To be hurt my parents have disinherited me?

[Plantbasedpeanuts]

They hate my husband and so they’ve cut me out of their will and left everything to my dc.
I know logically it is their choice and it was previously split 25% each between me and my three dc but now they’ve taken me out entirely - even sentimental things like my mum’s jewellery will now go to my dd.
Im so hurt by this. Logically I completely understand it’s their money and their belongings and I don’t want to be grabby but I’ve always been close to my parents and this is really hurtful. DH is my dc’s dad, just to make that clear too.
Aibu?

It depends on the country. In England it's a very grey area. If both parties can be reasonably housed using other marital assets then it's not taken into consideration. If there aren't enough assets then it is classed as a marital asset and added to the pot. She needs proper advice from her own solicitor, hopefully she will seek that advice and leave.

Your children could each give you a portion of their inheritances.

This is very similar to my situation. I didn’t leave my husband until my parents were dead (partly as you say because I’d have been too humiliated to admit to them that they were right) and they also left their money to my kids (though they had gifted a large amount to me some years before). To be honest I’m glad they did it as it meant he didn’t get any of it! If you are unhappy in your marriage my advice would be not to wait to leave. Things will work out!

Op I think your being very kind to them, they sound absolutely appalling.
I would tell them how you feel and say you feel so hurt you need some distance to process your thoughts.

That's what I would do then not contact them for ages and see how they like it.

So they told you in advance that they have disinherited you? Don’t these things usually come to light when people actually die?

This is why I think it could be an attempt to control you or influence your behaviour in some way. In any event it has had its intended effect - to hurt you. There could be no other response from you in response to this news, and they would be aware you would feel hurt.

However, we don’t know if they have valid grounds to dislike your husband. If you are really honest with yourself, can you see where this is coming from and why they feel they need to do it.

we don’t know if they have valid grounds to dislike your husband

This is irrelevant. What does 'valid grounds' even mean? If someone dislikes another person, they dislike them. You don't need to have a good reason any more than if you don't like eating Marmite, you don't like eating Marmite. You just don't like it. Any person is perfectly entitled to hold likes and dislikes without any grounds assess as 'valid' by you or any other person.

If you hate someone for whatever reason, it's not that irrational to not want them to have a penny you have earned or to have access to spending your money on themselves via a wife or a child who could be controlled.

In most cases IME if there is love for a direct relative (child,sibling,parent even), if they do detest a spouse its normally because they love their child, sibling and know the spouse is bad for that child. Not always I know but very often. Most parents want their children to be safe, healthy and happy. Same with siblings.

I really can't see what anyone's upset over. The grandparents want to provide a start for their grandchildren. Full Stop.

They don't like DH. Perhaps that is actually meaning they don't trust DH and they want to ensure the funds are there for their grandchildren, not for him to have or for him to use.

I'd be pleased if it were me.

The OP says her husband has money / will come into money. She also has said she's considered leaving him in the past, both points totally separate to the grandparent's decision. She can leave DH and will get support etc she doesn't need the grandparent's money to do this. But this way the grandparents ensure their hard-earned money stays with their grandchildren and is not used by anyone else.

@OneChicEagle "OneChicEagle · Today 07:30
Your children could each give you a portion of their inheritances."

Seriously???? I'd never ever do that. Recipe for total family disaster and also unfair to the DC's and the grandparents.

How do they know this, if you told them, or failed to defend him it’s hardly surprising they don’t like him

You say you would like to leave your DH - but won’t while your parents are alive as it would upset them. That’s not a good reason - you’re essentially putting your life on hold possibly for many years to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship. That’s not good for you and btw not good role modelling for your children. And it sounds as if your parents are not rejecting you (although I understand feeling hurt) so much as your husband….

