To want my glasses back?

[FlexibleFi]

More of a WWYD than an AIBU.

I went to a wedding June. I and three other friends from university days (14 years since we graduated) were invited and booked an AirBnB for a long weekend. We don't see a lot of each other but we have a WA group and message every few weeks. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up.

After years of being really hard up, I had a significant job change this year and for the first time splashed out on a few special things — including a rather fancy pair of designer glasses instead of Specsavers basics. The glasses are for reading and computer work, I don't need them for ordinary things. They're quite a mild prescription. All three friends at the AirBnB tried my posh spex on. One, I'll call her Rachel, commented that we must have the same prescription because she could read perfectly with them. She joshed me for spending so much money on them. A couple of times over the weekend, when I'd left them sitting by my phone or book, she'd borrow them to read something without asking.

We had a great busy and boozy weekend and when I got home I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, so I messaged the group to ask if anyone had picked them up accidentally. All said no. I messaged the AirBnB owner to ask if they'd been left there. No. Searched the car, searched everywhere. No sign of them. I'm not someone who often loses things.

Then this Sunday Joanne, one of the others in the wedding group sent a screenshot from FB of Rachel reading a menu in a restaurant while wearing a pair of glasses that look just like mine. Joanne commented 'Well now we know where Fi's glasses went, LOL' on FB. By the time I managed to get onto FB (ancient account I rarely check) the image had gone — but I had the screenshot.

I messaged Rachel, sent her the screenshot and said it looked as if she'd found my glasses, could she post them back to me please. She's replied saying they're her glasses: she liked them so much that she's bought a pair exactly like mine. I don't believe it and neither does Joanne. Rachel's recently split from her long-term partner and she talked a lot while we were away of how difficult she's finding things financially at the moment.

They were £300. I could claim on travel insurance (I have annual travel insurance) or on my household contents, but then I'll have to pay more for premiums for the next few years.

Joanne has said she'll get involved if necessary but I don't want to ruin memories of a lovely weekend. I can't immediately afford to replace the spex with the same (I have a holiday booked and that will eat up my budget for the next month or two) so I'll have to order a pair of cheap prescription readers on the internet. WWYD?

How much would Rachel know about police processes?

Could you post in the chat and say that you've had to report them as stolen to the police to get a crime number to be able to make an insurance claim. And as part of that you've had to give the police the details of all the other friends who were there so they're likely to be getting in touch with each of them directly in due course.

Just to put the frighteners on her and see what she does next.

You could even end with something like: You're really surprised the police are taking it so seriously but £300 is a significant sum. And before anything goes any further the police have asked you to check with your friends one last time that none of them accidentally picked them up...

Joanne has said she'll speak to Rachel and ask her to send the glasses back to me. I asked what she'd do if Rachel just said no and she sighed and said 'Well, what can we do? Do we really want to say we'll block her from the group when we all know she's having a hard time?'

That sounds very mature, and I'd follow Joanne's lead. And I'd go the insurance route if you don't get any joy. Don't call the police. Can you imagine the horror if she actually has bought them and manages to produce a receipt?

Thank you, it’s a long time ago but I did feel very angry and disappointed.

Your glasses were still meaningful to you and that’s why intimate thrift is such a violation.

However things go, know it isn’t you that’s soured things, it’s Rachel.

Can we not just brush this under the carpet please. So what if she's having a hard time it doesn't give anyone an excuse to steal from someone who is a friend!
She should be held to account because she is a friend.
Let her get away with this and your just opening the door for her to continue this behaviour

I'm not mentioning the connection but safe to say someone I know a university graduate with a responsible job was basically a kleptomanic. It was never overly expensive goods she pocketed after visiting but I eventually noticed stuff going missing after parties. An example is I thought I'd lost a bracelet until I noticed it on a friend's wrist. She had given it to her on her birthday 🤦‍♀️I didn't have the heart to say anything. I couldn't speak about it to the rest of the group as there was no absolute proof. Needless to say I made sure there was nothing valuable left lying around during future visits. I believe it can be a mental illness where the person justifies their actions if someone is better off or they feel they're owed something in life.

I'd also just want to 100% check that I'm not wrong - I always remember the mortification at school of accusing a girl of stealing a bracelet and being wrong.

I'd be surprised but delighted if we'd got this wrong. The glasses are quite a strong design and in a distinctive colour. The colour suits my colouring better than it suits hers (something that the others commented on when we were all trying them on). It would be strange for her to spend £300 on a new pair of glasses in a colour that didn't best suit her skin/ hair tone, surely?

I'd just claim on insurance and distance yourself from the group. You don't know they are your glasses, you can't prove they are your glasses, as soon as you accuse her, unless she just apologises and sends them back, your are far down the rabbit hole of accusations which would split the group.

The truth of it is I'm not sure I'd want to stay friends with someone who stole from me and when asked wouldn't give it back.

Perhaps ask to see her receipt to put your mind at rest and apologise profusely if she produces one. But my guess is she'll feign outrage and refuse. If I was accused I would seek out the receipt within minutes of being asked to prove myself. The actions of an innocent person.

