Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Do you need to go back to your small town so often?
Do you stay with family? If so you could treat them occasionally.
Or if you stay in a hotel don't feel obliged.

.Did your parents or siblings subsidised you during studies or early career? Maybe they feel you are indebted to them.

Start using split the bill function at meals out.
Buy the first round but don't buy another until others do.

Hint that your jobs are insecure.

Tell your parents you are unhappy that your cousin broke the law and exaggerated your salaries!!
You could say this infront of other members of the family.
Reduce your trips to see people

Tell your family that your husband has a serious gambling addiction (or another outrageous tall tale) and that you are now stoney broke!

Keep your cash AND your family and get them to return a few favours to boot!

Part of it is luck , part of it is choices made and part of it does come down to hard work..
please don’t devalue others’ financial success by saying it’s ‘often’ dependent on nepotism and cronyism,. it’s poisonous too as it’s a hugely defeatist attitude - “what’s the point of trying since you won’t get there without cronies or relatives on high places”

YANBU at them expecting you to pay but yabu to think you aren't rolling in it, you are! 200k and no kids is a huge amount of money. And to be honest, I'm surprised you don't want to pay if your family are on much lower salaries and likely struggling to pay bills.
But they have been cheeky nonetheless so ESH.

I once saw a TV show about Kenny Everett (remember him?) and he said that once he became famous, friends, acquaintances and assorted hangers-on would come up and say "Oooh, let's go to Barbados - oh, and you're paying".

This is awful. Yes you have a good income but you EARNED it. It wasn't given to you for doing nothing! Your family have an awful cheek! I have a couple of relatives who are also very well off, but like you, they have worked really hard for it. There is no way that the rest of our family would expect them to pay for everything when we go out.

George Michael said one of the saddest things about his success was that no-one else ever paid for dinner,

Aww poor George. I’d gladly treat him to lunch as long as he accepted my budget stretches to Wetherspoons but not The Ivy.

Jesus fucking Christ, this isn’t about you! You’re trying to hijack someone else’s thread to bang on about your own obvious distaste and of those you deem to be rich.

Mumsnet has hundreds of thousands of users from all walks of life, it isn’t the sole preserve of those that on the breadline. Not every thread about money has to revolve around those with less, and not everyone has to want a utilitarian lifestyle where they only have the basics. OP and her partner quite reasonably want to have the comfortable lifestyle their wages afford them. That means they’ll have expenses, whether you personally approve of them or not.

What isn’t reasonable is OP’s family treating her with disdain and expecting her to pay for them. I notice you haven’t even bothered to address what the actual thread is about.

‘Huge’ is relative. Why would she want to pay for people that don’t even seem to like her?

I would send a text to all of them (in a group chat if you can) and outline you will not be paying for family meals or anything else going forward. Your wages are your business not theirs. If you both lost your jobs tomorrow would they help in paying your bills? Doubtful.

Definitely report the mortgage adviser, that is a huge GDPR breach.

This and reporting the twat.

Wow, terrible behaviour! What a bunch of chancers.

I'd be tempted to "do a runner" and just pay for what you had on the way out 😂.

200k is huge by pretty much any ordinary standards! Let's not pretend otherwise.

Call them out on it. Ask them how they know how you're rolling in it (even though you know already). Either they'll own up and name the mortgage advisor or they'll look sheepish and say something cagey like, "Oh a little bird told me". I'd follow that up by saying that your salary is your own business and you've no intention of paying for anyone else's meal.

Treating others is all well and good but that should be optional.

Maybe say we can't afford to come out for a meal due to getting a totally s* mortgage deal but you are welcome to come to our house for a cup of tea whenever you want.
In all seriousness just don't go out for meals. Meet them for things that don't cost money or not at all.

Who is pretending? OP and her partner have their own frame of reference, their own expenses, any their own goals. it doesn’t matter if someone else considers themselves comfortable on £30k and £200k is huge - that doesn’t mean OP has to.

Definitely report the person who shared your financial details with the rest of the family.

Also make it clear that you're not a walking meal ticket and that you expect to split the bill when you go out.

There's nothing wrong with treating your family from time to time if you're in a position to - but it's 100% up to you, and not for your family to assume/expect.

Cut the fucking lot.

I did it with my sister 21 years ago and have never regretted it.

More difficult if you’re from a larger family, but nevertheless, cut them.

Agreed.

Also agreed.

This! With bells on! 👏👏

But why should you have to do that? You should be able to shout about your success from the rooftops - safe in the knowledge that those who love you will be pleased for you.

I don’t understand with so many comments saying cut them all off. For me ita not easy to cUt my family. Because i love them.

i’m in the same situation as you. I’m the high earner and i always pay. Not because they know how much i make but just because i want to. For me its not a big deal. Its not every week anyway.

I would be inclined to approach this individual too. Let them sort out their mess.

Oh god that happened to me once when I was too young to know how to react so I ended up paying and then crying all the way home as it was far more than I could afford. I hope you just paid for your food and drinks or an equal division between all the people there and let the rest of them sort it out.