Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

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DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

That's so rude. My BIL and SIL earn about as much as you do and our income is low enough for our dc to get free school meals. They have never bought anything for us apart from the usual birthday/Christmas presents and not would I expect them to.

The mortgage advisor has breached their duty of client confidentiality, not GDPR.

If you family are struggling financially, it's inevitable that they are expecting you to pay

When we were struggling financially because DH was made redundant when I was on maternity leave, we didn’t go out to restaurants. We didn’t expect family members to pay. That’s not ‘inevitable’.

Hope you weren’t a complete doormat and passed the bill back!

We have one sibling wealthy.

One sibling made redundant with mortgage and generally low income.
Sibling who is comfortable said I'm.am here if you need me.
You will have always have a roof and and your family will not go hungry.

The relief on the other siblings face was unmeasureable. Just the relief.
He is and will.find a job but to say those words took away the stress away at that moment.

Well I pay for the odd extended family meal but wouldn't pay for a four course expensive meal. Just normal gastro pub /restaurant places. Starter main dessert plus drinks. My family wouldn't expect it though. And they might sneak off to pay first. I don't mind treating people.

I don't understand why you paid for the four course fancy meal? If someone tries to "make" me pay for their food I wouldn't see them again.

I ignore the "you're loaded" comments from cousins. It's a bit embarrassing.

I do think YABU because paying for less well off family members at a meal is fairly normal and I'd hate to see them scrimp for a meal I could easily afford. I'm not expected to "help them out" in the rest of their life.

I think yanbu that your family in particular sound rather toxic.

I dont think cutting people should be your immediate response, but I definitely wouldn’t be so available for family meals or situations you suspect the bill will be sliding your way.
can you have a word with the family members involved or would it not make a difference?
perhaps see if distancing yourselves and having the talk makes changes things,if not then yes, absolutely drop contact.
I would also have a word with your mortgage advisor and press home how inappropriate and unprofessional they have been.

All I can think of here is you calculate the bill cost divided by the number of people there. Announce its going to be £100 or whatever each. Pay your share and if they refuse you say "you expect me to pay a £1000 bill? Where did you get that silly idea?" No".

Stand up to them.

No, it isn’t inevitable at all. Maybe if your family is comprised solely of cheeky fuckers, but not otherwise.

This

Sympathise with you OP. Perhaps a combined plan of action is needed. Think about what steps might help, and decide what your cut off point is. E.g.:

• Discuss individually and explain how their behaviour makes you feel. Tell them what you would like to change. Ask them if they can do this.
• Look at yourselves and see if there is opportunity to make your wealth less visible.
• If their behaviour continues, say no clearly and concisely. No explanations.
• Don't join expensive events with them. Be proactive and arrange low cost events where the topic of money shouldn't even come up. e.g. picnics, bbq, board game evenings, walks in nature.
• Decide where your NC cut-off point is in the plan.
• Be calm and kind. Don't lose your values just because of such people!

Good luck!

I wouldn't be reporting my family member in this situation. I'd have a blunt conversation with someone in the family, and explain why you won't be attending all family events,or oaying for everyone when you do.

I think there’s a very simple solution - don’t go and see your family. If you want to see particular people, invite them to yours. Is there any way you can speak to your parents or siblings about it without causing an argument? And what does your DH say? For people to expect you to pay for a family meal of four courses is nothing short of outrageous. Next time something like this is arranged, I think I would make sure I was busy.

I hate this smug shite. Great for you but not everyone is in this position.

And I bet your saintly sibling will sing a different tune when your brother asks them to pay their mortgage for the best 20 years. Talk is cheap.

I hope you didn't pay the whole bill.

I would have just paid for myself and walked out.

Surely the mortgage advisor broke code of conduct by discussing your situation with anyone.

You are very wrong in your assumption.
Sibling is generous and has proved this by supporting in times of need.

Likewise would never be expected to pay for expensive meals etc.

Why you have to be negative I don't know.

THIS!

Why is everyone accepting it was the mortgage advisor???
There are more than one way to estimate people's wealth, zoopla, the car they drive, their holidays, job title.

A couple of lawyers in amongst a family of cleaners and checkout operators they are going to guess they are minted!

If you family are struggling financially, it's inevitable that they are expecting you to pay

May I ask why, @Despair1?

My own friends and family come from all walks of life, some very comfortable and some not, but I don't know a single person who'd expect this kind of thing - though TBF I wouldn't mix with them if they did

I earn nowhere near that (I'm minimum wage) but they're absolutely cheeky fuckers.
Just because you earn more than them, doesn't mean you have to be paying for them all the time!
They have no idea of your other bills and outgoings, and even if they did, it's nothing to do with them.
I'd not be wanting to go out with them if they're going to be knobbers.

So you look at the receipt, say "thanks, our share is £200 (or whatever), have the rest of you got cash or are you paying by card too?" or something like that. If you just say there and sucked it up you're a mug frankly!

Cheeky twats

It’s the 4 courses, when they would not do that if they themselves were paying, I would feel so used.

Do not go to a restaurant and leave them with the bill, they literally may be unable to pay it. Say so beforehand. You never know, they might sue you otherwise!

I never really understand this, did you pay it then? Why?

You could have just paid your portion then handed it back.