To be hurt my parents have disinherited me?

[Plantbasedpeanuts]

They hate my husband and so they’ve cut me out of their will and left everything to my dc.
I know logically it is their choice and it was previously split 25% each between me and my three dc but now they’ve taken me out entirely - even sentimental things like my mum’s jewellery will now go to my dd.
Im so hurt by this. Logically I completely understand it’s their money and their belongings and I don’t want to be grabby but I’ve always been close to my parents and this is really hurtful. DH is my dc’s dad, just to make that clear too.
Aibu?

Still trying to work out why leaving £250k to the grandchildren means their father won’t benefit

Of course he could. You both could.

If you are still married and your parents die then you could go halves with your dc to buy a much bigger family home that your children own 50% of or how ever much of a percentage £250,000 buys

Its ridiculous trying to cut parents out of wills if they are close to their children

I really don’t understand their thinking

If you don’t divorce then he will benefit in a round about way from their will which is something they don’t want but they don’t want you to divorce which would benefit you.

In the grand scheme of things they would rather see their son in law benefitting from their will than see their own daughter living a happy life. Which is just f*cked up

Ask yourself why you are trying to appease these people and live your life according to their rules. They have made their feelings about you perfectly clear

They’ve already cut you out the will now so do as you please and leave your husband if that’s why you want to do, don’t be controlled by your parents

OP - you need therapy. You want to leave and somehow continue to allow your parents have more influence in your life to keep you miserable.

He is wealthy and doesn’t need the money anyway. I can see their reasoning, harsh as it is.

You are being a victim. You need to take control of your own life.

Please don't spend another 12 years in an unhappy marriage! There's nothing more your parents can do seeing as they have already disinherited you. Let's hope your children are compassionate and share their inheritance with you. If you'd be happier without your husband, now is the time to act on it. If he's already wealthy, he doesn't need an inheritance from your parents either.

My parents wouldn't have been in favour of divorce either, but when my sibling split up with their arsehole, they were actually delighted, because they saw right through them and couldn't stand them!

I’ve expressed that I wanted to leave him but my parents said that once you have children you stay no matter what and vows are vows

Even when it is going to f*ck up the children living in a house their whole childhood where their parents dislike each other

They sound insane

If your husband is wealthy divorce him already! My parents threatened to disinherit me (well they did regularly) I would say yes give it all to my ds your gs. You'll have enough, how wonderful it can go all to your dc. What's the issue? Who cares if they 'disapprove'? Sounds like the best plan all round. It's always important to be independent of both parents and spouse but always look after your children .

@Plantbasedpeanuts your parents aren’t married to him nor do they have to deal with the day to day of a loveless joyless home unlike you and the possible impact it may have on your children who are picking up on yours and your husbands relationship as to ‘this is how marriages look’. Would you wish your marriage on your children? Would you ask them to stay in an unhappy home for any length of time?

Stop living for your parents. Stop living a half life.

Your kids will be resilient and be happier with a mother who’s not being weighted down by all this.

You are an adult and your parents will have to
deal with this. Get some therapy and work on your boundaries and self worth please.

My mum passed away a few years ago and left me a considerable amount. She liked my DH generally but didn't really trust him. She had two bad marriages and it tends to stick. She still left inheritance mainly to DB and me.
There was a bequest to her grandchildren - a personal (valuable) item each, plus a share in a trust, which due to COVID and other financial circumstances is now worth far, far more than I want them to know, due to each as a percentage when they turn 25. They only know about the personal bequest, not the financial aspect.
Since she passed I have looked into the financial side of things as it applies to me. In most legal jurisdictions any inherited properties, if kept separate, is not considered matrimonial property. Therefore my DH has no claim against it. The issues come when property is mixed.
So, keep inheritance separate.
I understand that your feelings though. It would feel to me that I was not trusted by my parents.

I’ve expressed that I wanted to leave him but my parents said that once you have children you stay no matter what and vows are vows. They made it clear they did not support my leaving DH - they suggested I at least hold on until my youngest is 18 so another 12 years.

18 is a bad age to have your parents divorce. The child is a young adult going out into the world independently and ideally they would have a stable base that they know they can return to, throwing a substantial inheritance into that situation means they’ve lost their stability and have a lot of money before they have the sense to know they need to not squander that money. Divorcing now lets you recreate that stable base for your children before they become young adults.

Detach the inheritance from your marriage and decide what you want, at least now if you divorce against your parents wishes they can’t disinherit you.

You have nothing to lose if you divorce him: what are they going to do, disinherit you?
They are planning ahead, they could live another 10, 15+ years. Who is the executor of the will?
You are coming across quite passive so I think it's time to take control of your life

It is your life, not your parents lives. If you divorce him you will get money from the settlement.
I wouldn't cut out my own child unless they were despicable and nothing you wrote suggested that. The person I am cutting out has addiction problems as does their pos partner.

Maybe get counseling from your doctor?

I understand that your feelings though. It would feel to me that I was not trusted by my parents.

Posted a couple of years ago about my parents gifting money to my sister and I and this rang a big bell.

