To want my glasses back?

[FlexibleFi]

More of a WWYD than an AIBU.

I went to a wedding June. I and three other friends from university days (14 years since we graduated) were invited and booked an AirBnB for a long weekend. We don't see a lot of each other but we have a WA group and message every few weeks. It was a lovely opportunity to catch up.

After years of being really hard up, I had a significant job change this year and for the first time splashed out on a few special things — including a rather fancy pair of designer glasses instead of Specsavers basics. The glasses are for reading and computer work, I don't need them for ordinary things. They're quite a mild prescription. All three friends at the AirBnB tried my posh spex on. One, I'll call her Rachel, commented that we must have the same prescription because she could read perfectly with them. She joshed me for spending so much money on them. A couple of times over the weekend, when I'd left them sitting by my phone or book, she'd borrow them to read something without asking.

We had a great busy and boozy weekend and when I got home I couldn't find my glasses anywhere, so I messaged the group to ask if anyone had picked them up accidentally. All said no. I messaged the AirBnB owner to ask if they'd been left there. No. Searched the car, searched everywhere. No sign of them. I'm not someone who often loses things.

Then this Sunday Joanne, one of the others in the wedding group sent a screenshot from FB of Rachel reading a menu in a restaurant while wearing a pair of glasses that look just like mine. Joanne commented 'Well now we know where Fi's glasses went, LOL' on FB. By the time I managed to get onto FB (ancient account I rarely check) the image had gone — but I had the screenshot.

I messaged Rachel, sent her the screenshot and said it looked as if she'd found my glasses, could she post them back to me please. She's replied saying they're her glasses: she liked them so much that she's bought a pair exactly like mine. I don't believe it and neither does Joanne. Rachel's recently split from her long-term partner and she talked a lot while we were away of how difficult she's finding things financially at the moment.

They were £300. I could claim on travel insurance (I have annual travel insurance) or on my household contents, but then I'll have to pay more for premiums for the next few years.

Joanne has said she'll get involved if necessary but I don't want to ruin memories of a lovely weekend. I can't immediately afford to replace the spex with the same (I have a holiday booked and that will eat up my budget for the next month or two) so I'll have to order a pair of cheap prescription readers on the internet. WWYD?

Well that would end the friendship for me. That's just sleazy to steal a friend's glasses.

I couldn’t let someone get away with stealing £300 worth from me, and especially something I really liked! I couldn’t just sweep it under the carpet.

I’d ask for proof, if she’s lost the receipt then it’ll still be a line on her bank statement.

It’s important to understand the friendship with this woman is over. She has stolen your glasses and been caught out. She doesn’t care enough for the friendship to make it right, she would rather lie and be a thief rather than admit, whoops yes I have them and I will post them back.

Today, I would report the theft to the police. Then I would let my insurance know and get a replacement.

I read a Stephen King book once - I don’t remember which one.
This big black spider came down on its web and said to the guy, “fushing feef, fushing feef, fushing feef” over and over again.
”Fucking thief.”
Your friend needs that big spider, @FlexibleFi.

I like this. (Of course things would never be the same)

I can’t see any dilemma here, she is a thieving scum bag. It’s pure simple.
I’d have nothing more to do with her, she has probably been stealing for years from you all.

you didn’t wreck the friendship group, she did. I know it’s hard to lose a friend but she is not a friend, I would have nothing to do with her anymore.

Good luck to you.

The Friendship is ruined anyway now and the others in the group know deep down she has very likely stole them so I would call her out and if she keeps denying then ask for a receipt to prove she bought them.

Even if you say nothing, everyone in the group are going to be wary of her.

Since your other friends seem to think if Rachel the Thief doesn't return the glasses, that you should "be kind" and suck it up; I suggest they each chip in an equal amount of money to replace your glasses.

Let them put their money where their "ideals" are.

I wonder if the group would feel differently if it was a piece of jewellery or similar. The fact is she stole a £300 item. I'd stop involving rest of group , I'd message her direct and ask for proof of purchase otherwise you will be involving police.

I'd have to stop being friends with her although I wouldn't mind the others remaining friends.

That fucking thieving bitch - for that much money op, I would definitely be threatening to go to the police.

Say nothing….nick them back!

Can you tell her that your insurance company have asked for a police report? As you don’t have a photo with yourself wearing them you are going to have to provide the photo with Rachel and they may want to check with her that she has the correct ones?

I couldn’t be gracious about this,
I don’t care if she’s having a hard time, what sort of excuse is that for stealing a pair of glasses. I’d be calling her out. “Rachael don’t lie you know there mine, give them back or I’ll come up and get them”
I won’t tolerate this bullcrap from so called friends, I’m surprised anyone does!!

