To think this is scandalous yet in plain sight because the patriarchy has no shame

[Webjisroommate]

A year ago I separated from my DD’s father and she was in the middle of her first year of nursery. He paid the cms amount every month, without fail. This was 360 a month, even though I was left to pay over 1,300 on nursery fees alone. Obviously the situation has now changed slightly with the hours but his 360 contribution is quite literally nowhere near half her costs. I have spoken about this with other mum friends and have learned that 360 is actually pretty fortunate! Some women are being paid less than 200 and others have to chase cms when their ex is self employed. I was not aware of any of this before having Dd.

My career is now hugely clipped as I am doing 95% of childcare while ex sees her a day a week… the day I use mostly to clean and get the house in order to start the week again. And yes, I suggested 50/50, he didn’t want that.

I honestly feel like this is a huge joke player on women in plain sight while nothing is actually done about it?! I also can’t fathom how HMRC can chase tax from the self employed but Cms can’t chase these men to pay for their children. It’s a disgrace. Why is this allowed to happen?!

Yes I'm in the same position - £2k alone childcare fees for twins and ex husband pays £350 per month for 3 children - but he physically can't pay more as he doesn't earn a high wage and is already living in a shared house ....

I was always the higher earner but I think the situation is worse for women who were traditionally the lower earner and whose partners/husbands therefore paid the majority of the bills and when they split they have to pay their own costs plus the majority of the children's

Then why don't those 99.9% of men have a vasectomy or even take a tiny bit of responsibility for their own contraception?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/16/cost-of-raising-children-in-uk-higher-than-ever

According to this article, that would mean saving about £76k. Alongside trying to get on the property ladder and probably being on the lower end of your payscale, a tonne of people would be out of time to conceive before they got near this!

Because it's so easy for them to walk away?

Because 99.9% of men don’t want children is a made up, fictional statistic.
We all know most men want children, and the problem is that a much smaller number of men want to actually raise their children.

See here I do disagree. It takes 2 to tango yes but if it results in an accidental pregnancy if either wish to terminate it should happen. The same 2 to decide rule has to apply.

I think it is more interesting that despite the massive publicity around how tough it is to be a single mother that OP only "discovered" this and the low maintenance issues when she was in that situation as it is by no means a secret. I think its not just the patriarchy but other women having their heads in the sand when it isn't impacting them too.

It’s appalling. Paying for your dc should be legally enforced and should consider childcare costs.

And women don't really want men around
.

I think the issue is that many fathers think CMS isn't spent directly on the children so do what they can to avoid it

There should be mechanisms for example that it is paid directly to childcare etc

I know many mothers in receipt of over a £1000 CMs - no childcare - it doesn't cost that to raise say a 13 year old per month therefore it stands to reason thay it is in part funding the mothers wider expenses and living costs not the child's

I agree @Spirallingdownwards it’s no secret that being a single parent is financially very challenging.

My exH ran off with my wealthy friend when he realised there was no money from my Father after he died. 3 young children. Paid no maintenance for 6 years. Forged a career whilst I struggled with everything. Disney dad once a fortnight.
I hate it. I have never, ever recovered financially and though I have a good career now, the injustice of it all enrages me.
I also believe that many men set out to do this. Choose a woman they know will raise the children. Run off with a childless one. Take the glory of being a father. Next to no parenting or upheaval.

I've said this before

When parents split up the 'supporting' parent (ie where the child lives) should get a set amount from the government.

The non resident parent should get a bill for the same amount, if they don't pay then it ears interest, a bit like a student loan but with no way to wipe it even if you are an OAP and if you have any assets when you die that should go to pay the debt off.

Add a tax break for the NRP if they pay any extra to the other parent.

It is an utter disgrace and probably the main cause of child poverty in this country. Taxpayers are expected to subsidise through benefits while men skip off into the sunset. There need to be much stronger sanctions on men who do this and much greater stigmatisation of men BY OTHER MEN.

It should. But, in the US, lone mothers are also pushed into Welfare to Work. No work, no welfare is the normal thing.

The system there forces both parents to financially support their kids.

It’s not my argument, it’s fact.
Statistically men don’t really care much about having children vs statistically women do care as part of their life plan.

Plus if we’re talking on this thread about men leaving their partner and kids then thats actually the minority of cases we’re discussing here.
The majority of divorces (62%-70%) are instigated by women. So one would have to assume in the majority of cases women have a financial plan to bring the kids up in the manner they want after the household income that was supporting one household now needs to support two households when filing for divorce I guess. Unless it’s all just not been thought through properly. Who knows. I read stats but I’m not a sociologist digging into it deeply.

💯👏🏻

Surely you mean a bill for half the amount and that the resident parent should also have to pay back half too or opt to receive half.

Stop letting him turn up at your house then he will have to do “real” parenting
Id also be scraping the leftovers in the bin in front of him before he could get a chance to eat them, before I’d feed him.

This is pretty much what happened in my parents’ marriage.

It is not fact that 99.9% of men do not want children.
It is sexist stereotyping.

”Just over one-fifth (21 per cent) of childless women aged 18-34 recently polled by Pew Research Centre said they don't ever want to be parents, compared to 15 per cent of men. Conversely, 57 per cent of men said they want to have children some day, versus 45 per cent of women.”
https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2024/02/15/among-young-adults-without-children-men-are-more-likely-than-women-to-say-they-want-to-be-parents-someday/

Women don't really want abusive/ violent/ controlling/ lazy/ cheating men around.

The man can choose to have a vasectomy if he doesn’t want children in the first place. Or to keep it in his pants.

OP made it clear she does get some funded hours, but as we know that scratches the surface.

Even if she does earn £100k, so what? This is about relative contributions from both parents

And sadly, the ones who don’t fit this description are few and far between.

Yah sterilisation or celibacy- it wasn’t a workable solution to prevent unwanted pregnancies in women so why would it ever be a workable solution for men?