Firstly I wasnt happy about taking the money but my sister was ok with it, for good reason. In short, I had 2 years left on my mortgage, she had 15 and her husband may well have needed to give up work for health reasons. So I agreed for her sake. Then they decided what my share should be for and simply wrote a cheque to my sister. They didnt trust me, at least thats how it felt. So I said no. I was ok with paying off the mortgage, I agreed that that was the sensible thing, but with what was left they decided I needed a new car. I just said no. It was only when my sister said "Hasnt it occured to you that you just giving me and [my BIL] a cheque and then deciding what she should do with her share, shows you dont trust her?" that they realised. Then they gave me a cheque. And I bought a car.

But it was about the lack of trust. And to be honest, that still hurts. I think it always will.

By giving you such a message, your parents are not only fucking up your life but the lives of their grandchildren too.

Children will pick up on bad atmospheres, will see poor relationships in action and continue them on into the next generation.

As others have said, they've written you out of their wills, they now have no hold over you. And if your DH has wealth, you will benefit from this at divorce as well.

Act for your children not just yourself by leaving

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I had manipulative parents who used their money to get me to do / not do what they wanted. When I became financially independent of them they started asking me to pay for things to help them out.

On the emotional / family front I think you need to do what is best for you and your DC. If your kid is going to inherit from your parents, at least you know they will have a cushion to land on.

My Cousin moved in and eventually married a younger fellow her parents don't think much of, for much the same reasons as yours, believe he doesn't help or have the ''go'' in him to improve his lot in life. Her home was bought for her by a family trust set up by her parents.

(I have to say I cannot see what the attraction is about him, and its ended up with her drinking way too much each night.)

Anyhow she recently hit the parents up for a newer, larger dwelling and what her parents did was to tie up her future inheritance further into another Trust (there's various forms that still cannot be broken depending on where you live of course) and this will also benefit her DD in the long run, with the Dad bypassed.

Is this a conversation you could have with your Parents?

Oh my god, this is so upsetting to read, OP.

I can't believe your parents could be so cruel as to visibly hate your DH but not 'let' you leave him.

Divorce is as old as marriage!

Bad marriages ruin children's lives - you'd struggle to fund any expert now that said 'stay together for the children'.

I really hope you can seek some excellent professional therapy to help you untangle this mess and decide what to do.

@Plantbasedpeanuts so they disapprove of divorce. So what? Why does their opinion mean you not living your life as you wish?

I think we have an obligation to love our children. Our grandchildren are the responsibility of our children. If we skip our children in favour of our grandchildren, we are telling our children we don't love them... but we feel responsible for our legacy so are willing to put our hope in a future we cannot yet connect with or truly see rather than believe in our own offspring.

You want to leave your H but won’t until your parents are dead because it would upset / embarrass them? Really? Who are you living your life for, you or for them? You do realise the world will not end if you divorce?

Now that we know your DH is wealthier than you OP, I'd go full steam ahead for a divorce. What have you got to lose? Your parents have already disinherited you, which has naturally hurt you deeply. Therefore you no longer have to take their opinions on ANYTHING into account, because as you've said yourself, it feels like they don't care about you, so why should you care what they have to say.

Would your share of the marital assets be sufficient to set you and your children up in a place of your own, or would you struggle to do this if you walked away from your DH? Please note: I'm not saying you shouldn't do this, not for a moment, but would just like to know how difficult or otherwise, it might be for you, so that we can offer advice accordingly.

To me, it sounds like it's time for you to stand on your own two feet, take what I know will seem like a gigantic and scary step, and walk away from both your parents and your husband. Stop letting other people control your life, believe me, as an older person myself, life goes past way too quickly to waste even a minute. So in MN parlance, start getting your ducks in a row, and show them all that you're worth so much more than the way you're being treated. I bet if you do this, in 5 years time, you'll look back, and be so glad that you decided to live your life for YOU, instead of living by other people's rules.

Just wanted to offer my support @Plantbasedpeanuts My parents were very much against divorce due to religious reasons, but I had to leave my first husband, I could no longer stay with him (abuse). They got over it.

In your case, if you feel you want to divorce, then do so. It's your life, you need to do what's best for you and your children. What's the worst that will happen? They've already disinherited you, so they can't do that as punishment. Your parents lack of support is really really sad. They come across as controlling, and I can understand why you're feeling so hurt. Also, my husband has been disinherited, so from a personal view, we know the hurt you're feeling x

@Plantbasedpeanuts

To answer your question no you are not being unreasonable to feel like shit about your parents actions.

I think you should definitely go ahead with a divorce. It should not be up to them and their views are batshit. Either they hate your husband and think he's lazy or they don't want you to get divorced. They can't have both. Once you have divorced and they have seen that the sky hasn't fallen in then maybe they might put you back in the will. To be fair I wouldn't want a lazy shit Son in Law to take half of my money. Some men are like that but not lots. You deserve better. Leave him.

There is no guarantee your children will all have great marriages. They could lose half of their inheritance to bad husbands also.

in your shoes, I would divorce my “rich husband” take with you as much of the marital assets as you can and start a new happy life on your own terms. Your kids will be fine, their dad can financially support them through childhood and gp’s money will give them a great start in adulthood.

You don't need your parent's permission to leave your husband. What are they going to do about it, cut you out of their will if you get divorced? They've already done that. So just do what you need to do to be free of this man. The only power these people have over you is the power you give them.