To not tell my friend that I’ve heard a rumour that her DH is having an affair?

[Friendadvicehelp]

I have heard through the grapevine (through my nail lady), that there is a woman local to us who has told people that she is having an affair with my friend’s DH. My DH and I have been friends with DF and her DH for 10 years - DF has made it clear to me that she has been going through a bit of a rough patch with her DH but that things have been looking up recently. They have 2 very young DC.

My nail lady doesn’t have any information other than that the OW knows that he has a DW and DC - she also has a boyfriend. The affair has apparently been going on for approx a year but has recently ended due to commitments that mean they are unable to meet up anymore. No idea whether it was just sex or more. She also didn’t tell me the name of the woman - but from what she has told me, I have a pretty good idea of who the OW is. There is no way that this would get back to my friend other than through me.

Should I tell my friend? My heart says to tell her as I would want to know if it was reversed, however I have no concrete proof and my nail lady would definitely not get involved to either find out more information or to speak to my friend. I feel like I’ll end up looking like a trouble causer for mentioning it to my friend without any evidence at all?

Advice welcome!

YES - I should tell her
NO - stay out of it

TBH I wouldn’t in this particular instance. First off, it’s uncorroborated, not even second hand, it’s third or even fourth hand.

The nail lady suggested it been going on for a while but recently ended.

Your friend has said things had improved with husband recently.

For these reasons I would try to forget I had heard it. If may actually be true the thing is over now leading to improved relationship for couple. Perhaps she knows and they are giving it a go, doing a fresh start. Perhaps she doesn’t know for sure, suspected something, but things have been a bit better lately so she’s making a go of things.

If that’s the case she may not appreciate being told this. She’d have to confront him, consider taking kids and splitting up with all the mess of that - alternatively she’d say your mistaken, it’s all bullshit rumour and drop you as the bearer of tales.

It’s knee jerk for people to say “oh I’d want to know and would leave if X cheated” when it’s theoretical but in reality loads don’t leave. They have kids, shared finances, face hardship and heartache if they act on it. A significant percentage just quietly move on putting suspicions to one side if no-one told them to their face (or even if they did). If they “don’t know” they are not forced into acting.

I may feel obligated to tell if I knew for sure and the affair was ongoing. If it’s such common knowledge it will come out anyway without your help.

I would stay out of it if they are that well known it could be lies the nail technician should stop spreading it. Very odd if this woman did say they were having an affair kept it hidden for a year and only spoke out when it ended. Especially when she has a boyfriend I would imagine she would have kept her mouth shut if it was true. If the couple have moved to another city and there was an affair the woman might want revenge and it to get back to his partner by anyone else but her.

And she could be a fantasist because he's a celebrity.

You are part of that culture! The British press and social media, MN gossiping about royal family and celebs…

It was the extended public doing the gossiping about anyone even slightly in the public eye, not people within the industry.

I think that's more the husbands fault than the barber 👀

absolutely I’d tell my friend and I’d be furious if a friend knew and hadn’t told me

I'd 100% tell her. Say it in a way where you're pretty pissed off there's a rumour about her (i.e. that people are gossiping) and leave it at that.

I don’t know how to vote as not sure which is you should tell her and which is you shouldn’t. But you should definitely tell her what you’ve heard, you’re not a very good friend if you don’t.

Absolutely NO WAY should you tell her. Been there, done it. Stay right out of it. You will be shot as the messenger. Eventually she will find out, just make sure it’s not from you. Believe me, I’m right. 🌺

That's a very tricky one, OP. First off, the OW could always be lying. Secondly, the nail lady could be spreading rumors she isn't even sure of. Thirdly, your DF could be in the know and not have wanted to share that with anyone. Fourthly, if you do tell and they patch things up, you'll end up being the trouble causer who couldn't keep her mouth shut about it. Or the worst could happen, DF finds out and gets mad at you for knowing and not telling. All in all, if it gets to this, you can always tell her you thought it was unsubstantiated and you didn't want to be the one to ruin a relationship that, in her own words, is getting better after a crisis.

Could you speak to the DF’s husband? Tell him you’ve been told and “if he doesn’t tell her, you will?”… without intending to do so, of course?

Can you do it anonymously - send her a card through the post? That way she has the info but not from you and she can decide what she does with that info?
I've been in your situation years ago and it's horrible. I kept quiet to the person it affected and looked back on how I could've done things differently. It did all come out in the end and marriages ended but they didn't get the info from me.

I think I might tell her "did you know this rumour is doing the rounds" rather than DH is having an affair.

Even your nail lady doesn't really know if it's true. "OW" herself could have made it all up and even if there's an element of truth, it will have been embellished several times over before it reached you.

When I was in my later years I got pregnant. We lived in a small village but ran a business in the town, the kind where everyone knows you.

I gave birth to a beautiful boy the spitting image of his father.

Only then was I told about the gossip which had spread far and wide that DH was not the father, was going to divorce me once the baby was born and had been tested.

I was horrified, DH amused.

Not all gossip is true.

This is so far away from
the original source as to be little more than passing on gossip . In this scenario I would leave well alone . If something comes to light in the future where there is more concrete proof then be ready to support her

Have you considered that as they were having a rough patch your DF knows about the affair and since things are improving and they have 2 DC best to leave it alone

It's unsubstantiated gossip, I would not say a word to your friend.

If she was a good friend I would definitely tell her. But I’d firstly do some investigation and find out for myself first.

This is just the place to advertise the rumour about your friend's husband. It must be gospel if you heard it in a nail bar!

My ex husband did have an affair and everyone knew except me! I found out myself and then discovered everybody else knew. It was awful. No one would tell me because they didn't want to get involved but I really wished they had. I felt such a fool. Have you considered approaching the husband of your friend? Let him know that everybody knows and that he should come clean and tell his wife himself before someone else does. He needs to beg forgiveness. However a leopard never changes it's spots.

Well, if OW is gobby and shameless enough to be telling this to people, why on earth would you not tell your friend this is what’s going on behind her back?! I’d like to know if I’m being gossiped about like this so I have a chance to decide what I want to do about it. I wouldn’t present it as fact. I’d simply say that a beautician (or nail lady if you’re happy to be specific) has said this and you think she needs to know exactly what others seem to know!

Maybe just tell her BF?

See what happens then. Can always do it anonymously?

Is your friend Meg Ryan?

That was my first thought! 😄

Honestly, I wouldn’t because you don’t have the proof. These things come out anyway so at some point she will find out.