Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Or say, "Who is paying this time? I have paid the last x times"
And if someone says op, then:
"I don't think so, I have paid the last x number of times. I am not paying more than our share". Have cash, put it on the table, and leave.

God that's shocking! I'd have said 'ha ha you must be joking, have you seen the size of our mortgage...????' - and just paid for our own. Let them stew. I can't believe you just bowed down and paid for them all..........😮

Haven't read beyond the first couple of posts but is this actually true?

Why did you use a family member as a mortgage advisor if you didn't want anyone in your family to know your salary?

Why didn't you report him/her?

Would your family not have an idea of your income based on your occupation? Very few people earn 100k p/a so you're not in an unskilled or semi-skilled role.

If you both have the wherewithal to earn 100k each surely you both can figure out how to deal with this and how to say no to your family?

It sounds like bullshit to me.

So you both said nothing but paid the bill? What roles attract a salary of 100k and are suitable for meek pushovers?

🤣

I mean, you are definitely both high earners, of course you are, but that doesn't mean you should pay. It's really quite awful and bizarre that the family are conspiring to pressurise you to pay. Be very firm about this next time, and if anything kicks off, tell them it's the last time you will join them for that kind of event.

@InterIgnis Mumsnet has hundreds of thousands of users from all walks of life, it isn’t the sole preserve of those that on the breadline.

Do you browse this website at all? It seems to solely belong to people who earn colossal salaries (such as OP) and who think that a typical £30k salary is poverty.

I’d go so far as the next time you’re all out for a meal and they pull that shite, say “sorry, but we can only pay for ourselves.”
Then leave enough for your two meals and wish everyone a safe trip home — then get the fuck out before they have a chance to say anything.
Some people don’t learn unless you drop the cheque in their laps.
And don’t look back.
Seriously, @Spotlightdeck— you need to take matters into your own hands.
People will only treat you as poorly as you allow them to.

At times when I've had a higher income I was very inclined to treat close family members, BUT that would be me inviting them out and making it clear I'd be paying. To be railroaded into it!! well that (to my mind) is quite another matter and I would back away very quickly.
Not sure if I actually would humiliate them by putting them on the spot- I hope I'd try harder to stay on the moral high ground, but no-one has ever tested me so who knows🤷🏼‍♀️

I'd make it clear BEFORE you next go out to dinner that you aren't paying it.

At the first suggestion of a meal - how is the bill getting split? or "we paid last time, who's paying this time" - nobody will have the balls to say 'we thought you were treating us'

I still don't think it was the Mortgage guy who spilt the beans. He knows its more than his jobs worth.
I still think someone has clocked the house price or other stuff like (flash cars, jewellery, holidays etc).

Do the rest of the family even own houses?

No it doesn't.

@PreesHeath of course it’s nice to treat people from time to time. But completely unacceptable to take it for granted, make snide remarks etc and invite @Spotlightdeck out for dinner, stuff your face extravagantly and then give them the bill! They are ultimate CFs. I love treating my family but any of this grabby behaviour (not to mention breach of confidential data) and that would be it!

I still can't believe the number of people saying report - where is the evidence that he blabbed?

Lots of things give away that someone is on a completely different income bracket.

It’s inferred in the OP, who presumably knows what she’s talking about. If the advisor did share it, they need to be reported.

“A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.”

Sadly, as soon as money comes into the equation any semblance of family loyalty, love or anything else goes out of the window. Only you know how much you love and want to continue having these family members in your life. If they have been taking the piss for too long and you've had enough of them freeloading tell them that's the end of your socializing. If you love them enough to want to continue on good terms you need to speak to them about it in a reasonable way, before your next dinner. If this has happened multiple times the rest of them may presume you are happy to pay if you have never said anything to the contrary.

With regard to the family member/mortgage advisor, make an appointment to see them professionally and ask if they know how or why other members of the family appear to know about your salaries and other financial situations. You may well be able to tell if they have been indiscrete by their reactions to your questions.

Don't go in to any situation all guns blazing. You may have overthought the whole thing and got the wrong end of the stick. Hopefully you have, but if not, give the others the chance to explain themselves before you make a decision you may regret in the future.

Whatever you decide to do, do it in a calm way and don't throw around any accusations that can't be substantiated.

Your relatives are entitled vultures, make ot clear you are not paying for meals anymore, and you will not be helping relatives out financially.
Your family have no shame.

Very difficult thing to prove.
A professional body isn't going to do anything without evidence.

We stopped going out with DH's family for this reason - they don't know our salaries, but assume we're rolling in it. We did treat his parents every now and then, but then they started being rude. If we have to go out with them now, we go to a setting where you have to go up to order and pay for your own food. Had the same thing we were out with his whole family and they gave him the bill, walked and laughed saying DH and I would cover it. Leaving us and our kids sitting there with the bill. They stopped even saying thank you and became expected - so we put our foot down and first few times you could tell they expected us to order and pay for them but soon got the hint.

Where is this communist state that you are your family come from? Wierd. F**k the lot of them. I’m sure yourself and your partner worked hard to get in the position you are. Time for the grabby vultures to do the same. Some family - they should be happy for and proud of you not seeing what they can get out of you!

The fact this seems to be so common is disgusting. I'd rather eat nothing than order more than I could afford and shove someone else the bill. No wonder greed is one of the deadly sins.

@unkownone See that's my point. Family don't need to know salaries to assume your rolling in it.
The new address, size of house, lifestyle, job titles, probably leads to the assumption.

Op (and loads of posters) are being very unfair to assume the mortgage advisor discussed this information. And I don't see how he could be reported without evidence.

It's weird how some people's attitudes change when they are in the company of people they perceive as rich. I have a mate who is an actual retired millionaire. He started a company in his 20s, sold it in his early 50s and took early retirement. Outwardly he is not some flash harry bombing around in a supercar, just a nice regular guy who as far as I can see is no different in his outlook and moral framework from the guy I knew at uni. He is constantly having the piss taken out of him by what I call acquaintances, not close friends, people who are guided by the philosophy of 'he can afford it' or 'he won't notice' when they put silly drinks on bar tabs or not pay their way in restaurants or other social events. He has whittled most of them away but it is weird when people who should know better behave like parasites.

We've had this - think it started when dh took a job with a Government dept that published all salaries over £140k. We live in an expensive area (big mortgage) - we have a nice life but when sil thought we should be handing over a large sum of money to pay off her mortgage, we honestly didn't have it, nevermind it has affected our relationship - she still tries to spend our money, has all these ideas about what should be done to help family members, does all the research - but has no funds, it's clear she thinks we should be our own little levelling up dept.

We've had this to some extent. The outcome, after decades of it, is that we are no where near as generous as we used to be and feel like we've lost family. I don't think is purely to do with the money - it is has just one of the things that brought out their toxic/dark side (many traits of covert narcissism). They CAN afford to pay their way and have a comfortable life.

We used to go out for family meals regularly our birthdays/their birthdays and pay - that slipped very quickly into being expected to pay, and then into entitlement. The final nail in the coffin for meals out was when they started behaving awfully - clicking fingers at waiting staff and being pompous. Many stories behind this summary, of course...

Avoid meals out/make it clear bill is being split before you go.

I feel like we are getting sidetracked here, but it's nearly 10k a month net! That is objectively a lot of money. It's not about individual frames of reference, it's about the fact that 10k a month is a LOT of money.

Still doesn't mean they have to spend it on others of course, but if I were so fortunate I would want to bless others.

However I have said the others shouldn't expect it and they are definitely taking the piss. Like I said, everyone sucks here in my opinion.