I get it OP- I have a pair of gorgeous Tom Ford reading glasses that cost about £300 and I spent that much because I was so gutted that after years of perfect eyesight I now had to use them. It was a bit of a sign of me aging and it made me feel quite down about it (in my 40s) so the fact the glasses looked cool at least made me feel a bit better about it- for me its not just about the glasses, its about the fact I spent more to make me FEEL better. I LOVE them so I totally understand your anger about this. I would be livid too.

That said, I would claim on the insurance and I'll tell you why. The kind of person who would steal from a friend is clearly someone lacking in empathy and doesnt give a shit about anyone. My fear would be if you threaten the police she'll send the glasses back but she'll deliberately scratch them or damage them in some way and then claim they were like that already. Then you'll have to get another pair anyway. I am not saying she should get away with it but I dont think she'll let this lie and she sounds vile enough to do something like that as she clearly wants them badly.

I'd claim on the insurance and get an even better pair - then I'd make it clear that I wont be having anything to do with her in future and I wouldnt let her anywhere near me or my stuff. I'd also speak to my friends and express how angry and sad I was that they think this is acceptable. Realistically the police wont do jack shit anyway, I've reported far more serious things to them and they've done nothing whatsoever so I dont think you'll get anywhere with that route anyway.

I'm sorry about your glasses and I hope you get it sorted out x

This is a terrible attitude to have. It is condescending and patronising towards the 'poors' and all under the guise of being kind and empathetic. I grew up very poor and it is an insult to suggest that being poor equates to having no morals or sense of shame. Rachel did something very wrong and she deserves to be called out for it rather than being excused on account of her going through a tough time or her background. Op worked for her posh glasses and it matters to have her back too, the friends are not worth having if they are so spineless.

@FlexibleFi
You sound like a lovely person because I would be bloody fuming about that & more than prepared to send angry messages, copying the rest of the friends in & blow the whole thing up!! She STOLE from you & is LYING about it!! I'd give her a chance to return them or contact the Police.

I dont understand people saying to let it go & simply claim on your insurance. Why is is OK to do that just because she's worse off than you? That's not how life works. Why should you have to risk higher premiums & fork out extra cash for temporary replacements & have all the inconvenience?

How can you possibly maintain a friendship with this person now? How are you going to act around each other when you next meet up? It's crossed the line, surely??

Maybe reply to Rachel and say "oh I thought you were short on cash at the moment so I'm surprised you spent so much on glasses. Where did you get thm from because clearly I'll need to get abother pair and I cant afford my current optician"
And see what she replies? Then call that optician and pretend to be her and see if she did in fact buy them !

Steal them back, next time you're out with them!

I’d honestly ask for the receipt and where she brought them from and if she couldn’t provide them I’d honestly end the friendship!

How frustrating. I don't know what you can do, because I suspect you won't see them again, she will just dig her heels in and keep lying. She has been caught now and she is probably hoping that it will all blow over and people will continue to let her steal and sponge of other people because she has a harder time of it. It's not about her having less money though, it's about her being an entitled grabby thief.
I would claim them on insurance and never see her again.

Oh I like this!

Tell her to send you the receipt for her glasses or send your glasses back and it'll be forgotten, you'll apologise if they are hers, and you can all move on. Or she can let her theft of £300 glasses destroy the friendship group. Do those glasses mean more to her than her friends?

Becuase it's not YOU that's going to ruin the friendship. YOU have done nothing wrong. It might be easier for people to expect you to back down because she's the one in the wrong. People always want the nice people to roll over to make it more comfortable for them.

But if this theft ruins the friendship group, it is HER that is responsible for that. She is risking damaging all these friendships through greed and jealousy. You don't steal off your friends and think you're entitled to it.

Exactly. I'd be interested to know if they still advocated 'be kind" if it was a pair of their expensive shoes or a pricey handbag they bought as a treat for themselves.

Isnt it funny how "be kind" always involves someone else's generosity and never their own.....

I would ring her and let her know she still has time to make the right decision and send them back. It’s more difficult to come up with lies on the spot. Tell her if she continues to lie then you will have no choice but to end the friendship. Just because she’s not as financially secure as you it isn’t an excuse to be a thief.

Don’t ring the police! What a waste of police resources having to investigate a pair of stolen glasses.

Your friends are being ridiculous. Why would they want to stay friends with someone who stole from you. She wasn't sneaking food from your fridge to feed her hungry kids - nobody needs expensive glasses! She's greedy or she was jealous, so she took them. That's not the actions of a nice person, hard up or not.

You deserve your nice glasses because you worked hard and saved for them and treated yourself. Do what you need to do to get them back and don't worry about hurting feelings. She didn't worry about hurting your feelings when she stole from you.