Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

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DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

But did you just pay it?!! Please tell me you didn’t

I would have said thanks- are we each paying for our own or splitting it evenly?

no way would I be paying!!

don’t go to restaurants with them, ever. Or anywhere where payment is required. You could go for a walk instead.

mind you, this is how people who earn well are treated in this country. Everyone thinks higher earners should pay for everything.

I'd not cut my family off for this, but I'd be bloody livid about it. I'd have harsh words with the mortgage advisor and let them live in constant fear that I was going to report them (probably wouldn't though).

I'd just refuse to pay. Treating your mum and dad once in a while would be nice, but not be expected to stump up for everyone every time. Honestly, you need to be a lot angrier about this!

@PreesHeath
yes and no

If we have a family meal, my parents pay for all of us

And if I take my niece and nephew out, I'm happy to pay for them

But if I go out with my brothers or cousins, we split the bill

Is it just parents that do this? Or other extended family members?

I hate reading about people being doormats. Tell me you didn’t pay for that meal OP.

Feck your family member is bloody awful. I would complain and not care at all if they got sacked.

simply passed the bill over to us
I'd have rummaged in my bag, then stood up patted all my pockets and exclaimed, OOOPS forgot my wallet

Book.an.expensive resturant and.pull at last minute.
Like at the exact time

Sorry car broke down enjoy the meal without us.

They sound truly awful, I honestly don’t think you are missing out by not being around them. I can’t imagine doing that to anyone, it’s utterly shameless.

I agree with this.
If I go out with DC and their partners I insist on paying.
My siblings or other family I would expect to split the bill.
The mistake here is in not talking about it and agreeing in advance.
You have earnings of £200k between two of you. That makes you very high earners in anyone's book.

I just don't understand why you paid for that meal, OP. You should have paid for yourselves and left the restaurant. Why should you be expected to pay and not even choose the restaurant?

Do these people include your own mum and dad?

if you keep paying then they'll keep expecting you to.
No use coming on m'net and complaining. Tell them you won't be paying.

Woʻlw your mortgage adviaor has breached GDPR there!

I would be cutting them al off financially

Sympathy OP.
its fucking miserable and we are in the same situation and have had the same thing happen to us. We are generous people but its so miserable to k ow that the people who should love you just.want to mooch off you and have a jolly at your expense.

It came to a head at a similar meal. I had had enough.
The awkward convesation went

I said "okay so are we happy to divide by 4? Our share is £250"

"Oh we thought you'd pay"

"Erm.... okay. And Why should we pay for everyone?"

"Blah blah"

"Okay look ours is actually more like £150 but we are happy contribute more and divide per person and put down £250. Dh can you go pay our portion now. You can work it out between you how you want to split the rest"

My dh walked off to pay our share and i went for a long toilet trip.

We never invite them out unless we pick the restaurant and we are prepared/happy to pay (i select them carefully so i can do damage control as its always 3 course and a bottle of wine each 🙄)
If we accept invites i ask how we are splitting the bill ahead of time and gice zero fu ks how awkward it is.

His family are just from another planet and we had been together long enough to be wayyyyy past pleasantries

wow they are taking the piss. Report the mortgage broker for a breach of gdpr. Totally unacceptable. Next time you are going out with family, make the statement in advance that you are only paying for your own meals. Your wage is none of their fucking business 🖕

They have no pride and they are spongers.

Call them on it.

This

My DB used to be like this (I don't earn your salary but he made assumptions due to the industry I used to work in). Used to make comments that I could afford to help him out, I was selfish and how could I see my nieces and nephews have power cut off etc.....

I used to respond with you need to speak to x company, or work out a payment plan, or x debt charity. That he was a grown adult who was responsible for living in his means. Eventually he stopped calling and stopped asking.
He still mumbles under his breathe occasionally but has stopped with the requests.

My advice to you is to offer practical advice each time and be clear they are adults who should manage their own financial situation. Stop going to meals out with them as well.

but do they expect it and order more than usual on the basis that you will pay?

Say no.

It's really that simple.

We've been in your position and we say no. We are there for emergencies and will help where it's needed (paid for DN driving lessons and some debt for my DM) but we are not a pushover. Just set your boundary, tell them and then stick with it.

Your second post OP is absolutely fucking outrageous. The gracious thing to do would be prior to the next event tell everyone outright that you picked up the tab last time and don’t expect to do so again.

Its hard though not to have a little revenge in which case if this happens again I’d be tempted to let everyone eat and drink and have a merry time and then look at your watch and say you have to dash and as you got the bill last time it’s their turn. And then just leave. Or alternatively discretely pay your share and then just duck out.

You don’t need to go as far as cutting all ties (pretty extreme even if they are taking the P) but you could speak to your family and make it clear this is unacceptable and you are not responsible for paying for them.

Your mortgage advisor is in breach of GDPR as you know, so it's him you need to direct your ire at. Your family are being ridiculous too, expecting you to foot the bill for everything.

Who are the family members? Are we talking parents here? Surely you can discuss this with them