To want my glasses back?

[FlexibleFi]

More of a WWYD than an AIBU.

I went to a wedding June. I and three other friends from university days (14 years since we graduated) were invited and booked an AirBnB for a long weekend. We don't see a lot of each other but we have a WA group and message every few weeks. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up.

After years of being really hard up, I had a significant job change this year and for the first time splashed out on a few special things — including a rather fancy pair of designer glasses instead of Specsavers basics. The glasses are for reading and computer work, I don't need them for ordinary things. They're quite a mild prescription. All three friends at the AirBnB tried my posh spex on. One, I'll call her Rachel, commented that we must have the same prescription because she could read perfectly with them. She joshed me for spending so much money on them. A couple of times over the weekend, when I'd left them sitting by my phone or book, she'd borrow them to read something without asking.

We had a great busy and boozy weekend and when I got home I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, so I messaged the group to ask if anyone had picked them up accidentally. All said no. I messaged the AirBnB owner to ask if they'd been left there. No. Searched the car, searched everywhere. No sign of them. I'm not someone who often loses things.

Then this Sunday Joanne, one of the others in the wedding group sent a screenshot from FB of Rachel reading a menu in a restaurant while wearing a pair of glasses that look just like mine. Joanne commented 'Well now we know where Fi's glasses went, LOL' on FB. By the time I managed to get onto FB (ancient account I rarely check) the image had gone — but I had the screenshot.

I messaged Rachel, sent her the screenshot and said it looked as if she'd found my glasses, could she post them back to me please. She's replied saying they're her glasses: she liked them so much that she's bought a pair exactly like mine. I don't believe it and neither does Joanne. Rachel's recently split from her long-term partner and she talked a lot while we were away of how difficult she's finding things financially at the moment.

They were £300. I could claim on travel insurance (I have annual travel insurance) or on my household contents, but then I'll have to pay more for premiums for the next few years.

Joanne has said she'll get involved if necessary but I don't want to ruin memories of a lovely weekend. I can't immediately afford to replace the spex with the same (I have a holiday booked and that will eat up my budget for the next month or two) so I'll have to order a pair of cheap prescription readers on the internet. WWYD?

Wtf should your insurance go up? Who cares about making a scene? I would not want to be around this person!
just because you’ve finally done a bit well for yourself and saved to splash out but she can’t, why should you all feel sorry for her?
i’m very happy for my friends who can stay at home rather than work, i’m not stealing from them..

I've got a horrible feeling that reporting Rachel to the police could blow the friendship group apart and make me look like a complete shit!

If people think you're a "complete shit" for reporting a theft of your property worth £300 then leave them to it.

It's normal to be pissed off about this. It would be weird if you weren't.

Do you know the person who posted the photo of your friend wearing the glasses while reading a menu?

Could you contact her and ask if she removed the photo on Rachel's request?

If so, I'd then contact Rachel myself and say

"This is an awkward situation but I'm struggling with suspicions for these reasons: 1/ you liked the glasses and commented we had the same prescription;
2/ you made us aware you had financial difficulties and I know these cost £300;
3/ you requested an image taken of you wearing them be taken down online.

I'm sure you can appreciate these objective facts aren't adding up and why this is making me suspicious. But I do also appreciate I could be very wrong and if so I will apologise wholeheartedly and with huge relief. If they are yours, please can you send me evidence you purchased them for the sake of the friendship. Please can you put my mind at ease and send me a copy of your receipt of purchase.

If the glasses ARE mine, and you're embarrassed you were caught borrowing them, please don't be. We are friends. Please just send them back. I need them, I really liked them, and I can't afford another pair. Insurance have said I need a police report number to claim for them so I have to push this issue right to the end in order to be able to replace them and that would be utterly awful to do."

Oh and also that they each handover their bankcard to 'poor Rachel' for a day as her lives so hard. There may be other stuff she wants!

I think the “need a police report to claim on insurance”
is the way to go here. Give her a fright; let her know you won’t let it go. I wouldn’t “be kind”; she hasn’t forgotten to repay you for a cinema ticket, she’s deliberately stolen something that she knew you liked and has lied about it. She’s a thief.

What?! Who could ever make allowances for an old friend blatantly stealing something from you? That’s awful. I would not be letting that go at all. And if your hippy mates want to take her side, good luck to them. They’re idiots, who needs them.

Absolutely perfect response 👌🏼

Next time you’re out with your friends, get your cheap specs out & really big them up. Say a relative heard you’d lost your other pair & gave you money towards a new pair & these actually cost more than the others. Say how comfortable they are & how light they are to wear & how much better they are than your ‘lost’ pair. Get your good friend to play along…& then just watch her face.

”Hi Rachel, I seem to have misplaced my glasses. Need to replace & having difficulty tracking down the same frames. Can you let me know where you got yours and how much?”

I couldn't be in the same room as her again never mind friends knowing she had stolen from me. I know it's a difficult situation but she shouldn't be getting away with this.

This friend clearly doesn't have many scruples. She either thinks you're well off and has justified her thievery to herself, and/or she has no respect for you, and no conscience, so why dance around it for the sake of group dynamics.

