Friend let son (9) go to shop with no adult

[pinkTowel1]

I left my 9 year old son with a friend and have discovered that she let him and their daughter (also aged 9) go to the nearby shops on their own. She never asked me if this was ok with me. It is not something I would have said yes to. He has never done this before. Am I being unreasonable to be upset about this?

Where I live in the UK, children in year 5 who are ages 9-10 are allowed to leave school on their own. We have to give permission. But once that's done they can just wander out of the school and go where they like. They regularly go to the shops and park etc. It' s small rural town with slow moving traffic through it but this is very normal. Your friend should have perhaps checked you were ok with it first though.

Depends on how far and the roads. No road crossing, not far and the other child has done it before then absolutely fine.

Not sure what the problem is. Do you live in a really rough area?

What age do you deem appropriate to go to a shop? I think this mollycoddling is ridiculous. When I was 9 I had flown unaccompanied to a different country, travelled on public transport regularly, done shopping for my mum regularly, cycled to friends houses a couple of miles away. But yeah, going to a shop with a friend, presumably quite close by, is terrible and dangerous. What do you hope to teach your kids by being like this?

Dodgy area?
Major roads to cross?
Shops in a big shopping centre?

Or quiet, nearby shop that's easy to get to, not far from the house?

If it's the latter, then you're being unreasonable. When are you going to allow your child to behave responsibly away from you and learn to deal with real life situations?

"He has never done this before" - well, now that that ship has sailed, what further independence are you going to allow him so that he can learn life skills? How do you envision him learning life skills?

My DDs walked to school on their own from their 8th birthday (plenty of mums and other kids walking on their route) and were walking to our nearest shops (5-10 minutes away, but no significant roads to cross) not long afterwards. By 9 it didn't occur to me to check with other parents because all of her group of friends were walking to school and back independently.

But as in all these 'at what age...?" threads, it depends on the area, the journey, the roads etc that apply in individual cases.

No if they had to cross a dual carriageway, yes if the shop is round the corner on fully paved roads.

Was there any roads to cross. If no roads and not far that's very normal for a 9 year old to do that.

@pinkTowel1 how did your son feel about it?

Has he survived unscathed?
At 9 he should be capable of going to a shop by himself

You have to give a child independence. Abductions by strangers are very rare. Holly and Jessica were murdered by someone they knew, April Stephens was murdered by someone she knew. If a child isn't allowed to be independent then they will never learn. 9 is old enough to go to the shop with a friend.

To be honest it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to secure the permission of a parent for such an innocuous ‘excursion’. DD was regularly going to the shops on her own because I think it’s very important to encourage independence in children. Research has shown that not letting children experience life without the constant presence of adults is detrimental to their development.

I’m not sure I could be ‘responsible’ for a child who’s parent would have the same expectations as you OP.

Don't most kids walk themselves to school at 10?

DD went to the shop from 8. DS a little later (but he refused to show any sign of road safety in case we sent him up to the shop on errands). In y4 I would have checked with another parent that they were happy for the kids to go together. Y5 would depend on what I knew about the child and their family before letting them out alone.

We live in a village. Our kids know people in most houses between here and the shop. I wouldn't have sent them into town on the bus at primary though.

There's a small shop near my house. You don't cross any roads to get there, its a family run shop with staff are kind and helpful towards local children. I'd let 9 year olds walk there without an adult.

Normal here too, at 9 they would be playing up and down the whole estate and to the local shop.

She hasn't done anything wrong just has a different way of parenting to you and it is normal for her. No harm done, but something to bare in mind to let any parents you leave your child with know if you don't let him anywhere unsupervised.

It depends on the children and the local area but I would have no issue with this for my children.

This is completely normal where I live for children to go to the local shops, out to play etc.

Sadly children are occasionally abducted. You can't base your life around the incredibly rare instances.

It must be an ongoing nightmare for their parents. But it is not a reason to prevent children from developing appropriate life skills.

As others have said, it depends on the journey. If a local shop with no major traffic then a 9 year old should be able to go with a friend

My 9 year old walked five minutes to the shop this morning alone. As there were two of them I wouldn’t have thought much risk?

80s me is, yeah, that's fine! 2024 me is, fuck no.

YANBU.

My child is 10 and never walked to the shop alone . I plan to try this during the holidays as it’s local and he’s going into y6 , in y7 he will be going to school by himself once settled so I’ll start giving him little bits of freedom . But I wouldn’t have even considered it before now and I might even wait until he’s 11 . I would never send my child’s friend , when he starts going , out without an adult without asking the parent first .

If it’s the local corner shop in a normal residential area I don’t see a problem. TBH nine year olds should be able to do this unless there is some issue with either the area or the child’s competence. Unless the OP expected two 9yo to only play indoors or in their garden? It would be reasonable to expect they could play up and down the street - it’s not a big leap from that to both children walking along to the shop.

For what it’s worth I don’t think risks are higher than they were in the 70s/80s but I do think parents’ fear of “something bad” drives them to be excessively cautious and restrict children from doing anything independently of the parent.

One of the key things about the Holly and Jessica case is that they were not "abducted off the street" - they went with someone they knew and thought they could trust, which prompted a massive tightening of safer recruiting practices and the precursor of DBS checks.

I let my 9yo go to the shop on her own. It's just down the road so no busy roads to cross. Only during the day too. I would ask the parents if I didn't know if the friend was allowed though.

Pair of 9YOs and assuming a corner shop in a normal residential area with no sketchy roads to cross then it sounds fine and it probably didn’t occur to her that your DS hasn’t done similar before.