed me for spending so much money on them. A couple of times over the weekend, when I'd left them sitting by my phone or book, she'd borrow them to read something without asking.

We had a great busy and boozy weekend and when I got home I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, so I messaged the group to ask if anyone had picked them up accidentally. All said no. I messaged the AirBnB owner to ask if they'd been left there. No. Searched the car, searched everywhere. No sign of them. I'm not someone who often loses things.

Then this Sunday Joanne, one of the others in the wedding group sent a screenshot from FB of Rachel reading a menu in a restaurant while wearing a pair of glasses that look just like mine. Joanne commented 'Well now we know where Fi's glasses went, LOL' on FB. By the time I managed to get onto FB (ancient account I rarely check) the image had gone — but I had the screenshot.

I messaged Rachel, sent her the screenshot and said it looked as if she'd found my glasses, could she post them back to me please. She's replied saying they're her glasses: she liked them so much that she's bought a pair exactly like mine. I don't believe it and neither does Joanne. Rachel's recently split from her long-term partner and she talked a lot while we were away of how difficult she's finding things financially at the moment.

They were £300. I could claim on travel insurance (I have annual travel insurance) or on my household contents, but then I'll have to pay more for premiums for the next few years.

Joanne has said she'll get involved if necessary but I don't want to ruin memories of a lovely weekend. I can't immediately afford to replace the spex with the same (I have a holiday booked and that will eat up my budget for the next month or two) so I'll have to order a pair of cheap prescription readers on the internet. WWYD?

Yes!! I think glasses do have a unique code on the frame actually, so the optician can give OP the code, ask Rachel to send pics of the frame code on hers, or get someone else to check the frame? Ans take a pic? She really needs to prove they are hers!

Fuck the friendship group if it's full of thieves and thief-excusers.

I'd go and knock on her door and demand she shows a receipt or hands them back to be honest.

Not sure I'd want to have anything more to do with her if she couldn't prove she bought herself a pair. How could she afford a pair of £300 of specs if she's not well off?!

log it with the police Classic mn🙄
Hows it police matter.? Agree claim on house insurance
Shes a right chancer, I’d tell everyone about this, and habitually bring it up

Is it worth breaking up the friendship group for £300? I couldn't go near the person after something like that.

I would do it for £5 tbh. Cannot stand liars and thieves and she is both. The fact is that she thinks because she wants them she can take them. And clearly has no regrets given that she has had several opportunities to return them no questions asked. If she did it in a moment of madness and realised later she could have said "Just unpacked/checked the car/whatever, I have your glasses! No idea how I ended up with them but I will send them asap" and she didnt, and has also been wearing them out and about with never a second thought.

I would be wondering what else she has helped herself to over the years that perhaps has been put down to loss but wasnt enough value for the owner to make a big deal out of it.

I don't think Jo needs to have this idea planted in her head.

We've agreed that as she was the one who spotted the photo on FB she'll talk to Rache and say that if those aren't my glasses then she can surely provide a receipt from the company to prove that that she bought them herself. She's happy to do that. She's aware that if it could happen to me, it could happen to any of the rest of them. She's already joked about checking to see whether she's still got the shoes we all admired at the wedding: Rachel's feet are the same size as hers and she tried them on.

Have none of the rest of you got an old friend, someone you've had good times with in the past but always the complicated one? The one who's never got quite enough to pay her full share at the restaurant? The one who always needs a lift or money for a taxi? That's Rachel. Nicking something is new, and the glasses seem particularly mad to try to get away with. Jo and I are wondering how bad a space Rachel's in to have done something so stupid. It's like she's sending a message.

send the MN lynch mob round. where she live?

If I had bought new glasses after admiring someone else's and they had lost there's then I would have willingly offered the receipt to prove I hadn't stolen them.
Your friendship is clearly over now, you will never trust her again.

Could be she's always been on the take a bit but it's escalated?

Or she really does have a problem.

Regardless, you're never going to be able to trust her again so it's a moot point.

really?

they aren't just a random pair of 'really nice' frames they are the exact pair OP had. It's NOT easy to find exact designer frames on ebay - they are hard to search for because people tend to just refer to the designer rather than individual item names, are comparatively flimsy items so few survive long enough to be in a resaleable condition, and because they are expensive people either tend to keep the frames and have new lenses put in OR are rich enough to buy another pair without the faff of flogging their old ones for a tenner on ebay. Plus if they are new enough to still be in the shops full price when OP bought them only a few months ago what are the chances they are cheaply available on ebay?

not to mention she buys them exactly at the same time OPs go missing - bear in mind that glasses take a while to turnaround so to have them by last Sunday she must have ordered them almost immediately after getting home

then there's the fact that she got the photo taken down - why would you do this if you had nothing to hide?

she clearly saw the post that said 'well we've found out where [ops] glasses went' so, yes, I would provide proof if I had it if it was clearly apparent my friends did think I'd stolen them!

I've got a horrible feeling that reporting Rachel to the police could blow the friendship group apart and make me look like a complete shit!

Why would any of you WANT to be friends with the no-good, lying fancy goods thief? Wasn't like she raided the contents of your purse so she could keep her kids from starving to death (not that that would be okay, but it would be understandable). Sticky fingers only wants the luxury swag. Well, don't we all?

You'd have to count the fucking spoons if you ever had her round your house again. Couldn't be arsed with that.

This. The friendship’s over even if she did buy them.

The only question I think you need to think about is the others in the group. If you ask for a receipt (whether she has one or not), will your friendship with them survive? Is losing the whole group worth £300?

