Friend let son (9) go to shop with no adult

[pinkTowel1]

I left my 9 year old son with a friend and have discovered that she let him and their daughter (also aged 9) go to the nearby shops on their own. She never asked me if this was ok with me. It is not something I would have said yes to. He has never done this before. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

At that age while our parents arranged the play date my best friend and I walked to each other’s houses crossing two roads alone. Again it was managed risk as the other child’s parents would know roughly when we would be there.

The OP never returned…

Seriously? What a sweeping statement

It's a shame OP disappeared because I wanted to ask her (not in a goady way - genuinely curious) what she feared would befall him on this trip.

Would anyone who wouldn't allow this in a nine year old be willing to answer with what their specific fears would be?

I assume abduction is a major one - that is what is mentioned by one poster above. But statistically a 9 year old is far more likely to be assaulted or killed by a family member or friend of the family than by a stranger while walking to the shop, so really, letting him visit with friends in the first place is the much bigger risk....

Or is it things like road accidents? Older kids picking on him? Him suddenly being taken ill? Or even that he and his friend will misbehave in the shop and cause a problem?

I do think it's worth identifying what the specific worry is, and dealing with that. Because a short trip to the shops with a friend is an age appropriate responsibility for a 9 year old, most of us would feel (as the thread shows). Children in the end lose out if they aren't given these opportunities. So the parent is best of tackling their anxiety. If it's worry about roads, can you teach them more road safety? If other kids, lessons in safe assertiveness? Etc etc.....

My eldest is 9 and has started to go to the shops on his own, we've been teaching him money and how much things cost etc. He'll often ask if he can go in on his own and get our milk or something. It's teaching them independence and basic life skills.

I can understand you wanting her to check with you first but two 9 year olds popping to the shop doesn't seem to be a big issue in my opinion as long as they're sensible. Her daughter must be used to it and know what to do.

I’m another one that thinks it’s fine. My son was going to the local convenience shop from around age 6. It’s 5 minutes walk up the road, no main roads nearby. He would go to the local chippy by himself (next door to convenience shop) at age 8 and get takeaway for tea. He’s always been very independent and was keen to be allowed to go by himself.

Your son wasn’t alone he was going with someone who had probably done it dozens of times before and was likely confident in doing so, I’d see it as a good learning curve.

Don’t send them again only have him over at yours because this might not be the only thing that you have a difference of judgement on

Depends on the child, my 9 year old has very little sense with road safety. She is a clever little girl but emotionally quite immature. You couldn't trust 100% that she wouldn't go off with a stranger. Other 9 year olds would be well able. I had an 11 year old here recently and I text her Mum to check it was OK she went to shops with my DS. I would always check with the parent tbh.

Unless you specifically told her not too I think you are been unreasonable. I live in an area where the nearest shop is a 10 minute walk up a cut and across a road. (Not too busy but main access into the estate. Most of the kids here will walk to the shop from the age of 6 up. If you didn't like her idea of that kind of thing you should have clarified with your friend what the boundaries are. If you haven't been definitive about boundaries it's unreasonable to expect her to know them and abide by them

Yes. I think that's perfectly fine to go to a shop without an adult at that age. Within a year or two they will be travelling to school on public transport without you.

That's just what Holly and Jessica's parents thought I expect.

@neilyoungismyhero something like that happening is so vanishingly rare we're still talking about it 22 years later. That was also a very different situation as the murderer was someone they trusted so wasn't an abduction.

Incredibly rare. Remember that child snatched out of her ground floor bedroom window and murdered? That was incredibly rare as well. Do you also not let any children sleep on the ground floor?
People who do things like this are evil and it always shocks the nation. But we can not stay locked indoors in a safe room to stop the very rare chance that we meet them.

You're right.

And seeing that their school caretaker and teaching assistant were the murderer and accomplice we should also stop sending children to school shouldn't we? As murderers can build up a relationship of trust at school so that's risky...

And doctors...we shouldn't go to doctors because of Harold Shipman.

And we should have all home births because of Beverley Allit and Lucy Letby.

And while we are at it...we shouldn't allow them to have contact with their uncles...or dads actually...some dads are risky so we should do away with those too.

And now I come to think of it some mums are risky too...some mums have murdered their kids so maybe I'm a risk so I'll make sure they don't come into contact with me...somehow.

Actually. Maybe we should all just go back in time and not have kids eh?

Too risky. Everythings a risk. Let's just all collectively stop bringing children into the world because something incredibly rare might happen.

Different generation but at 9 my mum was sending me to the shop to get her cigarettes.

I am NOT saying this is OK btw. But it was common in those days. This was round about the same time as the Genette Tate case happened, but then as now these things are massively rare.

I let my 9 year old pick up a couple of items i'd missed off the weekly shop, while I loaded the rest of the shop into the car. She met me at the door with change and the items we were missing. Trust your children, let them demonstrate their independence and learn key skills.

I was going to say the exact same thing, it only takes a few minutes to check if it's okay, I still do it now with my dd & ds friends parents & their in their teens.

I'm planning on getting my child a mobile phone when he's around 10/11 years old and letting him get the bus to secondary school on his own, and that will be the start of him going out without an adult. So I'd be really cross at this and think she should have checked with you.

My son does lots of lovely social and outdoorsy things before anyone accuses me of keeping him indoors on screens.

For all those saying what do you expect to happen in broad daylight, there have been news stories over the years where things have happened. Two little girls who went to the shop to buy sweets come to mind, many years ago. More recently, little boys who fell through ice. Not worth it.

More kids get assaulted by a paedo uncle/dad/grandad than kidnapped by strangers or fall through ice. Don’t let them be around any men then!

I trust the men in my family but even so, in order to mediate the risk of that I've taught my son about his body and his rights and given him the language to tell me if anything happens.

Common sense tells me to trust my own dad and not just let my 7 year old leave the house without me for hours on end but if you can't see the logic in that fair enough.

YANBU. I’d always ask the parent first.