Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

My sil (dh's sister) is like this. We were away skiing once (paid for by us) and she sat down with her adult dd in the most expensive restaurant on the mountains and ordered the whole menu with champagne. When it came to pay she said "Omg I need to be rescued!" She called dh who was on the other side of the mountain so couldn't come, she then called her ds who bailed them out.

Nothing has changed, dh is kind and generous and she pulls at his heartstrings. We have separate accounts so it's up to him but it actually puts me off seeing her.

Move, change mortgage broker and never pay for anyone again. Choose to eat at modest, low cost establishments when eating out when you visit each year.

@PreesHeath I think it's nice to treat your family if you can Do the less well-off members of the family - help out with childcare or cut the grass if they have spare time but not spare money? Do the well-off members of the family not deserve a treat too?

Good of you to be generous with other people's money there - don't you agree that being "treated" shouldn't be assumed by anyone and these family members were astonishingly rude and entitled to have expected their meals would be paid for?

They do seem quite entitled, yes. But it's worth having a conversation before getting angry about it. I don't understand the extent of rage and outrage expressed on this thread (no comment on the OP who has explained her feelings in an understandable way - it's more the responses that I fund surprising in their vehemence)

help out with childcare or cut the grass if they have spare time but not spare money?

Not really - people lead busy lives, and we don't see each other that often. I just don't recognise these family dynamics from my own family though. People seem very hung up about not being taken advantage of - my point is that most people give or take depending on their circumstances and different points in their lives. If someone feels that they are being treated unfairly, then have a conversation first rather than ending the relationship. Why fall out with people especially family before you give them a chance to put things right? I'd be mortified if a family member thought I was taking advantage of them - I'd want to know.

I had a similar type thing with my (ex)sister regarding entitlement. When my Dad was alive he used to help out her and her husband regularly. When he died I told her that would stop as my Mum and I did not have the money to pay for their stuff as well. I lived with my parents to look after them and I also had a full time job. My SS (shitty sister) and her husband both worked full time. I suggested they might try tapping up his parents for money, but they claimed they didn't have any. His parents lived in a council house (all bills etc paid for) and both had good occupational pensions. They had more disposable income than we did. I eventually had to give up my job to look after my Mum for the last 15 years of her life and still they wanted money - "you can sell some shares" was one option put to us. There were very few and only worth a couple of grand. Because we lived in a relatively large 4 bed house it was assumed (wrongly) that we had pots of dosh. We were in the classic house rich, cash poor situation.

After Mum died I became very ill and ended up in hospital (3 months) and a care home. I couldn't sit up, never mind walk, but they wouldn't wait for me to recover enough to go to the house and retrieve my belongings. When I asked why, SS said "it's my money and I want it NOW" meaning the sale of the house. I ended up with my record and CD collection sans record player and a few pictures which a couple of my friends were able to get for me before my (now ex) cousin got a house clearance company in to empty the house.

It doesn't matter how much, or little, money you have there is always someone who wants some or all of it. My SS got half of everything, house, shares etc even though she contributed fuck all. I bought the new kitchen appliances and TV when they went kaput and any other things that needed replacing or buying to make things easier for Mum but I expect they are all at the bottom of a landfill now along with 99.9% of all my personal possessions. No great intrinsic value but irreplaceable sentimentally.

I took extreme steps to distance myself from my family and moved 250+ miles away to start my new life. I wouldn't recommend it to everyone otherwise the extremities of the country would get a bit crowded. The good thing is they don't even know I've left the care home, much less where I am now.

You have to decide whether you want a relationship with these members of your family or are happy to cut them off. That will determine your next course of action - either tell them to go to Hell or discuss the situation in a calm way and let them know you won't be bank rolling their social lives any longer.

Say you're not paying, keep saying it if you have to. It's not difficult.

Of course it's not so difficult to say no over and over again (it can get embarrassing though) - the outcome can be very difficult - my sister stopped speaking to me when I refused to fund a financial decision she took that went wrong - I know I was right but losing my sister over it was difficult and hurtful. Dh's sister didn't speak to him for two years after he refused to pay off her mortgage. It would be nice to think there are no repercussions to saying no but there often is and that's whats difficult.

People that cut you off over money aren't worth having in your life. Familial bonds and love shouldn't be dependent on money, and no one should be used as a cash cow.

I agree but it's still difficult to say "no" knowing that you might as well be saying fuck off to hell and back. And whilst I might not have wanted to live in my sibling's pockets - I didn't want to go "no contact" and be left in a situation where I'm not sure whether my elderly mother is living or dead when she doesn't answer the phone because my sibling won't tell me (I live in a different country). To come home to visit her in hospital and find my sibling has hidden the house key and I have to stay in a hotel.
So yes it was difficult to say no and it continues to be difficult. You tend to find when people behave badly - it's not isolated behaviour.

Oh, THAT is very bad behaviour. Next time, look innocent & refuse to pay ... How are they going to force you?

I've not rtft.

Personally, I wouldn't report the broker. I think what the broker did was appalling, but doing so could sour family relations even further.