I’m not saying they should take Rachel’s side - especially if she nicked your glasses - but people are weird. You’ll be the one who rocked the boat and accused her, and she’ll have a sob story that one or more of the others will fall for.

So surely you'd send over instant proof in that case? Yes of course you'd hope to be believed, but it's pretty weird that the OPs glasses go missing, then friend turns up with an identical pair and quickly deletes the photo with the evidence. Even if I hadn't taken the glasses I could see why that series of events would make it look like I had. Seeing as the friendship between them is seemingly over in either case as ones either a thief or an accuser, I'd be quickly showing I was the one in the right. The fact she hasn't speaks volumes.

Have none of the rest of you got an old friend, someone you've had good times with in the past but always the complicated one? The one who's never got quite enough to pay her full share at the restaurant? The one who always needs a lift or money for a taxi?

Honestly? No! If a friend was habitually not paying for her own meals or taxis, I wouldn’t still be seeing them.

Have none of the rest of you got an old friend, someone you've had good times with in the past but always the complicated one? The one who's never got quite enough to pay her full share at the restaurant? The one who always needs a lift or money for a taxi? That's Rachel. Nicking something is new, and the glasses seem particularly mad to try to get away with. Jo and I are wondering how bad a space Rachel's in to have done something so stupid. It's like she's sending a message.

I think the message is that she thinks that you lot are total mugs who have fallen for her "poor me" story.

Lets face it....she has spun you a line. She never has enough money for her round? Always needs a lift? Has a tough life that needs other people to pay for her? There is another description for that....CHEEKY FUCKER. And you guys have fallen for it.

If she is so badly off, why was she in a restaurant anyway to have that photo taken if she is so skint?

Sorry to tell you this but she has taken you for suckers, and you have let her.

And now she is, on top of being a CF, a thief. The message you should be taking is, she is a taker, a user and a liar, so keep your distance.

I'm sorry you had to go through this. At least my glasses didn't have any sentimental value.

Joanne is going to have another go but yes, I'm beginning to get slightly 'Oh fuck, can we just pretend this hasn't actually happened' vibes. No one wants to rock the boat.

Such a shame she’s done s9meth8ng so stupid. Clearly she isn’t going to spend £300 on glasses when she’s in a difficult financial situation. Seems clear what she’s done. The friendship is over, regardless, you’ll never trust her again and you’ll always think she stole them, probably rightly.

Opticians keep records. Take her to the cleaners. Police first. Failing that, a small claims court with a statement from Joanne. Civil claims are decided on the balance of probability, not beyond reasonable doubt, which you have a good chance of proving.

Sadly I can't see the police doing much, but small claims does sound interesting.

I'd ask Joanne if she'd be happy to brush it under the carpet if Rachel had stolen £300 from her and if she would be happy to blithely continue the friendship with someone who stole from her? I suspect the answer would be no. That said, I do feel a bit sorry for Jo being the go-between. It's not her who has caused the issue. Perhaps you should approach Rachel directly instead again. Leave out the middle man. The friendship is tarnished either way now so you might as well ask her straight out.

She isn’t going to provide proof she bought them. Mainly because she hasn’t bought them has she? She’s stolen them. But she won’t admit that. So she will feign being utterly horrified you could possibly accuse her and because of how much you’ve offended her, then no she won’t be providing you with anything. She’ll turn it on you instead. In other words you can expect a DARVO response. Assuming it was she that got the FB photo taken down.. I wonder what she would say was the reason for that? I’m not sure you can continue being friends with someone who steals from you. What would your other friends say? Would they advise you to just let it go? Give her the benefit of the doubt because you can’t prove it? If the latter and your friends are going to maintain a friendship then you need to think about how you will handle that: Only see them when she isn’t there? Distance yourself from the whole group? Expect them to take your side? Or forget about it and carry on as if nothing happened?

Rock the boat? Tip that thieving fucker overboard....

Just playing devils advocate, if she is telling the truth and is threatened with police/publicily humiliated/ told to produce a receipt that’s pretty hideous.
maybe she thinks people wouldn’t think she was so stupid as to say she likes them and then steal them?

Glasses are quite personal tough aren't they?

I mean what are the chances of the exact frame shape & colour suiting both her & Op?

If it was a cheap pair that there wasn't much choice of OK.

But to spend £300 on the exact pair?

I agree though that none of us here know her.

Let it lie, in a month or two arrange another meet up for a curry or something, then nick them back

I get that the friendship is likely beyond repair for you, but this is someone you say has been a good friend for many years and who you admit is going through a tough time. I'd personally want to treat her kindly even though what she has (almost certainly) done is such a betrayal of trust.

I'd want to be kind for a few reasons, even if I was internally fuming:

• to be a friend to her - if you haven't noticed this behaviour beforehand maybe it is a sign that something is seriously wrong. People can behave awfully when they are low and it's easy for people on Mumsnet to scream cut them off but I would want to check she is ok at least;
• for yourself - I find how I end /deal with conflict in relationships is important to me and something that I think of again and I'd want to know that I'd been kind and tried my best, particularly if this does end up being something your friendship can't recover from; and
• so you are perceived as whiter than white by the group and if there is a rupture they are inclined to stay friends with you.

I'd also just want to 100% check that I'm not wrong - I always remember the mortification at school of accusing a girl of stealing a bracelet and being wrong.

I think it will be easier to do via phone than by exchanging messages, so I'd suggest giving her a call. You can say it's all so awkward but look you have to ask and then take it from there.