To be hurt my parents have disinherited me?

[Plantbasedpeanuts]

They hate my husband and so they’ve cut me out of their will and left everything to my dc.
I know logically it is their choice and it was previously split 25% each between me and my three dc but now they’ve taken me out entirely - even sentimental things like my mum’s jewellery will now go to my dd.
Im so hurt by this. Logically I completely understand it’s their money and their belongings and I don’t want to be grabby but I’ve always been close to my parents and this is really hurtful. DH is my dc’s dad, just to make that clear too.
Aibu?

This is simply not true. Sounds like you have been gaslit into thinking this is acceptable behaviour from a man.

After reading your updates it does sound like your parents are trying to control you and in all honestly they aren't making much sense. Cut you out because they don't like your DH but don't want you to leave him. Do they enjoy hurting you? I'd take the power away from them, tell them that it is fair enough they can do what they want. Then distance yourself from them. They've cut you out of their will, so cut out time and energy spent on them. Put the time you would normal soend on them to good use, a hobby, friends, earning your own money or bettering your career. Make it a conscious decision to do it, a silent up yours.

A lot of silly men come here and say silly man-things but this takes the biscuit .
Do better , Dan .

Yes that's what I was thinking. Why are you staying to please them when they have disinherited you already?
DH sounds wealthy and u have children so it's sounds like you wouldnt be out on the street.
Just thoughts...

That comment made me really sad and a bit angry on your behalf because it reminds me of when women decades ago used to say “well at least he doesn’t hit me” like that’s the most they could expect or deserve. There is an awful lot to unpack here. For a start, it sounds like your parents are very judgemental and controlling. The fact that you mention your brother dying when you were little only in response to a question, and that you haven’t said much about your historical relationship with your parents, makes me wonder if they processed their feelings about your brother’s death by taking it out on you emotionally but you’ve never quite acknowledged that. They sound pretty toxic and probably left you with low esteem and a tendency to blame yourself for stuff. I don’t see why else you would stay in an unhappy marriage just to please them especially when it sounds like they have very little regard for your feelings. If you’ve never had any form of therapy to work through this stuff I would highly recommend that you do. It know it wouldn’t help help your situation with the inheritance but I’m seeing that as a symptom of a much bigger issue, and talking it through could help you to build the confidence and strength you need to stand up for yourself.

You read his whole thing AND understood it? It looked like it was written by Yoda and I gave up at “deffinetley”!

Oh @DanAugustin

You’re just a bit thick, aren’t you?

This is what I was thinking. My mother raised me to have no visible reaction to her hurting me, and then later she judged me for ending up with the man who is the father of my children. I was perfect for him, as I hadn't been raised to advocate for myself and he wanted a doormat. I left eventually. My parents also prefer my kids to me, but they were raised by me.

No issue at all with it going straight to your kids. We're supposed to pass it on.

You seem surrounded by awful people and have no allies. I'm sorry for you in that regard.

Why don't you distance yourself from your parents? Talking with them every day is full on. Since they won't support and help you, cut down the visits to once a monthy and use the energy you spend on them to get yourself in a better place so that you can leave your husband. Do you have a career, savings, anything like that in place?

Logically I completely understand it’s their money and their belongings and I don’t want to be grabby but I’ve always been close to my parents and this is really hurtful. DH is my dc’s dad, just to make that clear too.
Aibu?

In the first place, it's usually good tax advice to leave inherited wealth down a generation because otherwise it's taxed twice at 40% if it's a substantial sum - first taxation to child, then second taxation when child dies and leaves it to the grandchildren.

second to help you understand their thinking, I am in a similar position with a sibling (I'm not married and have no kids). I've worked hard all my life and my assets are all I have to show for that hard work. My sibling who I love very much has not worked hard and married someone who I absolutely hate deeplly. I think they hurt and abuse my sibling and treat them badly. My sibling has near stokholm syndrome about their spouse. they will never leave them even though their life, personality and whole well being has been shredded by this person. spouse ruined my siblings relationship with me, our other sibling and our parents.

Over my dead body will I risk any penny of mine being in the hands of this spouse. The thought of them enjoying themself with the money I have worked hard for when I hate them so much makes me feel physically sick.

I still love my sibling but I am leaving my money next generation down in trust so that the person I hate can't get their hands on it.

You shouldn't feel hurt because it isn't about you at all. It's about your husband. It was your choice to marry someone they hated and usually families (loving families I mean) hating a spouse is because they care for you and know this person will cause you pain and life difficulty. This is part of the fall out of these decisions.

They probably feel like I do about my siblings spouse. No way would you let money fall into their hands. They know, as I do, leave it to you even with conditions, your husband would get to enjoy it and they don't want that.

