To be hurt my parents have disinherited me?

[Plantbasedpeanuts]

They hate my husband and so they’ve cut me out of their will and left everything to my dc.
I know logically it is their choice and it was previously split 25% each between me and my three dc but now they’ve taken me out entirely - even sentimental things like my mum’s jewellery will now go to my dd.
Im so hurt by this. Logically I completely understand it’s their money and their belongings and I don’t want to be grabby but I’ve always been close to my parents and this is really hurtful. DH is my dc’s dad, just to make that clear too.
Aibu?

There is something about this that feels wrong. It feels very controlling and manipulative on your parents part to be honest with you.

Maybe your husband is a waste of space. I don't know. Either way, this does not feel right. People in families will use money as a means of control, power and one upmanship. This is how it feels to me to be honest.

Your parents are being unreasonable to disinherit you and trap you in marriage by it You are being unreasonable not to divorce him for their sake Not divorcing isn't benefitting you so in your shoes I'd do it ASAP but noone gets to control me

Your marriage is not really any of you parents' business. Why protect their feelings? You owe them nothing.

Your parents sound bloody awful tbh. I agree with this. They are clearly messed up in some way to do all this

I am not going to enter in the discussion about if what they doing is right or not because how you said is them money and if they like they can burn it better then give it to you , also leaving them to your childrens deffinetley showing that they are good people that care about them relatives so the discussion about them being greedy or selfish people is over before can start .
What I want to say is that in my life I saw many many situations like yours when the parents of a person don't agree with that person choice for marriage and not even once that marriage worked out till the end so if I would make an educated guess probably yours is not going to work either .
What parents unfortunately do not understand is that trying to force a woman not to marry someone is like pushing her in that man arms , women are quite fragile emotionally and cannot make them own decisions but they live under the impression they can by basicly choosing exactly the opposite of them advicers this in psyhology is called reverse psyhology , there is a hudge probability that if your parents would have said this man is the best make sure you will never lose him he is too good for you , you would have probably never married him . Same like when a man wants a woman needs to show as less interest as possible and then 90-95% he will make her crawl for him while by chasing a woman you generally push her away .
You should try to get some personality sit with yourself and think simple are my parents stupid and I am smart or the other way around and please don't make me puke by mentioning love here because woman don't work like that they are just controlled by basic instincts like a guy that don't want me don't want me because he can do better so logically he is a good catch so I will chase him harder and then ending up in a abusive relationship where you as a woman become a slave and justify to friends that your heart don't let you take the right decisions .
Fix your relationship with your parents leave the bloody money apart money don't matter that much but to lose the people that gave you life for pen.s is just ridiculous

Ok, brace yourselves Mumsnet…. in my very humble opinion, inheritance is not a right or an expectation. It’s a gift. Their money and their possessions to decide what to do with when they pass on.

Whether you stay with your husband or not is your decision and should not be based on anyone’s opinion but your own. Nor should it be connected to money you may or may not receive after your parents have passed on.

That said. They are absolutely wrong for not supporting your decision to leave your husband if you decide to. They are absolutely bang out of order for punishing you because they don’t like your husband in the first place. If they don’t want to leave you something because they have decided they just don’t want to, that’s fine but not because they have a grudge against someone else. That’s just ludicrous. They are trying to control you in every way. It is just cruel, wrong and extremely manipulative.

Personally, I’d leave the whole lot of them for dust and start again with my children. You only get one life my darling. Live yours for you

They sound awful. Please leave him.

I’m so sorry. Just reading all the updates and seems like you can’t do right for doing wrong. They don’t like your husband, enough for them to disinherit you, you want to leave him but they don’t want you leaving him until the kids are 18?

If they have already disinherited you then what’s stopping you leaving him?

I can see why you are hurt. To me the money wouldn’t bother me but the sentimental jewellery would really upset me. So I completely understand why you are hurt 😢

OP asked if it was unreasonable to feel hurt, NOT whether her parents were unreasonable in doing what they wish with their money, which is a different question.