Honestly I'd drop this friendship and just keep in touch with the others.

I'd blown it apart as can't stand thieves. I'd tell Rachel your contacting the police and she can prove to them that she purchased them

Agreed, it sounds very unlikely.

I'd still speak to her yourself though rather than via another friend - it's you she's wronged. In addition to the reasons I gave above, I also think she's more likely to give you the glasses back if you ask for them over the phone and explain the impact it's had on you.

Let’s face it. The group is now already blown apart. Are you all really likely to get together now for a weekend away with the elephant in the room wearing your glasses?

no, unfortunately you may end up being the one cut out as it’s easier for the others to stay with Rachel than face the truth.

ao you may as well message her in the group chat and ask directly for them to be returned.

It doesn't matter, unless she paid cash there should be an electronic transaction and a record. Otherwise a cash withdrawal, and she should be able to say where she bought them from and probably show a paper trail of the transaction.

I think its shitty of them, they're then basically saying 'we'd rather you were out of pocket/ glasses and upset than Rachel'.
As pp why would you ever want to be around her again anyway the 'group' Is done.

Your “friend”‘stole your glasses. Your friends shouldn’t be enabling that. It is irrelevant that you are in a better financial situation, the glasses did not belong to her. This friendship and this friendship group are finished.

if your mutual friend fails to get them back then threaten her with the Police and/or Small Claims Court. What a horrible and dishonest thing to do

@Pictureperfect9 I believe it can be a mental illness where the person justifies their actions if someone is better off or they feel they're owed something in life.
Yes it's called being an entitled piece of shit. Dump this "friend" (after you get your glasses back).

I agree you shouldn't use your friend as a go-between. I would contact Rachel the glasses thief directly and ask to see proof of purchase. When she refuses, say if she doesn't return the glasses and apologise to you, you will go to the police. Say you have ample evidence with the photo that she stole them, and that you've taken advice (you have done here!) and been told they're likely to take it pretty seriously. I very much doubt she will take the risk.

As for the friendship group, if they give you a hard time about it, so be it. I couldn't remain friends with people who were just cool about someone stealing from me.

Group is already gone. She did that when she stole from a close friend.

She could have stolen food from Tesco, and you would all rally round her.

To take something from a friend, and then lie about it. She is not your friend. Rough time or not.

Did you get insurance from SpecSavers? I did with mine and is was about £9. I'm sure it's covered for loss. Get a new pair.

I wouldn't let this go, the thief would be dead to me and friends bullying me to let this go would be jettisoned too.

You could say that because it’s such a significant amount to replace them you’re claiming on your insurance, and to claim on insurance you need a crime reference number so you’re reporting it to the police. Make it look like a necessary part of the claims process.

I would give her a way of giving the glasses back to you while saving face.

For the last 14 years or so I've mediated in an online group where one party has paid for something and sometimes the other party hasn't provided what they promised. It's really hard to get money back legally, and it's just as arduous to get the promised goods. Usually the guilty party has insisted that it's been sent etc which then makes it hard to backtrack from.

What I've found is that the majority of times, if you give someone a way that they can gracefully admit their wrongdoing while also saving face, you can get the outcome you want. Of course it's tempting to wade in because they're a lying twat but that rarely gets the best results. You catch more flies with sugar than shit, as they say.

Could you do something along the lines of "Hey Rachel, I know you've bought your own pair too but I think the ones in the photo are mine. There's a little mark on the arm that I noticed that I made on my paid. I think you might accidentally have both pairs there with you without realising. Could you have a look and then get my pair back to me please? I can't afford to replace them and I'm really struggling without them tbh! Thanks so much!"

Of course, I'd absolutely never trust her again. I think there is a very big difference between a member of the group who struggles to pay for a round or who always needs a lift and someone who steals an expensive item from a friend, and then has the brass neck to try and front it out.

While I think asking for the receipt is one option, the risk is that she'll just say she lost the receipt and she then has no room to gracefully admit she stole from you. Make it easy for her to confess without losing face - but once you have your glasses back, seriously consider how/if you feel you can maintain the friendship with someone who's a lying thief.

lost receipt? "Oh that's ok, the optician will have a copy, or you can find the details on your payment method"

The issue is one of broken trust. I’d fund it hard to be friends with anyone I can’t fundamentally trust. I’d be cutting old mate away irrespective of how this ends - unless, of course, it ends up being her glasses (proof of receipt).

I think the friendship group will find it hard to come back from this. She is denying they are your glasses, you and someone else both think they are yours, it’s an impasse and the suspicion will leave such a sour taste that it will always be there. Such a shame, if she had kept her sticky fingers off you could all have had many more years of meet ups and friendship, but I suppose thieves act in the moment they dont think of the consequences.

What is wrong with everybody on here this week. Yesterday it was a woman willing to give money to a drug addict she knew she’d never get back now this.

Tell Rachel that you want your glasses back by Monday or you’ll be reporting her to the police. Fuck your friends. People that allow her behaviour are no friends of yours.

Honestly, there’s a level of trust between me and my friends, I just wouldn’t presume that proof was required. I guess it just depends on the group culture