Sorry you are in this situation.

My mum has disinherited me aswell, she has split her home and any savings 50/50 between my DS and DB. At least my DS won't have the financial struggle that I've had and that's a really good thing.

Agreed

Yes indeed .
OP , how's things now ? Are you formulating an action plan ?
(N.B. Do not pay any attention to anything that Dan has written , or thought . There is something wrong with him .)

your marriage or divorce is not your parents decision. Fgs, do not stay in a marriage because you’re afraid of your parents. What’s the worst they’ll do? Cut you out the will- well that ship just sailed.

yes. They’ll be upset. but are they really going to choose to reject you and cut you off , and loose contact with their only surviving child and grandchildren , in their 70s? If they’re prepared to do that more fool them and they’re putting a moral principle above their win happiness, and yours. Selfish buggers.

rrwlly, you need to make a decision. If you’re thinking of divorce,it’ll take a bloody miracle or some very expensive and serious therapy to change that in the course of time. So, financially , you’re better off biting the bullet now re divorce, you’ll take an immediate hit, we all do, but you’ll still have rest of your working life to recover. Also gives the parents time to come to terms with that sooner rather than later, when they have more to “loose” such as access through you to their gc if they do a selfish stupid rejection/nc thingy. If your kids are 18 they’ll have more access not through you and they can use the will as emotional blackmail with those kids. Shit thing to do, but they seem that cntrolling aboutbyour choices do it.

Don’t argue with them on their will. Yep it’s very understandable to feel very upset, especially, frankly over personal stuff like jewellery which unless it’s diamonds and tiffanies is unlikely to be seen as asset in a divorce your husband can take. Leave that conversation alone

makecyour decision about your marriage, independently. Now. Remember they won’t be around to give you a medal staying in an unhappy marriage till you are 70, wondering where your life went.

You’re not unreasonable to feel hurt.
but they don’t like your husband and clearly don’t want him to benefit from their money which is fair enough.
My parents don’t get on with two of their children’s partners (married) and I must admit I’ve encouraged them to do what your parents have… In your shoes I’d be upset but pleased it was going to my children, they will need the money to set up their lives, buy houses etc….

That’s just awful. It’s so upsetting and I know how it feels. My dad has 2 dc’s with second wife and they are always put first and have done well financially out of them and got their cars when they were getting new ones. I need to have a dreaded conversation with dad because I don’t want my dc’s to feel the same way as I do - second best. Why do they hate your dh?!

Knowing a very unpleasant person who stays married for her husbands inheritance I do understand your parents decision. Does he know he's not getting the money yet? Maybe it's not a test for you, but for him

@eggplant16 my comment about £250k not being much was in the context of how much it costs for elder care nowadays.

A live-in carer for a relative was £1750 per week, plus they still needed a cleaner and gardener, still had council tax, food and bills to pay for each month etc, so at that stage it was around £8k per month.

Yes, that's in the south east where things are generally more expensive and yes it would have been cheaper to use a care home, but when the person still has mental capacity, they make decisions about their own life, as they should.

In that situation, £250k would be spent in little over two & a half yrs.

I genuinely think there's no point assuming you're going to get any inheritance, because that person might outlive you, or spend all their money when they're alive.

My Dad did this, cut me and my brother our of his will, left 15% to my two kids and the rest to his new wife and stepchildren. But that's because he was a complete arsehole and a Grade A Cnut. Live your own life, do what you believe is right, stop being so available to them, let them reap what they sow. Nothing x nothing is nothing - it works both ways.

Sounds like you want the money from your parents to free you from your husband.

How about doing something independently instead of waiting for others to help you out all the time ?

Wow. Did you forgot your empathy pill today?!

The OP has clearly been bullied and brainwashed by her parents to the point where staying with an arsehole husband she doesnt want to be with is better than upsetting them. Thats the job they have done on her.

So can you blame her for wanting their money?! Its their treatment of her that has led her to stay in a miserable marriage to the point where she thinks that they only way she can leave is when they die so that a) she no longer has their disapproval and b) she can afford to leave. The fact that they are clearly cruel unloving people who have weaponised this inheritance to punish her is something that OP is only just beginning to see.

Maybe try understanding before judging.

In a divorce he wouldn’t get half of her inheritance as inheritance is not classed as family money but belongs to the individual who inherited it.

You said you want to leave him- why can’t you? its your life.
Are your parents expecting you to do care duties? Are you working?
If your DH is very wealthy, are you not financially secure?

This happened to me as my dad didn’t like my husband. It still hurts me years later but I would always have used it to benefit my kids so I rose above it
needless to say I feel nothing for my father now and never visit his grave