To think this is scandalous yet in plain sight because the patriarchy has no shame

[Webjisroommate]

A year ago I separated from my DD’s father and she was in the middle of her first year of nursery. He paid the cms amount every month, without fail. This was 360 a month, even though I was left to pay over 1,300 on nursery fees alone. Obviously the situation has now changed slightly with the hours but his 360 contribution is quite literally nowhere near half her costs. I have spoken about this with other mum friends and have learned that 360 is actually pretty fortunate! Some women are being paid less than 200 and others have to chase cms when their ex is self employed. I was not aware of any of this before having Dd.

My career is now hugely clipped as I am doing 95% of childcare while ex sees her a day a week… the day I use mostly to clean and get the house in order to start the week again. And yes, I suggested 50/50, he didn’t want that.

I honestly feel like this is a huge joke player on women in plain sight while nothing is actually done about it?! I also can’t fathom how HMRC can chase tax from the self employed but Cms can’t chase these men to pay for their children. It’s a disgrace. Why is this allowed to happen?!

Yes, it's disgraceful and is discussed often on here

How are men allowed to get away with it? And how do they have the moral conscience to let it happen??

While I agree with you that it’s ridiculous what men legally are on the hook to pay for, and I really feel for anyone with a shitty enough ex who refuses to be reasonable and contribute an actual fair amount. But at the same time I can’t see how a mechanism for childcare payment could really be set up fairly. The ex would need to have a say in the facility and it all gets a bit messy.

Totally agree OP, it’s an absolutely disgrace.

Because on the whole, women want to be primary carers for their children.

Yes and no.

Yes men should pay, however there needs to be a deterrent to stop people having children with whoever Willy nilly

It disgusts me how the DWP terrorise disabled people...yet do absolutely nothing to chase CMS

Patriarchy - men have the power to change it and many of them have fucked off so won't punish other men. Also the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and women are too bloody busy to make a noise about it.

I had 3 children, in a committed marriage, after we bought a house etc. Not "willynilly". Separated in 2014 and bar a year when he claimed benefits and i got £28 a month, ive not received a penny from his actual earnings, and he hasnt had any contact. I work every hour i can to make sure they have a good life, with holidays and hobbies etc. He got off scott free.

The system is disgusting.

Yes I agree but there was a thread on here recently where a woman in the same position was told to be grateful and that working is a life choice ! 😮

Are you getting tax free childcare?

@TinyYellow that doesn’t mean they should also pay more

Really, tiny yellow?

Oh well that excuses everything then

Sounds like the patriarchy talking, again

@Ws2210 this is so true!!!!

It’s disgusting. I completely agree that if govt wanted to, it could give CMS stronger powers to investigate real earnings/wealth and force men to pay up when they abandon their families

@OceanStorm

it’s just ‘yes.’

i don’t know if you’re aware but it takes a man and a woman to have children ‘Willy nilly’ or otherwise.

its worrying your default is to make it the woman’s problem.

@Cinocino oh well, if the admin is a challenge then let’s just continue to shit on women hey?

how about the default is men pay more (especially as these men are doing fuck all practically) and we just say … oops, can’t be exact as it’s too difficult to calculate.

I agree it's disgusting.
Some of the men in power will be the kind to dodge their responsibilities, so no incentive to improve the system.

I honestly wonder when this will ever change because it's been going on for decades.

When I unexpectedly got pregnant 36 years ago, my then partner's mother told me that women are always left 'holding the baby' (i.e. shouldering all or most of the responsibility).

I don't think things have moved very much since then.

No, no, us feckless women bleed men dry so they have to live in bed sits and spend our ill gotten gains on handbags silly.

This is where women have to sit up and take notice of what is happening to other women. Maybe it is time to make sure an account is opened and childcare costs are saved by both parents to be before a baby is conceived.

It's probably about time the UK adopted the US way. If the father doesn't pay his dues, driving license gets suspended. That would wake the losers up.

It really gets my goat when deadbeat dads don't pay their dues. And I'm a dad who would hate to think my (now grown up)girls were suffering because I'm selfish.

Luckily my wife couldn't get rid of me

When a couple separates their resources are split - it's inevitable that both of you will end up less well off financially. Instead of two people funding one household together, they're now funding one each. I'm not sure how much you think he should be paying, but ~15% of his net income doesn't seem that bad.

It's shit that he's only seeing his dd one day a week though - every other weekend should be the absolute minimum. So I can see the argument that he should be covering a bigger share of the childcare bill in lieu of his care being less than 50/50.

And it's not just fathers that shirk their responsibilities - I've never had a penny of child maintenance from my ex towards our 3 dc.

All the single mums I know, including myself, were long time married before their exes dumped their planned for children and ran.

I don't see how you could legislate against men being arseholes.

Because 99.9% of men don't want children in the first place.

When you are old you will have 3 DC who care about and love you. You might have DGC if you are lucky. He will be alone and very unlikely his DC will want anything to do with him. It will serve him right if he gets old and lonely and realises his mistake too late.