From now on, I'd only accept certain invites (e.g. a family barbecue but not something like a meal at a restaurant, where you'd be expected to cover the entire cost). If anyone mentions anything, I'd say being asked to foot the entire bill makes you feel uncomfortable.

Did the Op come back?

I would refuse any invites to restaurants where you don’t just go up and order your own food.

Who does the inviting for family get togethers?

Tell them you have a gambling problem/ made bad financial choices/ had pay cut/back tax/some better excuse ad you are paying it back.
Avoid going out with them involving shared finances and try to be downbeat for a while, they'll get over it.
Have a word with the mortgage advisor who dropped you in it about gdpr and get them to help you out here or else.

NOT this. By lying you would just make an already bad situation worse and do you even know it was the mortgage advisor, or do you just assume it is?

The fact that you go to social events with these family members suggests that you want them in your life, so don't do anything to alienate them but you do need to tell them straight that you won't be paying for everyone in future. To make sure, don't take your credit/debit cards next time, just enough cash for you and your partner. To make it easier get each couple or individual family to have separate bills, so everyone will just order what they want and can afford. You might end up going to less expensive restaurants. If you feel bad about this you could always pay for a couple of bottles of wine, but gauge the feeling in the room, or someone might take this as a sign that you will pay for everything.

Unless you nip this in the bud now, how long will this situation go on. Do you really want to be paying for them all when you are in your dotage and by that time it will include their children and grandchildren as well. Enough is enough and regardless of whether you can afford to it is still taking the piss for the rest of your family to expect you to do so.

As for the mortgage advisor, arrange a meeting with them and ask if they have any clues how everyone else seems to know about your financial affairs. It may be guess work on someone else's part based on your house, where you work and general lifestyle and absolutely nothing to do with this person. If you have moved to a big house in a good area, drive a new and expensive car, go on lavish holidays and are on social media showing off all your latest purchases it would be fairly obvious to anyone you are not on minimum wage and relying on food banks. If, however, you are still living a relatively normal life then maybe they have been indiscrete and told someone, who told another etc.

Always best to keep friends and family separate from financial affairs. 3 things guaranteed to cause rifts are money, religion and politics, so unless your siblings are the Governor of the Bank of England, Archbishop of Canterbury and Prime Minister it would be best to deal with other, non-related, professionals next time.

Good luck.

Why on earth would you put up with that though? I get not making a scene in a restaurant but did you say anything at the time?

I wouldn’t be talking to these people again, for a while anyway. The amount of posts advising to cut them off is bonkers though! Is that the fashion these days?

As soon as you have any money, the world and his dog think they are entitled to some of it.

This - Old friend of mine set up his own company, we are now all in our late 60's, he's sold it for a good few million. Saw him recently as his DPs live near me and I've stayed friends with them as they were friends of my DPs, doing the odd hospital run etc. He said I'd be amazed at how many of his "old friends" have suddenly got back in touch with "ideas".

Some people are just greedy

That's disgusting and a breach of confidentiality and although you probably wouldn't, you have every right to report it.

So because you've made something of your life instead of staying in the same town and same jobs, you're expected to pay for their laziness and lack of drive? No way would I be doing that - I'd be stopping speaking to them until they grew up.

I'm guessing the 5% who voted yabu are the same spongers as in your family.

I'm so sorry that you're having to put up with it - just don't be guilt tripped, everyone has the same chance in life.

Not speaking to them for a while is the same as cutting them off 🤦🏻‍♀️

Please tell me you didn't pay?

Wow! That's awful, it's insane that people think this way! My sister earns like 5× as much as me, why? Coz she absolutely worked her ass off to get where she is! People seem to forget that, someone just doesn't fall in to a high paid job. Screw them, report the mortgage adviser coz I'm sure that's not allowed and decline any invites from them. They suck tbh!

Hahah. What a rediculous thing to say. Then, I cut friends and family off once a month atleast. Now I know why it’s so common! 😂

@Spotlightdeck you should go the next time, but get a friend to phone about an emergency about an hour and a half in and say you urgently have to leave! tell them you will pay your bill on the way out! just leave them to it! let them sort out the rest themselves and serve them right! I know a few people who do this!!

When my partner and I had our business and started to do well we had the same, mentions of relatives who needed stuff I asked the person calling about it (generally mum) if they were going to help auntie etc. I do remb one time specifically my dad had hurt his hand and could not wash the windows. As I was leaving I suggested I get their windows done (window cleaner was over the road) and my mum said no thats too much if your sure. I pointed out its only about £15 her mouth dropped she thought I was paying for her to have all the windows replaced in the house. Despite endless holidays paid for, computers and hire cars they still wanted more so I started to withdraw and put up a boundary they didn't like it I just laughed off their jokes/sarky comments. I suggest you remember who helped you before you had money and the friends you had then are the real ones. Sadly money does bring out the ugly in people.

Your mortgage Advisor needs reporting as they broke confidentiality and let them know that you are unhappy about it.

tell your family no more meals out on you. So disrespectful.