Friend let son (9) go to shop with no adult

[pinkTowel1]

I left my 9 year old son with a friend and have discovered that she let him and their daughter (also aged 9) go to the nearby shops on their own. She never asked me if this was ok with me. It is not something I would have said yes to. He has never done this before. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

There are just far too many variables for you to get a definitive right or wrong answer. Some people aren’t bothered, some people are horrified. It’s very dependent on the location of the shop. Do they have to cross roads? Were they gone for 10 mins or 40?

If this lady was doing you a favour by minding your child for you, I would tend to let it go and just let the child go there again, if it bothers you.

I live in Toronto and ds started going to Tim Hortons on his own at 9. It was about a 10 minute walk with one big intersection.

It did wonders for his self confidence. He has special needs and any independence he wants I'm thrilled to see!

I don't know why people see cities as so different? He's 13 now and takes the city bus alone. I like that lots of people are around if he needs help.

I don’t get the “but they can get abducted!” argument. Adults can get abducted. Should we never go out? Car crashes are a huge risk - should we never drive?
The biggest risk to children is often their own family members. You’d be better off not letting them go round their grandparents than not letting them walk to a shop! At that age I was cycling to school and going to a park alone, and definitely the corner shop.

Depends how far away they are, if it’s just the local ones then that seems absolutely fine unless it’s a really rough area.

I wouldn't think twice about it, provided he has been taught how to cross roads safely. Some parents nowadays are genuinely damaging their children by preventing them from developing independence and self-confidence.

Sounds OK to me.
At 9,I used to send mine to local shops to buy our chocolate!
I would not expect a parent to check in with you over that to be honest.
If he was 5 or 6 maybe but not 9.

How your son felt about it is what I would concentrate on.

Generally I think in the UK that’s a no-no right, can’t leave kids of this age unsupervised? Correct me if I’m wrong but I was under that impression.

Having said that I work near a big private school with boarding and kids of this age pop to the corner shop alone regularly?

Abroad that’s pretty normal, eg my friend’s kids who are 7 go to school alone as would almost any other school age kid, but that’s obviously a cultural difference.

So overall seems normal, in British cultural context though that probably isn’t ok.

We let our children go to the local shop from about that age. It’s very close by and no main roads etc. However, I would have sent you a message and asked if he was allowed to go as it is an individual decision for parents when they feel their child is ready.

I would have let this happen, I wouldn't have even thought to ask the parents. In our area, it's common and a lot of them, my son included, were walking home from school alone which took about 20 minutes.

It's good for children to have manageable amounts of independence. Unless they had to cross a dangerous road or something, I think YABU. My children used to love doing shopping for my mum. (Couldn't do it at our house because shop was too far away)

It's perfectly fine for a 9 year old to go to the local shop here in the UK - it certainly isn't a taboo and neither is it against the law.

Technically you can leave a child of any age unsupervised here, as long as it doesn't place the child at risk (if it does, it becomes a criminal offence). We're expected to use our judgement as to maturity of the child.

Much like most other countries. A 9 year old not able/allowed to go to the nearest shop here would not be all that common.

I first went to the shop alone - involving crossing a road - at the age of 5. One of my friends was younger still. Unless it's a long way, I couldn't worry about two nine year olds going to the shop unsupervised. I'd be more worried if they couldn't.

Its very normal where I am. However, it is the sort of thing parent's have different rules on so she should have checked with you ideally.
That said, children can be more sensible at 9/10 than when they hit their early teens in my experience. So its actually better to start to let them have a bit more independence now than wait until they are 13 and they are being allowed more freedom AND they have morphed into complete idiots all at once. (I don't even mean drugs, meeting up with members of the opposite sex or anything. They just lose all common sense for a while. So its actually better if they figure out going to the shops without getting into issues at 9).

I think 9 is a reasonable age to have independence but it is up to the parent and they should have been asked.

I raised those cases only as a previous poster seemed to indicate nothing bad could or would happen, at all, EVER - and that’s simply not true. Yes it’s a minimal risk but that’s for the parent to evaluate - just like anything else. She might not have discussed relevant boundaries with her kid.

I don’t think 9 is an age where it’s a given this would be okay and OP should have been asked. Senior school age I think is where this changes.

I was allowed go all the time as a child-must have been around the age of 9. Safe area, small road to cross. My son first went on his own when, same as you, he went to a friend’s house. Shop didn’t even have a road to cross but a group of young lads called him a name, his friend told them to go away and the lads chased them. That could happen at any age and they said they lost them quickly but I’m still not sure as to how I feel about it as it was wintertime and getting a bit dark

Are you mental? I take it they are both still alive. Grow a pair!

I used to go to the shop at 9, isn't that quite normal 🤷‍♀️ sorry OP

It is very normal here. My 9 year old has been going to the park and the shop since about September. She only has one year until she'll be getting on a bus to secondary so don't want to wrap her up in cotton wool.

The parent should have asked but as nothing bad appeared to have happened maybe see it as a sign to give them more independence?

Comments like this are meaningless. It completely depends on where you live. Where I am the child would have to walk through 2 housing estates and cross a busy main road with no traffic lights that is the access to an industrial estate so has lorry's on it constantly

@Feelsodrained if you have arranged a child at your house you are responsible for them, if they are allowed to play out/go park or shop then fine if you don't know if they are allowed then either ask or don't do it.

Usually as children get older it tends to be them coming round independently(as opposed to a pre-planed play date)
So then it would be between the child's parents and the child to decide what the child is allowed to do.

YANBU to be upset by it, but YABU not to provide context (which you haven't, even though you've been asked frequently since your post). The big thing here is how far the shop is? Of course you would still be in your right to be upset if it was two doors down or 32 miles away, and the two of them did the weekly shop. So, with no context, I suppose YANBU to be upset that you weren't asked first.

I get why you are a bit shocked, but rationally, if you hadn't told the other parent not to let your child go to the shop, then expecting that your child is ok with the same rules as theirs while in their care, is totally reasonable. Logically there could be a 1000 things that are different between what child 1 and child 2 do, from different bed times, meal times, levels of messy play, health of food etc... neither parent can guess the other's rules, so they can only follow their own, unless asked by the other parent.

The only reason that what the other parent did would be wrong, is if you'd taken the initiative to tell her not to do it, or if there is a really obvious difference between the two children, like yours is younger or disabled in a way that obviously makes them vulnerable.

yabu I can’t see any issue with that. Don’t later primary kids walk to school without parents anyway?

I'm imagining her DD always des this so didn't think anything of it.

Walking to shop from my house is 300m and no roads to cross.

That's fine for a 9yo.