I would stop calling and visiting them for a bit at least until you get your head sorted out about this. I suspect you are correct in your guess that they do not want to give you the means to be financially independent and therefore able to divorce.

So it anyway if that’s what you want. If you turn down their input in your life by not calling and visiting then you get more of an idea about what you really want/need.

I agree with a PP stop paying into any savings accounts for your kids! I feel for you OP this would hurt me xx

Do it anyway - divorce I mean!

I would say that if you want a divorce get a divorce. Your parents do not respect you as an adult. I am assuming that removing you as an heir would make you stay in the marriage by their thinking.

I imagine they would want you to become a caregiver if they needed help. Its good you no longer need to fulfill that role.

I think that's terrible of them. It makes it all the harder for you to leave him one day.

I'd be telling them exactly how I felt at being passed over and not want to have anything to do with them from now on.

I wonder if they foresee you divorcing him, and as he will be entitled to 50% in a divorce they’re protecting the money to stay in the family (you), maybe envisaging your daughter then helping you out.

Playing devils advocate, you may see as a slight and I fully appreciate that, but think what you would do if your daughter and her marriage is unstable (you mention earlier about poss wanting a divorce).

This was obviously written by someone who has no respect for women in general.
Any woman who is in the near vicinity of @DanAugustin should run like hell.

Doing it this way puts any moneys/assets into dc names though and so you were possibly right with 'protect' (from dc perspective anyway) - if you did split from you husband then anything they left you would go to marital assets and things in dc name as I understand it would not

@Plantbasedpeanuts perhaps they are doing it to protect you but also to protect your children. At least this way they know their grandchildren will get a good start as adults and they also know that will make you happy and take any personal pressure you might feel away.

Perhaps they also are considering that DH may force you to spend the inheritance OR the marriage will breakdown and the inheritance they left will get lost in the battle and ultimately no one will benefit.

Personally, I would be ok with my parents doing this as i would know it has nothing to do with how they feel about me. I'd actually be happy in a way as I would also have knowledge that they have a leg up. I would ask my parents to have it in trust until they are at least 25 though so they don't spend it on immature things.

Posted accidentally - you're not unreasonable to feel hurt by it. Would talking to them about it help or just make you feel worse?

They sound controlling and emotionally abusive. You shouldn’t stay in an unhappy marriage for anyone, much less your parents.

You have no voice in the midst of your husband or your parents. Your needs are put on the back burner. You have probably got used to that situation. You need to leave this man and they won't "allow" it. Your contentment should far outweigh their embarrassment. A content household as a two parent or one parent family is important for welfare of children not "you must stay married" putting the marriage over the needs of the children

Your parents sound like manipulative assholes tbh. You're damned if you do, damned if you don't in their book. So just do what's best for you and your kids and don't give a hoot about what they think, they obviously don't care about your feeling as far as I can see.

OP. Why do you want to divorce him?

IDEALLY, they should support your leaving him if that's what's you want, however as divorce is a no, then I actually think they're doing you a favour. If you do eventually have the courage to leave him (whether your parents are still around or not), then half of you 25% would be included when looking at assets and splitting them. At least this way he has no claim on it at all.

I'm sorry you're in this position. I could never imagine not supporting my child and grandchildren to get out of an unhappy situation. It's not the 19 60s! Why are they so anti divorce? Is it a religious thing? Would it be worth speaking to them again and asking them to support you of you divorce?

I also cannot imagine not getting a divorce to alleviate my parents' shame. They've cut you out of the will anyway so you have nothing to lose

Hope this gets resolved

But most of the inheritance is going to your kids?

This is a bizarre situation. On the one hand you are standing up for your husband's shortcomings, protecting him, yet you say you would like to divorce him. On the other hand, your parents dislike him enough to cut you out of their will, yet they would strongly object to you divorcing him. I don't know what you are expecting people to advise you to do?

Their money and their choice. Sure, I absolutely get why you’re hurt. But they’ve given it to your children so that is still in your family