Friend won’t take the hint about my house

[SlovenlyOldSlut]

I have a good friend who I met about six years ago, but only really became very friendly with during lockdown, as I was furloughed and she was caring for her sick father, meaning that as two single people, we had a lot of time for messaging and video calls.

As we live on opposite sides of London, we’ve always met centrally or in specific locations rather than visiting one another’s homes. She’s never been to my place; I’ve been to hers once when she had a tribute evening for her father after he died. That was something everyone she knew was invited to; she’s never invited me there one on one. This hasn’t ever been an issue for me, as there’s no point in either of us trekking across the city unless there’s a real reason to go to the other’s house (e.g. a party).

However, lately she has developed a real bugbear about not having been to my house. At every opportunity, it’s “I can’t believe I still haven’t been to your place! We need to sort out a time”. We’ll be making plans for something else and she’ll throw in, “Yeah, let’s do that - and we need to sort out when I’m coming round to yours too! I really want to see your place!” We were looking at an event near to me and it was, “Ooh, great - and I can see your house too! As I STILL haven’t seen it…” (complete with mock hurt face).

Now, I struggle with housework at the best of times. I don’t like mess, but I just get overwhelmed. However, at the moment it’s worse for a variety of reasons. A relative is storing some stuff here while they’re abroad, so I have less space. Everything seems to be breaking at once too. I’ve just bought a new washing machine, so I’m behind with laundry; the fridge freezer is about to die; plus the hob is now taking turns between either refusing to light at all or taking my bloody eyebrows off. The whole house needs time and money spending on it before I’m ready for guests.

I have TOLD my friend this. I tell her every time she brings it up. I’ve been completely honest about why I’m not ready for guests at the moment and have said I’m going to have a party at some point (realistically Christmas) once everything is a bit straighter. She isn’t listening. It’s always “Awwh, I don’t mind; you should see the mess my place is in sometimes!” - or worse “But I could help you! I love tidying up; it’s my thing, I’ll help!” The latter is my worst nightmare - I let another friend “help” once after she made a big thing about being a big declutterer and I wanted to cry within about five minutes.

AIBU to think she needs to respect my feelings for the moment? It’s not about her not being welcome; I don’t want anyone here at the moment. And it’s not like I’m around there every week and never return the hospitality - like I say, I’ve only been there once. I feel like I need to say that this topic is off limits until I say otherwise, even at the risk of offending her, because it’s becoming stressful having to fend this off every time we meet.

YANBU

I would initiate a discussion with your friend. I would state you are not comfortable and would rather she not bring it up. You will have them over in 6 months or so.

I have a lovely friend with a gorgeous house. They just don't enjoy people in their home space. I'm totally fine with that.

One of my DC does not like to have friends over, even though they are very welcome.

We have had a leak and my OH is not comfortable to have visitors. I don't even worry about cleaning or tidying when close friends or siblings come over. I'm happy if the bathroom/toilet is clean.

Don't be ridiculous

Will that point ever come though? Another six years? They will pass just like the last six, and by then another 20 things will need fixing or replacing.

My house has a shabby hall and stairs carpet, some of my double glazing units are misted, and the new bath panel has been standing against the side of a wardrobe so long I believe it may now be structurally part of the house. There are a dozen other things that need doing, and there always will be. But I invite friends around anyway because I am definitely not going to look back on decades where I couldn't allow people into my life because the integrated door has come off the front of the washing machine again.

I don't care if my friends have 1970s kitchens hanging by a thread, or never got around to fully unpacking since they moved last year. I really don't care at all. But I do care if we can't sit talking shite at their kitchen table.

OP, you paint a picture of a delightful person and an even more delightful friendship. Seeing each other's homes is a natural part of that process in a great many friendships, however, I've heard it enough times over the years when people casually mention mid conversation something to the effect of "in all that time I never once went to her house" and similar, so it'd not like it's alien not to see their home.

A friend of mine once spoke about some friends of her husband's, who'd moved to a brand new house on my road. They went to see them, so of course I said "what was the house like?" to which she told me they never got a guided tour, they went into one room for coffee, and that was it.

She described them as "not the sort of people who show you round", and said in all the years these folk had lived in their other house, she'd never once been upstairs. We're all different.

You friend, @SlovenlyOldSlut, for her it's clearly normal to her to see people's homes. All you need to do is making a point of politely telling her that "you're not that sort of person". Don't say it lightly as part of an add-on to a conversation, make it a stand-alone conversation where you tell her how you feel and how you appreciate the friendship, but that doesn't extend to your home.

I mean, it's not like you're all take, take, take...you do things together and you meet up on neutral ground, so not being at your house isn't the same as not returning an invitation to meet up etc.

@SlovenlyOldSlut

OP, I completely feel your pain and I think you've had some really harsh replies on this thread. I have my own issues going on at home and I don't want anyone to visit. I would not feel happy or comfortable either. People are so insensitive and the "you should see my place" comments drive me to distraction. Sounds like your friend is not going to get that hint. If the worst comes to the worst you'll have to back off from this friendship before it affects your mental health.

Again - YOU don’t care that your friends have 1970s kitchens, or dust-covered skirting boards, or carpets going threadbare… maybe THEY care. I care. Why does your desire to “talk shite at their kitchen table” trump their feelings? Is it more important that my friend gets to see my house at all costs than whether I feel comfortable?

Guests don’t behave? How old are your guests? 5? All this misplaced understanding for what clearly is a serious problem is ludicrous.
Id love her friend to see this post & id bet there a whole other side to it & parts of what going on has been omitted. Her friend is being normal. She is not.

