10% of income is fair ‘rent’

[Itisneverfair]

Ds (23) lives at home and works part time. He has adhd and slight learning disabilities.

We have been charging him 10% of what he earns as ‘rent’ to try and get him used to paying his way etc as he struggles with managing money. He’s saying it’s not fair he pays it but he is angry about it every month.

AIBU to think that it’s an ok amount ?

Exactly and that's why we've been very careful with what we "give" our son. He's already earning more than we are (semi retired), so there's no need for us to financially support him. We've plenty of money in the bank and in investments, but we both have potentially complex long term diseases and we don't know how much of our savings we'll have to spend on care, adaptations, private healthcare etc in the future. We've "invested" time, effort, money etc into our son over many years to ensure he got a good education, a good degree and a good career/profession - now he's got there, our job is done. He'll struggle for a few years financially as his costs are high, but he's set up for life, so we're stepping down and leaving him to it!

He’s very impulsive and that plus struggling to understand about finances/budgeting is making things quite tricky

Either do it properly or don't do it at all, because this halfway option isn't teaching anybody anything.

He will get a massive shock when he's out in the world and he's paying 30%, if not a lot more, on rent.

So either charge him a realistic percentage, or charge him nothing and stop all the moaning.

Re getting him to understand, it's not about living at home vs not living at home. It's about being a child or an adult. Is he a child? No. Then he needs to pay for things, that's what adults do with the money they earn from their jobs.

I guess one person's grabby is another person's teaching your children that they have to pay their way in life and when earning in a proper job should contribute to their living costs.

We’ve been doing a monthly budget with his PIP (which goes to my account so he can’t spend the whole lot on something ridiculous as that’s what would happen otherwise) we’ve sat down with him and worked out what activities he wants to do, what appts he has and the taxi costs etc. he does to be fair try to understand but I’m not sure if it’s all going in. We are just trying bit by bit to help him with life skills

I paid a third of my wages in 1985 in my first job, and moved out 18 months later. My own DC, we did a income and expenditure for the house, items that were the same cost regardless of numbers in house, rent etc we paid, anything affected by extra use we split by number of adults, food, utilities etc. Then agreed on that amount. It worked out slightly less than a third. So a good deal!

It’s too low. He isn’t actually learning to budget his money with such a low rent. 30% just on rent is the rule of thumb and since you are likely subsidizing his food and other expenses as well, that 10% is absolutely nothing.

its not about getting money from your child, its about teaching them to live on an adult budget. Eventually they are going to want to move out and if they are used to not paying rent or only paying a token rent, it’s going to be a shock.

The benefit of living at home is you can tie the rent to income. A landlord doesn’t care what you earn, they just set a rate, even if it is completely unaffordable.

It doesn’t have to be rent paid to you. The two of you could agree to a transparent savings arrangement. He puts money into a savings account with every paycheck and you have the right to verify it is happening and the money is staying there.

That's not true at all

My parents never charged any of us rent or food. We were all capable of knowing that when we left we'd have to pay our way. It's not a difficult concept to understand for most? It wasn't a shock to me at all.

i could move back tomorrow and my mum wouldn't take rent. If i transferred her money, she would send it straight back.

I have a foster son with learning disabilities who has lived withe since he was 6. He is staying with us because we are his family now. LA have worked out what he has to pay us for his room, food, laundry etc. He is 18 but still at college. He has to claim UC as he's an adult now and give us the housing benefit he will receive. That is £115 per week. He understands if he wants to go to the cinema or bowling now he has to pay himself instead of me paying for him. If he goes out with his friend I no longer give him £10 for his lunch or put £25 on his lunch card. He has to use the UC allowance he gets. I think you need to charge your son a nominal amount for his room but charge for electricity, water and food. I don't think you help him by not charging him as he will never learn to budget effectively if you don't. I've sat down with my foster son and helped him to work out how much money he needs to put back for his lunches £25 or he will need to take a packed lunch from home. He likes to eat in the canteen with his friends but I've suggested he tries a mix of both. I've suggested he puts £20 back for either cinema or bowling each week. He has to pay his phone SIM now which is £8. That would use most of his UC allowance. He gets PIP so can afford clothes, trainers etc. but I have helped him set up some money going into his savings account for clothes, holidays and emergencies.

