10% of income is fair ‘rent’

[Itisneverfair]

Ds (23) lives at home and works part time. He has adhd and slight learning disabilities.

We have been charging him 10% of what he earns as ‘rent’ to try and get him used to paying his way etc as he struggles with managing money. He’s saying it’s not fair he pays it but he is angry about it every month.

AIBU to think that it’s an ok amount ?

10% is very little so he should be grateful. I think it’s bad to let adult DC live with you without them contributing financially in some way.

YANBU but he seems to struggle with the concept of money anyway. Also from his POV nothing has changed, but he now has to hand over cash.
The only way he will understand is if he stops paying and there are actually consequences.

I'm wondering whether something physical will work? Like making him do the food shop instead?

YABU as 10% is bugger all!

He's not a kid, he's an adult. It's good for them to pay their way and learn some skills about living in the world as an adult.

You need to show him more of the costs of "living at home". His presence will add to your utility bills and grocery shopping. If he doesn't want to pay rent he could try buying all his own food and toiletries for a month.

We have been charging him 10% of what he earns as ‘rent’ to try and get him used to paying his way

Far too little if the long-term plan is for him to learn how to budget for the time when he moves into supported housing to live more independently.

10% seems very little.

I worked out what mine pay by showing them exactly what costs are included. A food contribution, phone payment, contribution to streaming services, medical insurance, etc. It doesn't cover their costs but it gives them some experience of budgeting and costs. It's perfectly fair they contribute.

I didn't ask to be born either but my parents haven't paid for me at all since I was 17.

Regarding the slight learning disability I can understand him needing things explained slowly & clearly, things like how much he costs you to live there in food, heating etc. But I don't understand what ADHD has to do with this?

At that age a good 40-50% of my salary went on rent & household bills and that was in a shared house with 4 other people!
10% isn’t much at all. Does it even cover his share of water, heating etc bills???

There's something known as the ADHD tax to describe the financial cost of not attending to detail about paying for things in time to get the early rate or paying late penalty fees etc.

Professor Kirby says many ADHD'ers also have dyscalculia - a condition that makes it hard to process number-based information. This means budgeting and financial planning can either be non-existent or highly stressful.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/disability-67945367

I charge my 22 year old dd a set amount rather than it being a percentage of her income. She has asd and suspected ADHD and got into a mess financially when she was living away from home.

It's very little. Is he saving up to move our?

Do you/his dad work? It's your home too. Why does he feel it's OK for you to have to pay for the necessities of life but not him?

10% is way too little!

When I got my first job, I paid half my wages to my Mum for bed and board, and I was only paid the NIC limit at that time which was £32 per week back in 1983!

As my wages increased year on year, I continued to pay 50% right through until I left home.

Out of the half I kept, I bought my own clothes, so the half I paid was to cover most meals, laundry, bedding, and a place over my head.

I didn't begrudge a penny of it, because I could still save out of my half towards moving out after a few years whereas if I'd moved out earlier, all my wages would have gone on flat rental, food, etc., with nothing left over.

After a couple of years, I took a "loan" off my mother to buy a car, and I paid that back monthly too - I was happy in that she didn't charge me interest, so the monthly payments were less than if I'd got HP or a bank loan for the car.

I think it's good enough that parents give a "hand up" to adult children, rather than a "hand out", as it does make adult children "grow up" and be more responsible a lot sooner than just giving them an extended childhood by giving them too much when they should be capable of being semi self sufficient themselves as adults.

@LadyGrinningSoul8517
I'm the same.
Never charged mine..
They bought their own clothes/ toiletiers/ makeup.
That was it..
I didn't use any more water/ gas/ electricity etc than when they were at college before they began work... they didn't suddenly eat more. Everything was still the same.
They worked hard at their first jobs.. gaining experience and moving up.
They needed their own money to get to work/ buy lunch/ save for their own homes.
One started her own business.
When they started earing more. One bought me a new washing machine when mine broke.
Other bought me a dishwasher.
They paid for their own bedrooms decorating / bought new furnishings for them.
But l never charged them board,/ rent etc.
They are my children.
I looked after them when children. Now they look after me when l need it
Just couldn't take their hard earned money.

"I think it's good enough that parents give a "hand up" to adult children, rather than a "hand out", as it does make adult children "grow up" and be more responsible a lot sooner than just giving them an extended childhood by giving them too much when they should be capable of being semi self sufficient themselves as adults."

Absolutely this.

Ds aged 20 (also asd) actually initiated a conversation yesterday where he said he knew he was lucky that I can afford to help him in ways some of his friend's parents can't but that we won't always be around and he needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet.

Tell him adults don't live for free and he is an adult that can choose to live with you for 10% ( that's not enough imo ) or pay more to live elsewhere.

Thanks for this. I will admit that my ADHD has contributed to me getting in trouble financially in the past, mainly down to the impulsiveness in engenders.

I was more thinking of the way it hasn't affected me understanding why I need to pay my own way etc, and does seem to be a bit of an excuse with some people.

When your DC eventually leave home they'll have no idea of budgeting for household costs.

Good for you
But you must be aware that not everyone can afford to keep their grown off spring for nothing?

Also you never know when your circumstances might change. We are wealthy, but dh was taken suddenly ill and had to have 6 months off work. At one point we though he would never work again. He then also lost his job and now has a lower paying one.

This taught us that as well as making sure our kids are ok financially we have to keep an eye on our own future. Our adult children contribute to our household finances on this basis.

When DS moved away for his first "proper" job after graduating, we "helped" him a lot with his flat. The only way he could get a flat was to pay a year's rent upfront, so we paid that and he's paying us back monthly out of his wage. After the year, he'll pay the landlord directly every month.

The flat was unfurnished, so he needed a bed, sofa, wardrobe, drawer unit, desk and chair (partly working from home), and all kitchen/bathroom supplies, microwave, drier, kettle, toaster, etc. Likewise, we bought all that for him, OH built all the flatpack furniture, we waited in his flat over the week to receive deliveries of it all (son's first week at work). We rented a holiday cottage for the week, so he had somewhere "nice" to live during the week that we were putting his flat together. Again, other than the cottage rent, he's paying us back monthly for it all, and is happy to do so.

He's said many times how thankful and grateful he was to us for taking a week out and setting up his flat. All that time and effort we spent means more to him than the monetary side of it. It meant that he could concentrate on his job and didn't have to worry about deliveries/buying stuff/setting up his flat - once it was all set up, he could literally just come home and it was all ready for him to chill after a hard days' work.

We won't be doing it again. He knows that if/when he moves, he'll have to sort it all himself, in both financial and practical terms, and is happy to do that.

Because we adopted a "hand up rather than hand-out" approach, he's matured really quickly which was our hope and intention.

With him having to pay us back monthly, it reduces his funds so he's careful with what money he has left. He's very much into shopping carefully, i.e. buys load of yellow sticker stuff to freeze, uses clubcard pricing, always on the lookout for BOGOF and other deals, filled his boots last week with the Co-Ops pizza and beer offer for the Euros, etc. They're good habits to get into. If he wasn't paying us back, and had more money "spare" I don't think he'd make as much effort towards cost savings.

I’m 23 too and I pay my parents 20%

I’d say 10% is not enough to be honest.