To not tell my friend that I’ve heard a rumour that her DH is having an affair?

[Friendadvicehelp]

I have heard through the grapevine (through my nail lady), that there is a woman local to us who has told people that she is having an affair with my friend’s DH. My DH and I have been friends with DF and her DH for 10 years - DF has made it clear to me that she has been going through a bit of a rough patch with her DH but that things have been looking up recently. They have 2 very young DC.

My nail lady doesn’t have any information other than that the OW knows that he has a DW and DC - she also has a boyfriend. The affair has apparently been going on for approx a year but has recently ended due to commitments that mean they are unable to meet up anymore. No idea whether it was just sex or more. She also didn’t tell me the name of the woman - but from what she has told me, I have a pretty good idea of who the OW is. There is no way that this would get back to my friend other than through me.

Should I tell my friend? My heart says to tell her as I would want to know if it was reversed, however I have no concrete proof and my nail lady would definitely not get involved to either find out more information or to speak to my friend. I feel like I’ll end up looking like a trouble causer for mentioning it to my friend without any evidence at all?

Advice welcome!

YES - I should tell her
NO - stay out of it

Yes. I don’t want to give too much information. Just that it’s not out of the ordinary for people to be discussing my friend or her DH even though they don’t personally know them.

If he is that in the public eye, it’s bound to come out.

Without actual evidence, you don’t have anything to say. Some people have affairs and some people are serial liars who want attention. You have no idea who the nail technican spoke to.

If you tell your friend I imagine it will end your friendship and her marriage will continue.

I did consider this. However she knew something they could only have come from my friend’s DH.

You should tell her. I would want to know.

Take your friend to the nail lady to get your nails done together and ask her to retell the story.

As uncomfortable as it is, I think you have to tell her. It's gossip about town and if she hears it and turns to you, you're in a horrible position. Get out without husbands and kids, tell her on her own straight what you heard. Say you have no judgement - it could very well just be gossip - but you needed to tell her before she heard from someone else in an uncontrolled environment x

It's likely she already knows (or at least suspects) but hasn't told you.

Very difficult situation for you OP. I was in a similar situation years ago re a good friend of mine. I told her of the 'rumour'. I am sure that was the right decision; she is your friend.

Without being too outing, DF and her DH have now moved cities hence why the gossip is unlikely to fall upon DF now.

I know it has already been said, but I think you should tell her.

If I were your DF, I would want to know. What your DF decides to do with that information is up to her - don't ever mention it again, only support her if she brings it up to you.

I honestly think the best thing to do is sit her down and be totally frank - you were getting your nails done and were told that someone was claiming to have an affair with her DH. That you have no evidence or other information, but you felt she deserved to know.

People having affairs don't deserve to have their secrets kept.

I wouldn't say anything. Stay out of it. If there is no way she would ever find out why be the one to drop the bomb.

No of course I’d not pass any gossip on like this, how ridiculous to do that,

Local nail ladies and hairdressers know EVERYTHING. What else do people talk about in the chair?

Don’t share random rumours and gossip.

To your friend: "Just so you know there is a stupid rumour going around that your DH has been having an affair with someone here. I heard it through the nail salon. Not a clue what it's based on but just wanted to give you the heads up"

Wait and see what she replies. If she wants more information then just say what you've told us. If she claims it's rubbish then just support her with that by joining in "yes, people will say anything for their 15 minutes of fame"

Yes of course I would. She is in the dark, making choices about her life without the full information. Imagine if it was you.

I'd risk losing a friend if it meant doing the right thing by my friend

So selfish to sit in information just because it might impact on you

Tell her. Because I've been in That position. The rumours weren't true. But knowledge is power and I was so upset my friend heard but hadn't told me (because she decided herself there weren't true). I told her that no one else really knows what happens in a marriage except the 2 in it. And it isn't up to others to decide what's best. You owe it to your friend. She may already know

No - stay out of it. Your friend and her DH have moved cities, things have been rough between them, but they appear to be working on their relationship from what you said.

So you want to be the one to sabotage that? If her DH and the OW were still seeing each other, it would be different, but they are no longer seeing each other according to the gossip ( and it is only 3rd hand gossip).

If the DH is a minor celeb, isn't it possible the OW is making it up just to boast to her friends/colleagues? Some people never grow out of the teenage lie telling.

Approach the husband and say that if he doesn't tell her then you will

Definitely possible and my initial thought.

But she knew something personal about my friend and her DH and I also don’t understand why she would make it up when she has a boyfriend herself.

I’d keep out of it. It’s all vague and unverified, and just because your friend has been through a rough patch lately it doesn’t mean he’s having an affair. I’d wait and see if something more tangible turns up - if not keep it to yourself and remember ‘shoot the messenger’.

Dreadful gossip all round.

You should have shut the conversation down way way before details and names were bandied. Whoever it was about.

Gossip is gossip. You have no idea whether this is true.

And due to gossip there is frequently smoke without fire.

It sounds like they’ve already split and for all you know your friends move was precipitated by the affair and she may already know and not want it to be public knowledge. Be supportive and say nothing. I’d be more tempted to speak to your friends DH than to say anything to her.