To be hurt my parents have disinherited me?

[Plantbasedpeanuts]

They hate my husband and so they’ve cut me out of their will and left everything to my dc.
I know logically it is their choice and it was previously split 25% each between me and my three dc but now they’ve taken me out entirely - even sentimental things like my mum’s jewellery will now go to my dd.
Im so hurt by this. Logically I completely understand it’s their money and their belongings and I don’t want to be grabby but I’ve always been close to my parents and this is really hurtful. DH is my dc’s dad, just to make that clear too.
Aibu?

OP as others have said: best if you divorce now as you want to leave, they may then want to change their wills to benefit you (wills can always be changed until death). If they don't change their wills again to your benefit, then you've not lost anything, but you are free.
Your DH would get half if you divorce (and you say you want to leave him, so it's not a strong marriage!). He may be hanging around with a hope you'll inherit so he can get half when he leaves you, so you would also not have the full inheritance in that circumstance, only half of what they left you.
Your parents are right to make sure that the money stays within the family.

I've experienced similar. Not included in my Mum's or my Aunt's (who passed in December) will, again this has a lot to do with them not liking my DP. They've done this to one of my brothers as well, as they don't like his wife, and have instead put mine (and his) children to inherit.

I made peace with it. At the end of the day, its their money, and I'm happy my children will receive some, which will help and benefit them greatly, and likewise the same for my nephews and niece. Think its best to try and not let this upset you OP.

With regards to your marriage, don't stay with your DH just to not upset your parents. Life's too short.

also OP do they disapprove in principle of divorce or have they said that they don't want you specifically to divorce?
In my father's generation there was a domestic abuse situation and while there was a lot of cultural/religious disapproval of divorce they were very supportive of the woman getting divorced.
Are you using their general dislike of divorce (no one thinks is fantastic: I know, I've done it) to stop yourself leaving him?

Well, you’re clearly unhappy in the marriage. You need to get a divorce and move on with your life. Forget what your parents think, it’s not their life, the dc get the inheritance and you get your happiness. Win, win I say!

You could look at this in another way. If you are saying you would like to leave him they run the risk that he could successfully claim part of your estate if they predecease you leaving him so you have received the money. By passing the money to the children they are protecting family money as he will have no legal access to this.

Kindly, being disinherited (but money going straight to your DC) is NOT the thing you should be upset. I felt sad reading your updates. You deserve people who love and respect you.

YABU. They don't like your DH, there is a real risk that you will divorce and he gets half. They did the decent thing to leave it to the grandkids.

It's not controlling, it's their hard earned money and their legacy. By definition, it's theirs to do what they please with.

Frankly, "he doesn't cheat or gamble" is not really a high enough standard.

If you want to leave him, do it.

THIS 🖕🖕
If you want rid (and night gambling and being abusive is a very low bar) get rid. Don't be tied to a shit life because of some awful family rules from people who don't care about you
Forget about the inheritance.... Live your life according to your values...

You have one life stop living it according to what other people think

it’s not like you are staying because they might disinherit you, that ship has sailed

Don’t let your parents antiquated views rule your life. If you want a divorce - get one.

At least the money is going to your children. I get it’s hurtful but they are stopping your husband from benefitting which is there right.

Erm, why should you honour vows when he clearly doesn't honour his.??? He has broken the terms of your marriage by treating you like his mommy and noy his wife.

So leave him and work things out with your parents.

I would cut them out of my life and the children’s too. Toxic, controlling fuckers.

Can you ask them to create a a discretionary trust in their wills for you? One that only comes into existence once they’ve both passed on. They could stipulate that you can’t benefit from it if you’re still with husband but it’s there for you should you need to use it if you leave him (or it can go to your kids). TBH, sounds like a pilot trust would be better for this though, so it couldn’t be taken into account should you divorce.

Well, they already disinherited you, so go for it and dump him. They don't like him, and it seems you don't like him, so divorce him. Yes, your DPs might be upset, but that's on them, not you.

Basically, they are talking out of both major orifices at once. "We don't like your DH so we will punish you." "You cannot divorce because we said so."

And now they have ZERO power over you and can't dangle a carrot on a stick. Do what will make YOU happy. If you are happy, your children will be happier and your parents can pound salt.

I notice you've not answered the question - How do you know about this, OP?

Have you actually seen the Will for yourself, or is it just something one of your parents may have told you during an argument?

