To not tell my friend that I’ve heard a rumour that her DH is having an affair?

[Friendadvicehelp]

I have heard through the grapevine (through my nail lady), that there is a woman local to us who has told people that she is having an affair with my friend’s DH. My DH and I have been friends with DF and her DH for 10 years - DF has made it clear to me that she has been going through a bit of a rough patch with her DH but that things have been looking up recently. They have 2 very young DC.

My nail lady doesn’t have any information other than that the OW knows that he has a DW and DC - she also has a boyfriend. The affair has apparently been going on for approx a year but has recently ended due to commitments that mean they are unable to meet up anymore. No idea whether it was just sex or more. She also didn’t tell me the name of the woman - but from what she has told me, I have a pretty good idea of who the OW is. There is no way that this would get back to my friend other than through me.

Should I tell my friend? My heart says to tell her as I would want to know if it was reversed, however I have no concrete proof and my nail lady would definitely not get involved to either find out more information or to speak to my friend. I feel like I’ll end up looking like a trouble causer for mentioning it to my friend without any evidence at all?

Advice welcome!

YES - I should tell her
NO - stay out of it

If a friend decides to shoot the messenger, then they’re not your friend.

If a friend falls out with you for informing you of rumours they’ve heard first hand - they’re not your friend.

For me it’s a no, speaking as a person whose marriage has never really recovered from one of us being falsely accused of having an affair.

My view is tell her. Either:

1. Its true. In which case I’d want to know.
2. It’s a horrible lie made up by some woman who is spreading malicious gossip. I’d want to know if this was being spread around about me and is untrue.

You say if you say nothing it likely won’t get back to your friend but it’s already being spread by her flipping nail lady so goodness knows who she’ll tell next. Even if it was a blatant lie I’d be really hurt if my friend knew and didn’t warn me.

Knowledge is power. Tell her the facts with no emotional interpretation and let her decide what she wants to do with the information.

I would want my friends to tell me and would want them to tell me. We are there to support each other, always.

If it’s not true you can help her stop the rumours and deal with the lady who started them or if it’s it true you can support her.

Have you asked your dh if there’s any truth in it if he’s friends with her dh?

It’s not helpful because the OP has absolutely no evidence other than ‘a friend of a friend of a friend of my nail woman said..’

So if the OP does this, he will say to his wife “your batshit best friend has approached me behind your back gossiping about something she heard at her nail bar from a friend of a friend of a friend. Apparently I’ve been having an affair with some woman. No one seems to know who… including me, obviously “

I spent my working life with people whose names were known in small or global circles. The unfounded gossip is off the scale. People love to make themselves important.

I’d definitely want to know.

I'd gird your loins and tell her.

Tell her. I’ve just been in this situation, friend was scared to tell me but did anyway. I was so grateful and I’d never fall out with her over something like this. If I knew she knew about it, and didn’t tell me, I’d be really upset with her

If it was my sister or brother I would say something. A friend no.

I'd heard rumours once about my friends husband having an affair. They had three young children.

One day she asked me if I thought he was having an affair. I laughed it off I just couldn't smash up a family. They're still married Forty years later.

I would absolutely tell her, I couldn't keep that from a friend.

I would want to know if it was me. But your friend may be one of those who would not want to know. It's a very heavy responsibility on you to decide which group your friend falls in to. Which do you think?

You don't know anything for sure, just that someone says a woman has said she had an affair with your friend's husband. Saying nothing wouid not be betraying a good friend, on the contrary, by speaking you could undermine your friend's trust in her husband and ruin their marriage. Ever seen or read Othello?

If you were sure of the facts, then I'd say tell.

If she's a good friend I would tell the whole story as in: "Listen, this is what I was told by the nail lady, it might be true or not I really have no idea, but it's gossip work colleagues told the nail lady and because I appreciate our friendship I needed to tell you", then tell her exactly what nail lady told you. I would be very very mad if my friend didn't tell me, but that's just me. Maybe the story is not true but your friend deserves to know people are gossiping about it.

I'd tell your friend that someone local has been gossiping to the nail woman that they've been seeing her husband and that you've no idea whether or not any of it's true!

Its gossip and I would have no problems if anyone didn't tell me gossip about my husband, if he was up to something that is on him not people who think they live in a soap

This kind of thing happened to my FIL, someone heard from a friend my MIL was cheating and sent him a moonpig card with the information they had heard on it and he confronted MIL and truth all came out. We still don't know who sent the card and this was years ago.

I think it’s too unconfirmed to say anything. If anything, I’d ask the husband and watch his face.

I found out my partner of 2 years was having an affair. A girl I was friends with for years also knew him and the girl he was having an affair with (had known me a lot longer than either of them) She claims she didn't 'know' but admits she had suspicions and asked him and he denied it.

We are no longer friends. I could never trust her again

Don’t tell, you’ll lose her if you blab and spend your whole life cross about how unfair it is that you were the baddie.

keep your nose out.

Honestly, unless you have absolute solid proof- of which this is not, I would stay well, well out of this.

Exactly this.

Why couldn’t you trust her?
She asked your dp and he denied it.
She did nothing wrong.

Why don't you ask your friends husband out right or tell him what you heard? Just get him alone or ring him and say listen this is what I've heard. Is this true? Whether it is or not you need to DF so she's either aware of rumours or knows the truth. X

I’ve been the wife in this situation and believe me when I say I wish I had been told. When I finally found out (at 6 months pregnant) it soon became apparent that I was literally the last to know and it was devastating and humiliating beyond words. I’d try a bit more digging to substantiate the rumours and then make your decision.

@Friendadvicehelp it’s hearsay.
I would stay out of it.