Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

It doesn’t matter if OP is in the top 5% or top 0.05% - she’s not a cash cow.

I like being able to treat my friends and family, but the second I started getting snide comments, or I was expected to cough up, would be the second I stopped.

I think the advice to be clear if another meal is planned that you will not be picking up the tab is a good idea. Be blunt and say you would love to come but will not be paying for everyone. Their rudeness has stopped you wanting to ever treat any of them. Take cash and pay for your own plus a tip. If they moan ignore it. If they keep moaning then just leave.

God I hope you didn't pay for it. They all sound horrid

This. What a horrible reaction from them. Disgusting. And the mortgage broker deserves to lose their job.

They have shown you who they are and how little they respect or care for you. So you won’t be missing out when you go no contact.

You deserve better.

you could have such a lot of fun!!
eg let them order and then mention that you checked the menu decided your order in advance and that you brought no cards, you only bought enough cash to cover your share

This. I'd be fucking furious.

How sure can you be that it was the mortgage advisor who spilled the beans?

It doesn't take much to work out your in x profession & he's in y you must be earning a packet.
Zoopla will also say what you paid for your house.

However giving them the benefit of the doubt you shouldn't be expected to foot the bill.

The next time you are invited out make it clear the bill is being split BEFORE you accept the invite.
Sorry we can't foot the bill, we have a mortgage to pay

This. It is an offence to breach GDPR and frankly, you should complain to their employers and the financial ombudsman. The cheeky so-and-so should never have disclosed any info!
As for the family, next meeting, make it clear if they expect you to pay, they are very much mistaken! If they can't get over themselves, then that's their problem.

Mortgage advisor needs reporting. Re the family id lie and say lost your jobs and taken cheaper job. Also stop paying...pay your bill no one else

I have a bit of this from my family. I might have words if I hear it mentioned again. It's very annoying.

The thread about the team leader who took a grifter out and then ensured he paid his share is worth a read.

Absolutely this. You won't be missing much, by the sound of it.

If they are family make sure you say upfront we will not be paying and the bill will be split. You may find you don't have to cut anyone off they will cut themselves off and you will be left with the genuine family members who like you for your company not your salary

@Spotlightdeck

family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us

And why, exactly, didn't you pass it straight back again?

YANBU maybe if they weren't so entitled you'd help someone in genuine poverty. Their finances are not your issue. Be the bad guy in their story and cut them off, you are anyway so why should you pay for everything as well.

Did you just say nothing and pay!?

Why!?

The next time an invitation is sent out, address it directly.

You: “Thank you for the invitation. Will everyone be paying for their own meals?”

Them: “Yes I suppose so if you’re not willing to you help your poor family out, you greedy selfish pig ” (or words to that effect)

You: “I am hurt that you seem only to value me for my money. In future please only invite me if you want my company. I will not be picking up anyone else’s bill, unless it is my choice to do so.”

That is so annoying and grabby. I don’t think I’d cut them off but I’d just stop picking the bill up. If someone handed it to me I’d look it and then pass it around while asking everyone to take a note of how much they spent. I’d also shoot down any snidey comments or mention how a large part of it goes on tax but that’s really neither here nor there. They’re just not entitled to your money. Period.

I don’t earn anywhere near six figures but I had a friend like this. She got the biggest shock when I just stopped paying the bill and she had to fork out for herself.

The irony is her own partner doesn’t even take her out for dinner but she expected me to pay the bill for her just because I earn more (due to working full time) and she chooses to work part-time despite the fact her kids are all 12+

We have exactly this with dh's family. They always say dh is the "glue" that holds the family together. More like the golden goose.

If you family are struggling financially, it's inevitable that they are expecting you to pay. How were they made aware of your finances? That needs addressing.
Now we can understand why people who win the lottery fall out with family and friends

Yes I agree with this. While my brother knows I earn well as he's also in the civil service, we make sure to play down Hs salary and not indicate how much our household earns. Otherwise it just makes things difficult.

Is it possible that the mortgage advisor didn't share your details, but family know you have applied for a mortgage and bought a house bigger than what they would be able to buy? So they might not know specifics but have the perception of you being loaded.

If you know for a fact that the mortgage advisor shared your personal details then you absolutely must report them.

And stop accepting invites to pay for everyone else's meals.

This isn’t a conversation I’d have with a group. In my family, I’d probably talk to either my dm or dsis and in DH’s family that lynchpin would be mil.

I’d say that their treatment of you and your partner has been appalling, and left you feeling hurt and used. That you are not inclined to attend family events going forward if this doesn’t stop completely.

It’s pretty humiliating to be expected to roll over and pay up every time. Just because they’re justifying it as you “rolling in it” doesn’t change the power play, ganging up and bullying vibe. That’s a very high price to pay to be a member of the family, before you even count the £££

But I suppose those are the things you need to think about too - why have you accepted this shabby treatment? What are your family dynamics like otherwise? What’s your role in the family?

Have the conversation 1:1 with whoever wields the influence. It’s much harder for them to make fun of you without a gallery to play to.

If my siblings knew some of our financial matters, they’d be seething with jealousy. Thats why we play everything down. We underplay everything.

I do agree it wasn’t wise to use someone connected to her family because i keep family and business separate. However, my siblings earn way more than me , one (accountant) earns around 75K the other (medical professional who also has investments ) earns over 100K and both are childfree. I’d never be jealous!

Perhaps OP didn’t realise there were those kind of vibes in her family. I can’t imagine being jealous of my siblings 😣

Even other things like posh cars, designer handbags, flash holidays are things that will indicate that you are out earning them.

The more I think about it the more I doubt the mortgage adviser (who's probably also earning plenty) would open their mouth.

It will be all the other indicators of wealth.

Jesus fucking Christ. That is appalling.

I’d tell them all exactly what I thought of them and go NC. Disgusting behaviour.