I feel for you. But let me offer an alternative point or two. Firstly there may be tax implications. Interitance tax is 40% once over the threashold so is a significant consideration. They may have put the money via the will intro trust for your children to avoid tax implications - some trusts can do this. Also if the money came to you and they dont trust your DH this is a factor also. If something happened to you, your will would dictate what happened. If no will then it would be down to claims on the estate. I have known of a second time married couple whereby the inheritance went all to the husband after the wifes death (the inheritance money coming from the deceased wifes parents inheritance). The widowed husband soon remarried and left everthing to his new wife and kids. So the children of the wifes original marriage got nothing from a sizable sum, which due to purely circumstances of who died first went to someone elses kids. In leaving the money for your children they have ensured it stayes within the family, even if it does bypass you in the meantime. This also may have interitance tax implications for your estate - eg meaning it doesnt get taxed whereas it may have been taxed if you had received the inheritance first. I think it is complex and there could be a lot more involved than it appears on the surface to be. Worth discussing with your parents? It may have been some other factor swaying the decision and in fact not be personal at all. Good luck. Never easy.

Well they can't have it both ways can they? I mean they might not like him but if they disapprove of you leaving him then you can't very well please them can you. Damned if you do damned if you don't.
I have disinherited one of my adult children skipping her & going straight to her DC's, only because she no longer talks to anyone in the family. Haven't seen her for years, she won't let us see her DC's either. & I suspect it's her partner that controls this. But that could change & if she decides that she wants to reintegrate with us we'd welcome her back.

Leave your dh if your unhappy life is to short to be unhappy it doesn’t matter what your parents think and they have already disinherited you

i get that it’s hurtful I am in a similar situation I believe I have been disinherited as dm thinks my dsis has had her change her will has spent all dm money and remortgaged her house police and social services are involved I understand dm is being manipulated but it’s still hurtful she cut me off

Dsis is not married and has no dc her will was that my dc inherited although she is up to her eyes in debt my adult dc don’t have anything to do with her now because of what she has done so she has probably changed her will so no idea who it will go to eventually if there is anything left

Theres nothing to be unreasonable about, it’s your parents’ prerogative to decide how they split their assets

As a parent of two dc (both single) in their 40’s my husband and myself would be careful where our (very) hard earned lifetime assets end up. Our son is very well off due to his own hard work, our daughter not so much. We have sold our large home in order to divert funds to both dc mainly to ensure our dd gets on the housing ladder to secure her future. I would be livid if an undeserving partner could take anything away from her. But I would ensure she knew up front this was a protective loving arrangement.

I can't imagine thinking that loving someone means you want them to be unhappy for years and years just so you can save face. You don't need your parents support to leave your husband, you're an adult now. You need to do what's right for you and your kids, otherwise in 20 years time when your parents are not around you'll be angry and bitter that you wasted that part of your life. They've already cut you out of their will, what else can they do?

That is a great outcome for you. I have had friendly arguments with my father over inheritance. This has been due to us buying family euromillion tickets and then how to distribute the winnings. My father puts my childless sister and me as being in equal rights to the winnings. I want to put my two children as equal partners with myself and my sister. In my father's calculation I would have to give them part of my share. They are in early thirties and would be in need of the money now. Obviously we laugh because the likelihood of winning euromillions is so remote. Obviously if we won Euromillion bigtime it would not matter who was getting part of the prize - the outcome for the family would be life-changing.

The not giving money before you die is also pertinent in my situation. My parents are in their nineties. They have savings, not huge but money that they have always said "we are saving for our old age but are not sure when we will get there. So they have not given out any money yet. Now that they are sick and need to pay for carers they are upset that saving have to be used to fund this. Now they say that they hoped that savings would come to family members after their death. So they would not distribute money in their eighties, I think because of lack of trust of partners of their daughters. Basically you cannot have it both ways.

You either give the money when you are younger and this will not get taxed and included in any sums for care plans. OR you write wills that reflect your preference for childrens' partners and see where that leaves you.

Hmmm I have just realised that I need to re read my own will. It was written when both were single. Both are now in relationships. I love both partners. One is connected with a house purchased together. One is pregnant..