If it's anything but the former, I wouldn't necessarily believe it. My MIL frequently told my DH, that she was going to disinherit him, because she didn't like me, but over the years things changed, she got to know and love me, and ended up leaving everything between her 2 kids.

With regard to your own situation, I have another couple of questions:

How old are your children now?

AND

How much time do you currently spend with your parents, and does your DH make any effort toward them at all, ie, does he visit with you, offer to do little repairs or tasks to help them, etc?

I personally am in a situation similar to your parents, and know that if my child's partner could get their hands on the inheritance my child should get, the money would be wasted. I have therefore decided, much as I hate having to do it, to leave my estate to my grandchildren, but will also leave instructions with them, that they see to it that my child is never left without a roof over their head, which is what is likely to happen if they stay with their current partner. It breaks my heart to know that this will hurt my child, but I simply couldn't bare it, if everything I've worked for over the years, were to end up in the hands of their partner, as I know they would do a happy dance on my grave, if they thought they were going to get their hands on it.

I haven't, and won't be telling anyone my plans, and so will be leaving my child a letter explaining my reasoning, and will just have to hope they will understand, and be glad that, (assuming my whole estate doesn't end up paying for my care), their children will benefit, even if they can't, due to the bad choices they themselves have made.

However, should my child make the decision to get rid of this partner at any point up to my death, I will immediately make plans to change the Will in their favour.

So, maybe, in spite of what you believe about your parents and their beliefs, you might be surprised OP. I'd therefore recommend, as other posters have done, that you go ahead, and divorce this man who isn't making you happy, get on with your life, and plan on supporting yourself. Then if anything should change with your parent's Wills, it will come as a nice surprise.

I love a certain relative, "S" (not our child)but they have an abusive partner. "S" is currently in our will but we will remove them when we update our will so their partner doesn't benefit. We despise them.

You just posted you’d like to leave your DH. Fair enough. Of course your parents are going to make this choice given the circumstances.

My parents told me - they just said where their wills were held and that they’d left everything to the dc because of DH. They wouldn’t make this up. I think they told me to protect me. DH is actually much wealthier than me and will continue to be as his family is extremely wealthy.

My children are 6, 8 and 13.
My parents are mid 70s.
I see my parents once or twice a week and speak to them everyday.
I’ve expressed that I wanted to leave him but my parents said that once you have children you stay no matter what and vows are vows. They made it clear they did not support my leaving DH - they suggested I at least hold on until my youngest is 18 so another 12 years.

But if OP stays with her husband until she inherits, he can make a claim on her money as part of the divorce settlement.

Told me to prepare me. Not protect me.

This action of theirs appears cruel and controlling.

I think they're punishing you, undeservedly. I'd consider distancing from them.

If you want to leave him, leave him.

You cannot stay in a marriage you are unhappy in to please your parents.

The fact that you are not happy with him is probably the reason for the will: they don’t want him to get his hands on your inheritance. It’s hard not to see their point.

Especially if the realise that you would wait until they are gone, and therefore have the money, before leaving him.

Leave now, or when you are ready. Tell them they were right about him and you are living a lie by staying with him.

In time they may well come round and support you.

I dont understand their logic.
So if you stay with him they disinherit you so he doesnt benefit. But if you divorce him, they disinherit you because they dissaprove of divorce so you made your bed. And them leaving the money to your kids means that you CANT leave him.

And to tell you about it at all. All just screams that they want to punish you and want you to know about it. Yes its a lot of money but frankly, finding out now what they are like may be worth every penny.

I wouldnt be the person on the end of the phone when they need help and care, they will reap what they sow. Dont forget that disinheriting can work both ways.

Yea they sound awful.

If it helps, in my view any money left to my kids feels like money left to me, as it means the people who I love the most (my kids) are taken care of by an inheritance. And that takes so much worry from me, and makes me so happy, that it might as well have been left to me. So personally I wouldn't be hurt by this.

Doesn't change the fact that your parents are controlling to a toxic level though.

I’ve expressed that I wanted to leave him but my parents said that once you have children you stay no matter what and vows are vows. They made it clear they did not support my leaving DH - they suggested I at least hold on until my youngest is 18 so another 12 years.

Just because they believe this, doesn’t mean that you cannot or should not leave him.

You are your own person, not just ‘wife’, ‘daughter’ or ‘mother’.

Steer your own ship.