To not tell my friend that I’ve heard a rumour that her DH is having an affair?

[Friendadvicehelp]

I have heard through the grapevine (through my nail lady), that there is a woman local to us who has told people that she is having an affair with my friend’s DH. My DH and I have been friends with DF and her DH for 10 years - DF has made it clear to me that she has been going through a bit of a rough patch with her DH but that things have been looking up recently. They have 2 very young DC.

My nail lady doesn’t have any information other than that the OW knows that he has a DW and DC - she also has a boyfriend. The affair has apparently been going on for approx a year but has recently ended due to commitments that mean they are unable to meet up anymore. No idea whether it was just sex or more. She also didn’t tell me the name of the woman - but from what she has told me, I have a pretty good idea of who the OW is. There is no way that this would get back to my friend other than through me.

Should I tell my friend? My heart says to tell her as I would want to know if it was reversed, however I have no concrete proof and my nail lady would definitely not get involved to either find out more information or to speak to my friend. I feel like I’ll end up looking like a trouble causer for mentioning it to my friend without any evidence at all?

Advice welcome!

YES - I should tell her
NO - stay out of it

Your nail lady is being far from discreet, engaging in gossip and passing said gossip on. Whether or not your DF husband is cheating, I think you need to be very wary - you need to be really sure of your facts before you divulge anything to your friend, especially gossip passed on via your nail lady. Let’s face it, that’s what it is - gossip. Even if you have your own suspicions, without absolute proof, that’s all they are. Be very careful.

Been on the other side of this. When I discovered my husband had been having an affair, inevitably lots of people had known but hadn’t told me.

Not only was I humiliated and angry, I (we!) had made decisions about financial issues, future plans etc that I would never have agreed to if I’d known. It left me at a disadvantage. Your friend deserves to know the truth. Whether what the nail lady has said is true, is another question.

As the child of a couple where there was an affair let me say this. You may as well go and destroy her childrens home and torment them to the edge of reason - just cut out the middle woman. You’ll achieve nothing but immense and (as things stand between their parents now) totally unnecessary upset to her kids. You really want to do that? You know that it’s over and their parents are at last getting on better - what do you hope to achieve that could compensate for taking that away from them?

No, their dad caused the pain by shagging around. Why should the mum have to live a lie, be the laughing stock of the village and at risk of STDs?

The only person to blame here is the dad (well and the OW if she know he was married)

I think it's grim that people convinced themselves it's ok for everyone but the woman being cheated on to know.

I loathe these threads. Of course you should tell her. You’d be an utterly shit friend if you didn’t.

If she has two young children with him, she's not going to leave him over rumours. So I don't think there's anything to gain but telling her.

Tell that to my friends daughter who self harmed for years after her parents very acrimoniously divorced. Affairs are not a good enough reason ( man or woman) to shatter a child. Men and women have behaved like twats in marriage s since time immemorial. Nobody’s saying it isn’t reprehensible. Kids are too fragile and vulnerable to be exposed to any of this shit if at all avoidable. They do not ‘get over it’. They do not ‘move on’. They do not ‘make their peace with it’ . They are scarred by it. In many many ways.

Because she’s a mother and as such would no doubt put her children far far far above the ‘laughing’ of a few sad losers in her village. She will be way way more concerned with her childrens mental health, future security and happiness than being able to ‘blame’ her DH for being an arse hole, whatever the consequences. Who gives a toss about attribution when there’s a much much more important imperative at stake. It’s a question of priorities. She’s not unhappy now. He’s evidently got his tail between his legs. If their marriage suffers in the future maybe it’s time to mention the rumour then, in case OW is back on the scene. Until then though, leave this young family to salvage itself.

Tell your DF and strongly point to it being a rumour.

If your DF and her DH are in the spotlight and talked about regularly is there any chance that your DF may already know but chooses to ignore the gossip?

Too interfering and manipulative, even if well intentioned.

I think you should change your nail lady. Fancy that she tells such gossip. She should know better.

id take my business elsewhere

you don’t know how true this horrid gossipy nail person story is. Clearly she likes to just gossip and cause heartache and chaos. No real proof. Only Nast rumour. Don’t tell your friend, except perhaps tell your friend not to use the nail lady as she’s a gossipy so and so.

My friend didn't tell me. I have never really been able to forgive her. She could have saved me years of being humiliated and hurt by my exh.

Was your friend from a posh part of London by any chance and moved out to a more peaceful place by the sea. ? X

Not if it's built on a lie.

He risked the children's happiness.

Children can survive and thrive with separated parents too. Mine separated and it was far nicer than the awful tension when they were together and pretending everything was fine.

Not sure. I probably wouldn't. Reason being they are already acknowledging a bad patch, and working on it with two young DC.

Hopefully he's finished with OW to give it a go. She may already know abyway. Telling her might just complicate things.

It's unsubstantiated gossip and sounds like it's also over. Don't get involved. Your friend might already know. You won't be thanked.

Personally I’d want to know, she can do what she wants with the information and it might not be true but better that she finds out from you than someone else

I found out about my husbands affair two years ago and I wish daily that I could go back to being blissfully ignorant. It would have fizzled out well before now and our lives would have gone on unchanged or maybe improved, instead of falling in tatters around us that can never be fixed.

you don’t have proof or firsthand information. Say nothing.

Can your DH talk to the man in question and say that it is becoming common knowledge, then advise him to come clean with his wife. This would do less harm and perhaps preserve your friendship, should you want to.

Why don’t you get your friend to book an appointment at the nail salon and see if she hears the rumours first hand.

This is so true. I told a relative her partner was on tinder and I was accused of being vindictive for just telling her and I haven’t been invited to my extended families home for about 6 or 7 years.

She’s moved on now and married someone else and I wasn’t invited to the wedding.

I couldn’t believe I was being blamed purely for telling her. I didn’t do it publicly. I privately sent her a screen shot of his tinder profile. It was him and he had cropped her out of pictures of them together. One of which was very recent.

No no no don’t interfere . People say they would want to know, but the reality is that a lot of (most?) people find it completely humiliating to be confronted by something like this through a friend.

I know people say they would want to know, but my guess is that in practice your friend is unlikely to thank you for telling you this or to consider you have been a good friend. She is more likely to feel that you crossed a boundary and in doing so blew up her life and capsized her balance.

Of course if this rumour is true and she finds out about it, and she finds out you knew , that will be humiliating too, but there’s a good chance none of those things will come to pass.

Forget you ever heard this information. Dont be the person who is so quick to believe a third hand rumour and pass it on. Stay out of it, believe nothing and support your friend on the terms that she sets, - that’s how to be a good friend. Right now she feels her marriage is back on track, so stand with her on that .

In any case, you have no idea what is going on in her marriage really. Maybe she already knows? Maybe that was part of the rough patch?

i agree. I may not even tell her you’d heard the rumours if and when OPs friend finds out.