@CleanCityBird , if that's aimed at me, visitors in their 40s.
Bizarre behaviour like going to use the bathroom but while upstairs nipping into my study and having a rummage. Opening cupboard and drawers 'to see what I kept in there', being rude about furniture, furnishings, food etc. Moving furniture and ornaments. Accidentally breaking things. Not using the coffee table but putting a glass on the floor instead etc

An annoying one was a visitor in a room with an obvious path in it would move the chair so the path was blocked, then refuse to move, when there were plenty of alternative seating.

It's not about mess but about the home not being a sanctuary.

Fair enough then, clearly ignore me!

But I assure you my friends don't care. They are comfortable with their lives, and their friendships and self respect do not rely on keeping up an image that is endangered by letting people in.

To be honest you are both the problem and the solution. Clean your house.

It must be bad for a friend to have already intervened in the past.

@TheYearOfSmallThings , OP doesn't need your assurance. Your post is about you and is not the same.

@SlovenlyOldSlut ,ignore her.

I understand I've no judgement but it's unusual so friend may not understand . But as I said also it's weird that friend is so persistent.

Ooh look, you really are the thread police

I live in London and my friends have always been welcome. They have to take me as they find me, as I do with them.

We are not all paranoid about our homes! 🙄

What a mental response. It never fails to amaze me that people read what they want and invent the story they want and not what's actually being said or written

People why are you so vile!? OP is not comfortable having her friend over so her friend should not push it. It's as simple as that. I'm not a horder and yet I HATE having people over (except children they are always welcome because they never judge) because I suck at decorating and keeping things in order. It's quite minimalistic and It's never dirty but still. I do have people over sometimes for dinner but I Hate it because of the stress it provokes. So I get you OP, and if you were my friend I'd be happy to meet outside:)

Yes. this is it entirely.
You've explained that you have improvements you want to make and will invite her when you are ready, its not like either of you are in the habit of going to each other's houses, and yet she simply won't take no for an answer and demolishes every reason you give her.
Nevermind the house and its condition, her attitude dismissing your wishes and pushing you is just annoying.

I also had a friend over and I mentioned to her that we'd had some structural work done and now I wanted to make some improvements. I knew she'd been doing that (over a year I might add!) and I asked if she had any ideas, in a general sort of way. I think she thought I meant the entire place.

Boy did she have some ideas! She really went to town on the place. Some of her suggestions were completely daft and I would never have followed in a million years, some things I was going to do, but depended on doing another job first.
After a while it made me feel awful as if I'd never bothered to do anything... so I had to ask her to stop as she was doing my head in. I was actually surprised at how defensive I felt. Luckily she took it in good humour and said she'd just got carried away and we both laughed about it.

The difference is that I (silly me) actually asked her to come round and also to give her opinion. I'd seen her house before and after, and she stopped as soon as I asked her to. It doesn't sound like your friend would and with all her rebuttals of your reasons and your repeated statements that you'd invite her when you'd got through some of the work and were open for visitors is a bit patronising on her part, as if you aren't able to judge for yourself. Sometimes you can't complete one task, until you've done several other tasks first.

In any case, when I meet up with friends, the last thing I want to do is be stuck at home, I want to be out and about. Much more fun.

I lived in my last house for 18 years and after the first two I didn't invite anyone around. When we first moved in it was clear there was a lot to do, and that was fine, so I was very much "take as you find". Over time the rest of the work didn't get done (married to a builder, of course! Wasn't an appealing after-work project!) and as more and more time passed when I felt less than happy in my home that I wanted to invite people into when it was at its best, when it was finally my dream home, I actively discouraged people from visiting, even family. I think I understand how you feel, certainly more than a lot of people posting, who appear to be reading much more into things than they should! Like you, I was always straight with my friends though, said I was disappointed and didn't feel comfortable that I didn't have the home I wanted/anticipated. If she thinks that's weird than it's on her, really. She should accept your feelings on the matter, but maybe she doesn't get the mental angst it gives you. I, on the other hand, do!! :-)

@TheYearOfSmallThings , not at all, but OP has a friend she does not feel ready to invite over, but the friend keeps pushing for an invite.
Your reply is that you don't care what someone else's house is like. That you don't care isn't the point. OP minds.

I resent the way OP is made to seem to blame for not wishing to invite her pushy friend over.

I added a message to this thread by accident & have reposted as a seperate thread.

@SlovenlyOldSlut I will never understand people's need to see where others live. It is ridiculous. I am known for never inviting friends or anyone into my house for last 30 years. I make it very clear right up front when I get to know someone, I do my socialising away from home, I like to be able to leave when I'm ready. I also have zero interest in their home, obviously they are not weird like me so often invite me round. I have a lovely home/farm in the middle of nowhere. None of my friends find it odd they just accept me as I am, my friendship and feelings are more important to them than gaining access to my home. Iv had acquaintances get pushy or try and turn up but they can't get passed my locked farm gate. Anyone that pushy is a cheeky fucker.

My reasons are I am high functioning autistic and I hate people in my space, I work from home, I have big dogs, I don't want to feel I need to put very sensitive work papers away, tidy up, I don't wear a bra at home, I may not even be dressed in my own home. In the past I found people over stay their welcome, touch things, ask to borrow things, I don't want to hostess.
Your friends feelings do not trump yours, she is very rude, it smacks of an ulterior motive.
Don't be embarrassed by your home, it is none of anyone else's business but I do realise I am not the norm but I don't care and neither do my friends.

My DS 14 is autistic and noone who is not family can enter his room or touch his things or him or it's a meltdown. I even have to disinfect doorknobs etc when people leave so I rather not have people over too often🙃

I have zero interest in seeing how other people live. I don't care for decoration or fashion and some might perhaps find me rude when they invite me to take a tour and I say no, thanks I rather sit down and talk to you😊