Friend let son (9) go to shop with no adult

[pinkTowel1]

I left my 9 year old son with a friend and have discovered that she let him and their daughter (also aged 9) go to the nearby shops on their own. She never asked me if this was ok with me. It is not something I would have said yes to. He has never done this before. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

How far away is the shop?
Did they have to cross any roads?
If so, were the roads busy roads? Did they have crossings?
Can you see the shop from her house?
Did her DD have a mobile phone with her?
Do they know the shop owners/workers?

I've let DS 7 go to the shop on his own when I was in the other shop a couple shops down (row of shops, set back away from the road). I've let him run off ahead to the shop where he had to cross a road too. He stopped and looked before crossing exactly like he knows he's supposed to. It's really normal around here.

A 9 year old is perfectly capable to go to the shop alone or in pair. Nine-year-olds around my neighbourhood go to school alone! trust your child, and don't smother with the tight leash.

It’s dependent on where you live IMO. I live in the middle of a city and DD is only just going to the local corner shop by herself age 10 now, but I can see it would be much safer if we lived in a small village with quiet roads etc.

Depends on the area you live in I think. Generally I would not be ok with this but I am factoring my decision based on my area. We live in London and in our area there are a lot of traffic incidents and it's a known issue. There is a recognised problem with speeding and car accidents or collisions are not uncommon. A friends son 11 was a victim of hit and run while out alone, thankfully they are fine but a scary thing to happen. I would want to be consulted and would allow my child depending on how far the shop is and how mature they are.

Don’t want to single your response out @Redruby2020 but it’s interesting that people always talk about it being a different time.

the reality is that the child murder rate has stayed the same for years.

in fact, in the 70’s and 80’s we had some prolific child serial killers. Nowadays, technology, social media and more effective policing means they tend to be caught more quickly.

I know it’s a bit dark, but kids are probably safer now

i think we’re just much more alert to the dangers

My sons been going to the shop since 9. We do live in a good area and it's just to the bottom of our road and along. I wouldn't of had an issue with them both going. I would likely of asked the other parent though as I know some parents are more overprotective.

I would have asked the child if he was allowed to go by himself.

When would it be OK with you?
My son was getting himself on the school bus at 9. I think it's a good age to explore some independence in controlled situations. A trip to the local shop seems sensible to me.

And tbh it is tiresome having children over who are not allowed to do things other children locally are.

I had a friend who left my 7 ye old alone

i get it. I was furious. They got into trouble too and couldn’t get hold of anyone

At what age does the ‘danger’ diminish? A 12 year old could still be abducted. It’s incredibly rare and as parents we need to reign our fears in and allow them to grow and become independent

Also a 9 yo should be able to cross a road too. I really do wonder when these parents intend to let their kids do these things or teach them.
Agree with a previous poster that there is zero evidence that things are more dangerous now. I’d say any increase in threat comes from online but it’s definitely not the case that there’s more child abductions these days.

Go to "the shops" e.g.: travelling into and hanging around in a town centre or mall - no
Go to the corner shop on a housing estate or along a street in a safe area with only a couple of minor side-roads to cross, to buy a snack or drink - yes

Around here age 9 is when "playing out" in the parks on the housing estate unsupervised begins, some children have freedom to roam on bikes wherever they want within the boundary of the major roads and others have to stay with friends in a specific playground or street area unless they get permission to go elsewhere. I'd also note that your son wasn't on his own, he was with a friend who had done it before and they could keep an eye on each other, and the friend's mum knew where they were.

Me and my sister used go together when we were 4 and 8, our dad would give us money to get a packet of cigs for him and some sweets for us.

I think yabu a bit but it's understandable, letting your child have that independence away from you can be hard! My eldest turns 9 on Tuesday and he's allowed to play in the small park next to the house where I can see him if I look out of the window/hear him with the windows and doors open. I'm still out there every what feels like 30 seconds checking to makes sure he's OK! There are usually other kids from the estate there too who are older and they all play together but it's still anxiety inducing.

However, it's good for them to have that independence in small stages age appropriate and whilst I personally would have liked to have been asked I think what the other mum did was fine and appropriate so I wouldn't say anything. Maybe it could be the start of him going to the shop at yours if the area is OK?

