To not tell my friend that I’ve heard a rumour that her DH is having an affair?

[Friendadvicehelp]

I have heard through the grapevine (through my nail lady), that there is a woman local to us who has told people that she is having an affair with my friend’s DH. My DH and I have been friends with DF and her DH for 10 years - DF has made it clear to me that she has been going through a bit of a rough patch with her DH but that things have been looking up recently. They have 2 very young DC.

My nail lady doesn’t have any information other than that the OW knows that he has a DW and DC - she also has a boyfriend. The affair has apparently been going on for approx a year but has recently ended due to commitments that mean they are unable to meet up anymore. No idea whether it was just sex or more. She also didn’t tell me the name of the woman - but from what she has told me, I have a pretty good idea of who the OW is. There is no way that this would get back to my friend other than through me.

Should I tell my friend? My heart says to tell her as I would want to know if it was reversed, however I have no concrete proof and my nail lady would definitely not get involved to either find out more information or to speak to my friend. I feel like I’ll end up looking like a trouble causer for mentioning it to my friend without any evidence at all?

Advice welcome!

YES - I should tell her
NO - stay out of it

If this friend is called Michelle, we all know anyway.

Why does this not surprise me, he was the one cheating

Ah don’t say that I like those two ☹️

Sounds like a horrible environment and culture I am glad to have never been part of then!

Because if she had enough suspicion to approach him I would have hoped she would have come to me.

I don't actually believe she didn't know either, just speaking from my experience I'd rather my friend tell me than not.

Well I was pretty fucked off when I discovered that my friends knew that the bloke I was seeing was shagging someone else, but decided not to tell me. I felt pretty betrayed. So I think you should tell her.

Years ago my new mobile hairdresser gleefully told me about a community worker who was shagging another well known local; apparently she absolutely knew this because such-and-such had said something to so-and-so and they were "completely trustworthy"

Imagine her embarrassment when told that I was that community worker and that the whole thing was damaging nonsense ... a lesson, perhaps, in not spreading rumours which have come second, third or fourth hand

Is there any way you can raise it with the husband?

You have said that your DF has said she has been having a rough patch with her DH but things are on the up. Also that the OW has said it has ended.

Perhaps your DF knows about the affair and her finding out has brought it to an end and she just hasn’t confided in you?

It’s really none of your business.

It’s not solid enough information yet. If he’s well known anyone could be pissed off with him and be spreading malicious rumours. I think you need to find out more before you tell your friend.

I've been in a similar situation, told my friend, she initially ignored it (and me) it finally all came out. She forgave him but continued ignoring me, I lost a friendship over it. If I could go back in time id keep the information to myself tbh

Your title implies they're still having an affair yet you go on to say it's recently ended.

Whether your friends DH did or didn't have an affair what you need to think about before you do decide to tell your friend is everything you've been told is 3rd hand hearsay and you could possibly risk you're friendship ending if you're friend doesn't believe you.

I'd also change nail technicians as clearly your current one isn't afraid to spead gossip that even they don't know for sure is true.

I realise that this particular horse has bolted but the answer is not to engage in idle gossip. 'Nail Lady' had no business in divulging all these salacious details to a client, and you had no business to listen to her.

If people try this number on me I shut it down quick smart saying I'd rather they didn't tell me. Not only is gossip unedifying but no good ever comes of it for anyone, as you're now discovering.

Nicholas flannery…

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8_0WpAIcY5/?igsh=OWlpcGNkaTA1Mm02

Tell her! She's your friend

I'd stay out of it and say nothing, if anything comes of it in the future and it happens to be true I'd pretend I never knew anything about it, it's a tricky one but you stand to lose your friend if you tell her, especially if it's not actually true

When someone did this in a situation I was aware of (told the H first) he used the opportunity to create a story where the OW was a stalker and had been given enough warning and time to do so, because the friend went first to him

It's nothing but malicious gossip. Find a different nail lady.

My husbands barber is a gossip. She fills my husband in on the latest. The trouble is one story was about our neighbour who's husband was sleeping with another neighbours daughter. It meant them selling up a home she loved to get away from the mistress. They're still married as well.

I would want to be absolutely certain it's true before saying anything to her. Maybe DH could do some digging. But if it was my DH and friends found that out. I would want them to tell me.

Yeah I think you need to tell her. It doesn’t need to be presented as fact. You could just say “I think you need to hear what’s being said about your DH”. What a crap position to be in OP.

This is straight out of the movie “The Women,” starring Meg Ryan, right down to the nail lady, Debi Mazar, spilling the beans to the best friend, Annette Bening.

There was also a 1939 version.

Do not tell her.

However it plays out, the messenger is always the one to get shot.

You want to tell your friend about an affair that's finished, at a point when she's starting to be more positive about her relationship?

Just sounds cruel to me. What good would it actually do anyone?

I wouldnt say anything.Its second hand news .Idle gossip .If you say something and its not true then it will rebound on you .Chances are your friend may suspect anyway