To think this is scandalous yet in plain sight because the patriarchy has no shame

[Webjisroommate]

A year ago I separated from my DD’s father and she was in the middle of her first year of nursery. He paid the cms amount every month, without fail. This was 360 a month, even though I was left to pay over 1,300 on nursery fees alone. Obviously the situation has now changed slightly with the hours but his 360 contribution is quite literally nowhere near half her costs. I have spoken about this with other mum friends and have learned that 360 is actually pretty fortunate! Some women are being paid less than 200 and others have to chase cms when their ex is self employed. I was not aware of any of this before having Dd.

My career is now hugely clipped as I am doing 95% of childcare while ex sees her a day a week… the day I use mostly to clean and get the house in order to start the week again. And yes, I suggested 50/50, he didn’t want that.

I honestly feel like this is a huge joke player on women in plain sight while nothing is actually done about it?! I also can’t fathom how HMRC can chase tax from the self employed but Cms can’t chase these men to pay for their children. It’s a disgrace. Why is this allowed to happen?!

there needs to be a deterrent to stop people having children with whoever Willy nilly

Good luck with that one.

Indeed. I have been at the sharp end of both of these.

First their wages are garnished and any tax refunds are taken and applied to the balance owed. If they somehow manage to avoid that, then their licenses can be suspended. It's surprising that the UK doesn't handle it this way.

You are right, it's a disgrace. How does he get away with not only not contributing his time, leaving his career uninterrupted, but hardly any of her costs as well.

I think the default should be a minimum rate to raise a child, including accommodation, food, clothing, that each parent has to contribute 50/50 to, either through cash or shared care. The amount payable should not be dependent on parental income. Rather it should reflect the needs of the child. It shouldn't be an extravagant amount, but it should be realistic.

At present, more frequently than not, the primary carer shoulders the financial burden of children as well as the career limitations associated with having the children the majority of the time. The other parent generally has no limitations on their career, as they're essentially child free during work hours, and often the amount paid in child support wouldn't feed the child for a week, let alone provide clothing and accommodation.

That's what needs to change. Not how much do you earn, well we can't let you starve, so just pay a pittance while the other parent carries nearly all child related costs. It needs to be a kid costs 170 a week so both parents pay 85 each, or whatever the actual cost is based on the age of the child.

I’m pretty sure that some states attach the delinquent dads’ bank accounts.
If that doesn’t work, they’re jailed until they pay up.
They continue to attach their bank and patroll accounts and I’m pretty sure the dads are required to maintain employment.
I don’t remember exactly, but the government makes it miserable for deadbeat dads.
Which is exactly as it should be.

@Webjisroommate
The mother has the choice to terminate - the father does not

What sort of deterrent?

@TansySorrel knowledge that life will be more difficult is a deterrent

OP's child was at nursery when the dad left. I think it's a bit late to terminate by then..

Abortion is not a valid birth control method. If the guy doesn't want a pregnancy from sex, he needs to take responsibility for his own birth control and not leave it up to the woman.

I got £10.96 a week for my son from 97 to when he turned 18.

Then I got a letter saying I owed his dad £140!

His dad remarried has 2 daughters and got on the property ladder due to me being a naive 21 year and signing the house over to him just to get shot of him.

His dad abandoned him, never saw him so I felt very proud when my son said he'd go and chuck £140 at him from his own wages.

I did try and appeal, god knows how he squirmed out of that one. It just about covered packed lunch.

Oh well!

Condom?

That's because it's not happening to his body. And...? Are you suggesting unwilling fathers should be able to force the mothers to have abortions?

These children need to be supported. The alternative to parental support is the state, which means everybody has to pay. Would you prefer we all have to pay just so men can have sex without consequences?

No contraception is 100% so condoms, pills, coil etc can all fail.
It takes 2 to tango so you can both live with the consequences including paying towards your child.
£360 in child maintenance would be amazing for me but it all depends on your income and expenses if that would be enough.

Parents should both pay for childcare, regardless of custody. It is the single biggest parenting expense. Primary parents working more also means fewer households needing benefits.

significant debates over childcare can be taken to mediation and then court the same as significant debates over school.

I shouldn’t laugh but I wanted to.

Who don’t more people realise that too many men decide family life isn’t for them after the arrival of a planned child?

@XChrome financial abortions

Well don't just moan on MN, write to your MPs, start a campaign. This doesn't affect me but I will happily join any campaign and write to my MP about it because its so wrong. Also, public money is spent financially supporting women with children so children don't starve, meanwhile the fathers of these children are not forced to pay a penny, even if high earning. It's so, so wrong. Oh, and even if they do pay towards the support of their own child, that money isn't taken into account for benefits purposes because it is deemed so unreliable, and the state just shrugs its shoulders about it.

In Switzerland the council decides how much the woman needs and pays her. The dad is then made to pay this to the council and they do go after them - the mum then doesn’t have to worry about the chasing the money.

Well, even if that were true, I can think of a really easy and 100% affective way of preventing pregnancy.

Much better.
Let HMRC pay the child support, including 50% of childcare costs, HMRC can then pursue the debtor with all the tools they have, fines, prison etc.

Men do have the option to use contraception if they don't want children. I know everyone on her likes to make out they were using 10 different types of contraception and they still some how got pregnant but in the real world when people use it correctly it is very rare to get pregnant. If men were made to pay for children and take care of them to allow the mother to work then we wouldn't have so many men walking away when they get bored. They would think a little harder about having kids. I also think some women need to take more responsibility. How many times have we all ready oh I've known him a week and got pregnant

Funny that. My ex pays a fairly large amount out in child maintenance for our 3 children.
Still doesn't touch the sides of the things the kids actually need.

He does have the opinion I'm bleeding him dry. So dry in fact he lives between work and his parents, he can't actually afford the petrol to travel from work to mummys house on the £1400+ a week he gets to keep of his wages.

A bedsit flat is out of the question on his wages apparently..

He pays child support on the 5 days he works a week, but works 7. And turns up at my house to see the kids when he wants but there's no actual parenting and I can't remember the last time he actually took them to do something. It might have been McDonald's and the park in April. Since then he seems to have managed that he turns up after dinner, so he helps himself to leftovers.

He's got the "poor broke man" routine down to a T. His father feels so sorry for his poor bled dry son...
His son has such a tough time! Money out, out, out and all I do is spend you see. Always buying car seats, prams and clothes for the children. I even had new shoes a few months back, caused uproar I did.

That's only if the mothers income is below a certain level set as a minimum standard of living income.

If it's at an acceptable level to live on they write and request money numerous times over a period. Then if the money isn't paid voluntarily they set up a debt (Betriebung) with the Canton ego chase the non paying adult.

If they ignore this the Betriebungsamt freeze his/her salary, at the source, give them a spending amount to cover their bills and a living allowance, and take the rest until the owed money is raised, then pass it over to the Socialamt who then transfer it to you. It can take over a year, and is a process that then needs to be repeated. It's better, but it's not perfect. I'm still owed over 100,000 Chf from my ex who refused to participate. If there is any official debt, that's prioritised it seems. In the end he fled the country to avoid dealing with it, and abandoned his child.

Also childcare payments out get taken into account for a tax deduction, but childcare payments into the (usually) mothers account get treated as an income, and taxed.