Surely everyone else knows she's taken them, and if they try to defend her actions, then are these really 'friends' you want to associate with? I'd demand she does the right thing, and if not, go to the police.

So we let theives off to “be kind”. What a load of bullshit. Seriously, she is not a friend and neither are the friends who make excuses for her. You can’t trust people like that.

See how Joanne gets on with her. Sadly I think unless you get your glasses back, these trips would be ruined for me.

It's difficult for your friends as there is no definitive proof she took them, so
I can see why they don't want to take sides.

I had a slightly similar but much less serious situation a few trips ago. We use Splitwise for our costs and one person who's generally a tardy payer hadn't paid me back. The amount was not huge- I think somewhere between £20-30 or so - but to me it was the absolute principle of the thing, as I had done a lot of the Uber ordering and restaurant paying up front. I was getting the vibe from friends that I should let it go because I'm better off than she is, but it wasn't their money to spend.

Hope you get your glasses back OP.

Well whatever happens I couldn't be friends with 'Rachel' any more after this. Whatever her background and financial situation, friends don't steal from one another and then, when caught out, lie about it! She would be dead to me after that.

Yes, this is the exact response OP you should go for. What an enormously strange (and horrible) woman.

I used to be the poor artist in a group of woman who had VERY high paid jobs (thankfully I’m successful now). I couldn’t go on their nice group holidays, or afford their nice clothes (Celine, The Row etc) but I never thought of stealing their nice things, utterly unhinged!

Her being less well off is neither here nor there. I am sure all of us have had times when we've been down on our luck and we haven't thieved off our friends, I mean, bloody hell, what kind of excuse is that? As a PP said, she wasnt stealing food to stay alive, she wanted a pair of designer glasses FGS.

I spent quite a few years as a penniless student- I didnt steal my friends belongings as a result. She is a horrible jealous bitch and I suspect it wont end here- she'll probably try to steal off your other friends too now that she thinks she can get away with it. They are absolute fools to continue being friends with her and it will come back to bite them eventually when she starts pilfering their stuff. I'd bet my mortgage that when that happens they will suddenly find it unacceptable - funny that.

@FlexibleFi - you wrote "Joanne is going to have another go but yes, I'm beginning to get slightly 'Oh fuck, can we just pretend this hasn't actually happened' vibes. No one wants to rock the boat"

This is precisely how people like your Rach keep getting away with doing what they are doing. I'm sorry @SpelledOlivia that your roommate got away with stealing sentimental jewellery and other belongings from you.

These people are part magpies part con-men and part woe-is-me. They feel hard done by and want to be able to enjoy a lifestyle that they have no financial backing to be able to afford, so they take what isn't theirs so that they can be part of it. While I feel sorry for them, if I knew for a second that one of them had stolen from me, I'd be making damn sure that I'd get back what is rightfully mine, to hell with rocking that boat! Sink the fucker!!!

These people are part magpies part con-men and part woe-is-me. They feel hard done by and want to be able to enjoy a lifestyle that they have no financial backing to be able to afford, so they take what isn't theirs so that they can be part of it. While I feel sorry for them, if I knew for a second that one of them had stolen from me, I'd be making damn sure that I'd get back what is rightfully mine, to hell with rocking that boat! Sink the fucker!!

This.

That's why I don't have a CF problem - no one ever messes with me as a result of my boundaries

I was getting the vibe from friends that I should let it go because I'm better off than she is, but it wasn't their money to spend.

@rookiemere is absolutely bang on the money here.

Others worried about the friendship group, her financial woes or hard times and not rocking the boat would likely feel entirely differently if it was their glasses and their financial loss.

I was reading an article today about the rise of middle-class theft - returning items after one or two wears, putting expensive items through as a cheaper item on the self service checkout and wonder if this has now become so common that people are prepared to ‘overlook’ or refuse to recognise this as a theft. I would struggle to keep Rachel within my friendship group after this and would think less of my other friends for failing to call it out. Don’t feel bad about pressing your case on this and giving Rachel another chance to make amends. It will leave a permanent sour note otherwise.

I agree the friendship with the thief is over, whatever happens. You’d never be able to trust her again. If you do pursue getting the glasses back, I think you run the risk of losing the other friendships- it’s very possible that they will side with the thief. I wouldn’t be able to let it lie on your shoes- I would want my glasses back.

If I had purchased an item around the time a friend’s matching item went missing and I was aware it looked suspicious, I would be immediately providing the receipt. I would be mortified that someone might be thinking I’d stolen something.

Good luck, OP.

Ugh...the dark side of friendship groups where people routinely overlook morally abhorrent behaviour for the sake of their own peace and social status.

More often than not, the victim gets left out in the cold.

You won’t need a police number if you tell your insurance company that you have lost your glasses! Which isn’t a lie. The glasses were lost on holiday, you suspect they were taken but they could still be lost.

I’d message Rachel directly giving her one last chance to produce a receipt for the glasses or to admit to the theft and return them to you otherwise, you’ll be logging the theft with the Police as you need to before making a claim on your insurance policy.

I also would make it clear that if she won’t co-operate then your friendship is over and you’ll leave the others in the friendship group to reach their own conclusions…

This is perfect, as long as you're prepared to go through with the police report.

I absolutely couldn't let it go.