I think I may be alone here but I just don't get how people think they are entitled to their parent's or anyone else's hard earned money. If someone makes you a bequest, that's very nice. I would be incandescent with rage if someone told me what to do with my property or money after I'm gone. That is for me to decide and no one else. I think changing wills and telling people they've been disinherited, or in this case bypassing you and being bequeathed to Grandchildren may seem punitive. Indeed people can and do use inheritance to punish or manipulate those around them, the classic case of leaving everything to the dog's home. However, I've rarely seen a bereavement where there's no grabbing, entitlement and vulture like behaviour. I'm certainly not suggesting that's the case here. I simply believe it's wrong to expect to inherit, that way avoids disappointment.

So they’d rather tie you to that miserable life than be happy? If they care for you and hate your husband, they could help you leave. I stayed in a marriage like yours far too long, because divorce wasn’t the done thing in my family. I had to scrape along, no-one in my family had the finances to help out, and ex decided he didn’t want to pay what the court orded him to, but I was so relieved to be on my own with the children, no amount of money could persuade me to stay with him. Maybe your parents will relent ~ because your DCs will be affected by the change in lifestyle. Just because he doesn’t cheat or gamble doesn’t make him a good husband. Choose happiness.

But that's punishing you surely childish perhaps I had a similar thing I am the eldest and my mum made it clear that my younger sister would be executor even though she's in USA I was aware in my 40s I wasn't to benefit I was hurt dreadfully but always was aware she was the fav but I believed I was being the better person accepting it families can be tough to handle

I’m sorry to hear that. Has your husband ever given any indication that he wanted your parents’ money? If his parents are that wealthy, would he really be after your parents’ money? Also, I’m not sure your parents are being rational about this or understand the implications of their decision - they don’t want HIM to benefit, but in the process they are taking away your chance at financial security if for any reason you HAVE to leave him. Would they feel the same if he cheated or was violent for example?

You’re in such a tough spot! I’ll never understand parents who think their child’s purpose in life is to obey their wishes.

You've not actually said it but it sounds like you might want to leave him and I don't think you need your parents approval to do so, despite their thoughts on divorce - the money isn't going to you anyway.

If he's the loafer you suggest follow your heart.

It sounds like you're twisting yourself into knots trying to please people.

Let me be brutal and clear. If you are unhappy in your marriage then get up and leave. The only person making this difficult is you.

Yes, it will be hard. Yes, people are going to disapprove of your life choices, but you know what, it sounds like that is the situation already so fk it.

Don't live and die by other peoples religious and societal versions of things. Just be a decent human being, obey the law, and try and live a decent life.

Walk away. Choose yourself. Your kids will benefit from having a mother who is happy.

You so not unreasonable. I had similar. They disliked DH from start really. All sorts of ridiculous reasons and some understandable but not in the end borne out. Then parents and DH after few years started bickering and making it difficult for me and DC. Frankly they all to blame. Then parents out of blue took me to court to see my kids more. That caused major friction. No sh!t Sherlock right?! After dust settled I made big efforts to overcome. DH understandably not interested but DC (3 DS 1DD) and I all made big efforts and thought we had good relationship. DF died 5 years ago. Made point in his will that I was excluded and left tiny tiny amount of money to each DC, so small hardly worth bothering. DB inherited everything. Then last year DM died. Left me nothing. I was not mentioned and one seventh of what DF left to each of DC. DB gets everything. I have asked for sentimental items including portraits of my DC she did years ago. DB tells me she told him she wants me to have nothing whatsoever that was hers. He delights in telling me he will stick to that. So in a way you lucky OP. Your DC get it. Mine don’t. I am still in process of wiping every memory or item from my childhood out of my home. I clearly was not a loved and treasured child! Fu&k ‘em! Am glad I’m no longer being taken for a mug. DB a v rich man now with no family.

Does he do enough to help?

I mean it is sad but their money, their choice. They probably just want to make sure he does not get a penny.