Does he understand that you need to pay rent or mortgage to live in the house? Maybe that would help him rationalise, also looking at the cost of rent or properties in your area. Definitely show him grocery bills, electricity, WiFi etc… keep him in the know about everything he will have to cover in future!

*I'm always in the minority with this, but I just would never charge my kids rent.
It was my decision to have them, therefore I pick up the bill.

It just feels so incredibly grabby when I hear of parents charging their kids to live with them.*

I feel exactly the same - immoral and grabby - but it seems like a cultural difference.
In OPs case - maybe it would be more useful to familiarize the kid with household expenses and budgeting. Or that he pays for his own expenditures, such as phone, transportation, subscriptions.

Seems fine to me, if he’s earning.

You've been parented one way and are repeating that. That's fine, but just because it's your family's way doesn't make it the only way.

Many families have always taken contributions to household costs from working adults. There's nothing wrong with that approach either.

It's not immoral, that's really extreme.

It is a reasonable and not unusual approach to take a mutually acceptable contribution to household costs from working adults.

I think you are making it worse as by making it so low it has no real world value. Divide the bills by the number of adults in the house , add on £100 a month for food and charge that and explain why. Sit him down and show him the calculations. ( if you have dependent children then deduct some money before dividing by number of adults to allow for their energy and water use)

I'm currently charging dd £50 per week but she buys a lot of her own food. (she's welcome to eat our food but she eats differently to us eg oat milk/vegan food etc)

How long until you expect them to act as adults though? If they're still with you at 29, 30, 40, 50?

How is it immoral to ask a 23 year old working adult for a contribution to house hold expenses, rent ,board and lodgings, whatever you want to call it?

So many of the comments on here are ignoring that he is disabled enough to qualify for PIP! Do you have access to any support for him in terms of mentoring/coaching? For example through Access to Work or similar? They would have specialist advice for you on helping him understand these things and prepare for independent living.

I think you need to change the way you explain to him why and what he is paying for. When you give him the "real world" argument and he says it isn't relevant because he is living at home then that isn't sinking in. Instead I would say to him that when you are an adult and earning everyone has to pay something towards their living costs, whether at home or away. "You can't live for free son, not at your age" and end the conversation there.

Ds2 paid me 20% of his earnings after he'd finished college.

They high partly because I was a solo parent and he was costing me extra in things like losing the council tax discount after he hit 18.

Ds1 returned briefly after uni, but he was actively looking for a flat so I didn't charge him rent

They both moved out last year and my costs plummeted. Amazing how much electricity was used in running high end gaming pcs 24/7.

My BiL is 61 and still lives at home with his Mum. He pays her money towards his keep but because he still lives at home she has to pay full council tax so it costs her 25 percent council tax on top of food and utilities to have him still live there.

I think it is reasonable and that you need to get him to set up a standing order so there isn't the monthly argument.

Does he understand the explanation that the food he eats costs money, so if he isn't paying for it, his parents are?

Is there a future plan for him to be able to move somewhere like supported living? As you get older and retire, your income will reduce, so living off you forever isn't viable. I may well be in the same situation as you when my kids are older and am hoping to be able to move somewhere that can fit a garden room so they can have more independence while still being supported.

No you most definitely are not being unreasonable - should actually be a bit more TBH. All the more important in your son’s case as he’s having difficulty grasping concept of budgeting.

Mind you, he will have a better handle on things than the adult offspring of those who would never take dig money and consider it “grabby”. You are being a far more responsible parent than that cohort OP.

I've not read any replies to my comment, I have no desire to, it will just be people defending their 'right' to charge their own children and ignoring how grabby it is.

Going by the amount of notifications I've gotten regarding people replying to and quoting me, I appear to have touched a nerve.

If there was no truth it what I was saying, you'd all be far more secure in your decisions to do so, so what's the problem? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Rhetorical question, again, I won't be reading responses or I'll get sucked in and i don't have any desire to be.

You do what you want, but it doesn't sit right with me, so I won't.