To want my glasses back?

[FlexibleFi]

More of a WWYD than an AIBU.

I went to a wedding June. I and three other friends from university days (14 years since we graduated) were invited and booked an AirBnB for a long weekend. We don't see a lot of each other but we have a WA group and message every few weeks. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up.

After years of being really hard up, I had a significant job change this year and for the first time splashed out on a few special things — including a rather fancy pair of designer glasses instead of Specsavers basics. The glasses are for reading and computer work, I don't need them for ordinary things. They're quite a mild prescription. All three friends at the AirBnB tried my posh spex on. One, I'll call her Rachel, commented that we must have the same prescription because she could read perfectly with them. She joshed me for spending so much money on them. A couple of times over the weekend, when I'd left them sitting by my phone or book, she'd borrow them to read something without asking.

We had a great busy and boozy weekend and when I got home I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, so I messaged the group to ask if anyone had picked them up accidentally. All said no. I messaged the AirBnB owner to ask if they'd been left there. No. Searched the car, searched everywhere. No sign of them. I'm not someone who often loses things.

Then this Sunday Joanne, one of the others in the wedding group sent a screenshot from FB of Rachel reading a menu in a restaurant while wearing a pair of glasses that look just like mine. Joanne commented 'Well now we know where Fi's glasses went, LOL' on FB. By the time I managed to get onto FB (ancient account I rarely check) the image had gone — but I had the screenshot.

I messaged Rachel, sent her the screenshot and said it looked as if she'd found my glasses, could she post them back to me please. She's replied saying they're her glasses: she liked them so much that she's bought a pair exactly like mine. I don't believe it and neither does Joanne. Rachel's recently split from her long-term partner and she talked a lot while we were away of how difficult she's finding things financially at the moment.

They were £300. I could claim on travel insurance (I have annual travel insurance) or on my household contents, but then I'll have to pay more for premiums for the next few years.

Joanne has said she'll get involved if necessary but I don't want to ruin memories of a lovely weekend. I can't immediately afford to replace the spex with the same (I have a holiday booked and that will eat up my budget for the next month or two) so I'll have to order a pair of cheap prescription readers on the internet. WWYD?

I think you should take up Joanne's offer and get her to ask for the glasses back. She shouldn't get away with doing that. It's not good for her and it's not good for the group. If she has stolen your glasses what else will she steal? If you don't do anything you're still going to feel a bit strange around her and keep some distance for fear of her taking something from you.

Of course, she may not have stolen the glasses. Who knows?

I think they are long gone and it is disappointing. I would not be friends with someone who stole from me, i would be civil for the wider group but that is it. And if opportunity arises i would take them back.

You’d never be able to trust her again. I’d steer clear of her. If the friend group ignore it then she will do the same to one of them next time because she got away with it. I wouldn’t want to be friends with any of them if that’s their attitude. I’d definitely report to the police either way. You have evidence she’s taken them.

Hopefully they will have your initials on them and you get them back.
I'd never be friends with the theiving cow again!

I once got something back by giving the person the benefit of the doubt. 'I can't find the [thing] I'm looking for and wonder whether took it into safekeeping.' I framed it that they'd found it and were looking after it for me, and they gave it back.

I'm not saying this will work in this instance. Do whatever works to get you glasses back rather than to make Rachel feel bad, which may be (very) satisfying but ultimately counterproductive.

I can't see how your friendship can come back from this. What a cow! She's a thief and that would be the end for me.

Soz - ' . . . and wonder whether you took it into safekeeping'

I have often thought many friendship groups are like mini cults. As are many family groups for that matter. The one who questions or rocks the boat is always the one who is ex-communicated.

OP, I'm chortling at your post (not the content, I hasten to add) because my name is Fi, my DD is Rachel and my bestie is Joanne!

I hope you get your glasses back. I'm absolutely lost without mine so they are always on my face.

I would contact the thief directly and I would, in the nicest possible way tell her that you and the rest of the group know that she has stolen your property, you realise she must be embarrassed by this. However for the friendship group to move forward and draw a line under this, she needs to return them, but if she doesn’t then all trust in her is gone and the friendship will not be able to continue.

This has irrationally annoyed me and 1) it's nothing to do with me and 2) we don't know she's definitely stolen them

Can you say something in a group chat like : I’m upset about my glasses, but contacted opticians and they use a ‘data dot’ system as they are expensive to prevent theft. They think it should still be working. I need to contact the police, but before I do, just in case anyone knows anything and feels embarrassed to say - please just put them through my postbox (or other anonymous location) and that’ll be it XxXx

@FlexibleFi

Utterly beside the point but I have never seen 'specs' spelt with an 'x' before!

She has no evidence.

I would know this to be nonsense and would smirk at the condescending assumption anyone would buy it.

Hopefully the OPs friend can get to the bottom of it by but the options ultimately are
1 suck it up and cut your losses. I'd be cutting off this thief 'friend' though and letting people know why
2 outright accuse her of theft and hope she returns them when cornered
3 outright accuse her of theft and she still denies it so you're back to 1

This!

I'd be pissed off and would say something to her, but ultimately I'd let it go for the sake of the friendship group. I wouldn't be helping her out with any of her 'challenges' or making allowances for her in the future though.

She's a thief. I'd say that the friendship group is well and truly blown apart.

I would steal them back at first opportunity. Do you go to eacb others houses or one of your mutual friends ? Or o a night out, first time she put them down on a coffee table or a bar or whatever they'd be in my bag.
Next time she sees you wearing them just say 'Oh l found them' She's hardly going challenge that is she ! She cant say no you can't have because l had them really now can she.

@EternallyIrked

Agree it’s nonsense, but if I was the thief - I’d think, crap what if it’s true? Datadots do exist and opticians do protect their glasses against theft.
Otherwise you’ve just lost them, or got to accuse a friend - which I don’t think will work!

Have none of the rest of you got an old friend, someone you've had good times with in the past but always the complicated one? The one who's never got quite enough to pay her full share at the restaurant? The one who always needs a lift or money for a taxi?

Yep, and she is no longer our friend. Ask her for proof of purchase, or call her Specsavers and ask for a tax receipt (pretend to be her). If they don't have her order then that's that.

Can you find out from the person who posted that photo why it was taken down?

Your better sending this message.
Hi.
Look everyone knows you have my glasses, right now it can be laughed off IF you return them, but and this is a big but, if this goes on for many more days people will know you stole them and every time something disappears you will be the suspect...
Please return them or I will take further action.

Claim on insurance.

Be polite but distant to Rachel on WhatsApp chat, or just mostly ignore her.

Next time you see her, be quite pointed about moving valuables away etc.

Can't believe she's ok with everyone knowing she's a thief for the sake of £300 glasses.

Please say something. You aren't the one to blame. Rachel would be the one to blame for blowing the friendship group apart with HER actions. Friends don't steal from eachother 😠