Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

And that in itself is a funny attitude. Dh's sister assumed he was a complete arse because he was a high earner - apparently, all people who earn a high salary must be happy to walk all over people, shout and sack anyone who crosses them. It simply isn't true.
When I finally stood up to my family over money I lost them - I think I knew that was going to happen and so I said nothing and paid out every time - it was painful at the time but on reflection, it was no great loss - deep down I knew my family would not react well to a no and it was a hard thing to face.

’Objective’ judgements aren’t relevant when OP is talking about her subjective one within the context of her own life, her expenses, and her goals. Is it a lot more than the average? Yes. Does it allow OP to play lady bountiful and not consider what is being spent? No.

Would you really want to ‘bless’ others that resented you? That didn’t in fact appreciate it as you ‘blessing’ them, but expected it as their due? I think anyone that would to be an absolute fucking mug tbh, but to each their own.

It might be inferred but where is her evidence?
The size and location of the house probably says it all. Job titles. Lifestyle.

She's blaming him but I doubt he would put his career at risk for a bit of gossip.

Why did you pay for everyone??? I'd have just laughed and told them to jog on! Bizarre.

There's a lot of middle ground between being a pushover and a complete arse. I would expect someone earning 100k p/a to be educated and assertive, it's possible to be assertive, yet polite.

Yet, according to the OP, there are 2 people earning that amount and neither can figure out how to deal with this or say no.

Why does ‘everyone suck’ in this story? The OP and her DH legally earn their money. You have no idea what their outgoings are.

There’s also another PP blathering on about people on £30k. It’s irrelevant and I’m certain they would be the type to expect higher earners to subsidise their evenings out.

The jealousy some people have is disgusting.

It’s trickier when it’s family- with neighbours, acquaintances, even friends it’s easier to say bye and not look back but cutting ties or making things extremely awkward with family isn’t easy!!!

All you have to do is say you won't be paying for everyone's meals and drinks. Do that the first time and nip it in the bud. If you start a precedent you make it harder, but it can still be done.

If family fall out with you over a meal and drinks they didn't care about you anyway.

That still doesn't change one fact - how do such high earners not know how to deal with this?

Some do, some don’t. Same as lower earners. I’ve known confident and assertive people have a complete personality transplant when in the presence of family members, having been conditioned to accept that dynamic.

There is a world of difference between taking someone out and "treating them" for their birthday/anniversary etc. and being expected to pay for everything and everyone all the time.

The size of their salary is irrelevant. Just because you perceive someone to have that sort of income doesn't mean they have to spend it on you. They may have financial commitments that are unknown to anyone else. They may support different charities/sponsor animals and or children, have a massive mortgage and household overheads, be paying off student debts etc. etc. Presumably they didn't get these highly paid jobs by accident and had to work and study hard to do so.

Personally, I find it embarrassing if someone tries to grab the bill and pay it every time, so to force someone to do so would be unconscionable.

Report the mortgage advisor, don't go to anything with the family members , none of my family members are aware of money in or out of my household. They wouldn't behave like this if they did but may make remarks on stuff we do .just because you earn well doesn't make you responsible for everyone .

It is bizarre behaviour from the family. Is it possible to not catch up with everyone at once and just see one or two at a time every few weeks? Meet up for a coffee and cake only or invite them around for tea? Maybe if there’s less in the group and a low-cost activity you won’t be stuck paying a huge bill.

This is how I would handle it. I wouldn't say anything but I would do this.

Make sure you and your partner order last.
and before you order, ask the waiter to open a separate bill for the both of you.

Before the end of the meal, pretend to go the toilet, and settle your bill and keep the receipt.

When the main bill comes, it won't come to you because you paid already.
While they are all looking at you, tell them you've paid for your share already. Your food is not on their bill. Then you can up and leave. "lovely meal, take care everyone, we must do this again."

We've had this - think it started when dh took a job with a Government dept that published all salaries over £140k. We live in an expensive area (big mortgage) - we have a nice life but when sil thought we should be handing over a large sum of money to pay off her mortgage, we honestly didn't have it, nevermind it has affected our relationship

OMG, your SIL seriously thought you should pay off her mortgage?? Insane!!!

Your assumption about someone earning over 100k being educated, assertive etc is fine but it doesn't take account of just how unreasonable the other parties might be.

I've known people totally fall out with friends for no reason when they've found out how much they earn. They've got a massive inferiority complex and that the friend who was previously liked and taking a completely different attitude to them purely on the basis of salary. It was a male competitive thing and it upset the perceived pecking order (higher earner was 10 years younger and just bought a bigger house).

Yes and when we said no - she huffed for a couple of years! We were assertive over a large sum of money and it resulted in a lot of unpleasantness that we could've lived without (whether we are well off or not we found it upsetting) - not sure we'd have been so firm on paying for a dinner and after standing my ground with my family (eventually after putting up with too much) I lost contact with my siblings - so I totally get the OP and her dh being reluctant to stand their ground - it feels like a small thing to fall out over but when it continues you have no choice - but ultimately you pay a big price. Family dynamics can be very toxic.

I think this is a spiteful, jealous thing to do - I would take some time and distance myself from this toxic relationship - nothing to be gained from continuing it.

After your 2nd post @Spotlightdeck I think it is really sad that your family obviously discussed between them that you would be left to pay. Proof is them all ordering 4 courses. Someone proposed the meal, chose the restaurant, invited you, all the time knowing that you would be tricked/pressured/embarrassed into funding their night out.
I wouldn't blame you at all for going lc. I do hope you pay for your own bill at the bar in future. Then sit back and watch them scramble as it dawns on them all that they have to pay for their large meal.

It is a very difficult and complex dynamic. There's almost guilt at having achieved a level of financial security unthinkable for family/some friends that is similar to survivors guilt. My DH was a free school meal kid living in a council house who worked his way up from nothing and has had an amazing career. He never brags or discusses money but he has had this from family and friends ranging from expectations to bail family members out of significant debt (when we had our own family responsibilities) to many, many times where he has settled huge bills for meals/bar tabs. There is almost a level of entitlement that is so distasteful, it's just assumed because he has money it's their right to take advantage. DH is sanguine and very generous - he loves his family. It's me that gets pissed off.

After pulling a stunt like that they richly deserve to be humiliated.

I don't think it is on. Although a collective salary off 200k is high, even for London, you should be able to enjoy a meal out without the financial pressure.

Do any of them own their home outright? In theory they do have money and it's just tied up in assets. They can't plead poverty then. Money isn't straightforward anymore. An average salary doesn't go very far and a lot of people on paper look like they have good salaries, but haven't managed to get on the housing ladder yet, unlike their parents on lower salaries woth a mortgage paid off.

My brother is on a lot of money and he likes to pay a lot, but we all chip in for meals and Christmas.

I just don't understand how you went to an expensive restaurant with people who clearly couldn't afford it, watched them order starters and mains without raising the question of cost, watched them order a lot of alcohol without saying something about the cost and then watched them order desserts and whatever without raising the issue of the cost.

If they would normally just have a main, why didn't you say when they ordered starters "Have you lot come into some money?" When they ordered bottles of wine why didn't you say, "Have you seen the price of a bottle here?"

If they always expect you to pay, why do you continue to go out for a meal with them?

It wasn’t arranged by OP - she said in her second post. She likely would expect those inviting her to be able to afford it, given that they chose it.

It doesn’t sound like she will be going out for meals with them again.

Good of you to be generous with other people's money there - don't you agree that being "treated" shouldn't be assumed by anyone and these family members were astonishingly rude and entitled to have expected their meals would be paid for?