He's 9! After summer he will be in year 5 and the school allow them to walk home by himself.
I think you're being unreasonable.

YANBU

DS is 9 and he doesn't walk anywhere alone yet. I wouldn't be happy at another mum making that decision on my behalf. I would expect her to check.

I am about to look at letting him walk round the corner to a friend's, and by 12 will let him go with friends to places.

As an aside, my 14yo had a friend come round a few weeks ago, I let them walk into town 10 minutes away, go round the shops and then come back. Her mum was not happy with me!! Asked me to not let them do that again! We are all different.

I would be fine with DD2 doing that would but expect the parent to check with me - it's a borderline age. DD1 would not have been OK at that age.

I used to let my DC and a friend (whose mother agreed and approved) go to the shop for sweets or a drink 'alone' aged 9. But I actually shadowed them. And there were no major roads to cross.

By age 10 my DC got the bus into a local town occasionally and went to a cereal cafe to play the vintage video games. they loved that little bit of independence and it helped them feel confident travelling into the city to go to secondary.

I agree OP that the parent should check first. But if there are no busy roads, and they stick together, and the adult watches them until out of sight and follows them if they're not back on time, then it's good for them.

One main reason (IMH and not scientifically tested O) that teens have such high rates of anxiety these days is that they are not exposed to fending for themselves at the age when the brain is ripe to develop these skills - between 7-12, playing outside, sorting out spats with mates, mending broken toys, bikes, making their own breakfast or lunch, taking short, safe excursions unattended by adults. These build self reliance, self confidence, resilience, problem solving. If we keep junior school children wrapped in cotton wool then toss them to the lions at secondary, it's no wonder they panic and feel overwhelmed and anxious and can't process the levels of stimulation and responsibility.

YABU on the face of it but you haven’t given a lot of details ie distance, roads to cross etc. As a brownie leader (girls 7-10) I am aware of the amount of freedom a lot of my girls have. I live in a city and the brownie hall is in a busy and relatively safe area. A couple of our girls walk home themselves Easter to Summer term only. The 8 year olds plus walk to school themselves in the morning and only some of them meet up with friends. Most of the 9 and 10 year olds also go to the local shops whether it’s to buy sweets or pick up newspapers for their parents on a Sunday morning.

Yabu unless the shop is miles away or across a main road. 9 isn't that young. Your also unreasonable to post a thread then vanish into thin air

This happened to me with my DD going to a friend's and DD later informed me they had been to the park for about an hour on their own. And then had gone to the shop. It was a 10/15 minute walk/crossing roads where people often drive irresponsibly.
I was very annoyed. My DD is autistic and easily gets over whelmed, if someone did approach them she would either panic or trust them. And I'm not 100% sure she would look before crossing the road. Of course my friends 9 year old was capable but mine wasn't and I was so annoyed she had made that decision for me.

You've not updated so it's hard to say if tabu or yanbu.

If it's no more than 10 minutes away, with no busy roads, I think YABU. Most local children are allowed to the corner shop/tesco express round here by 8 years old. When I was a child, my mother was overprotective and I was usually the last of my peers to do things but at 9 I was allow to the corner shop, 5 mins away, across a road, and visiting friends would accompany. No one would have thought to ask visiting kids parents if it was allowed. My town hasn't changed that much and it was no more safer then than now.

I was under strict instructions, straight there and back and if I took too long choosing sweets I'd often find my distraught mother charging up the hill to look for me.

Two years later, in Yr 6, I'd be travelling on buses alone to meet my Mum in town after school, largely to prepare me for Yr 7, when most kids have to make their own way to school or hang out independently with friends after school/meet them in town at weekends. Prior to that I'd do the 15 min walk home from school alone, along busy roads, past pubs etc...I was only 18 month older than your son is now.

The kids at local primary schools all seem to do the same these days, and many are younger than I was.

If your son can't go to the nearest shops to buy sweets in Yr 4 or 5 (if he's 9 now), when are you going to start letting him go?

Providing it's a relatively safe, local, place, that is and we aren't going be drip fed a story about a 30 minute walk along rural lanes in the middle of nowhere or across a drug addict riddled estate where knife crime is rife!

Because, as Nancy Mitford so memorably wrote, "abroad is unutterably bloody and foreigners are fiends"?