My wonderful Dh Cheated on me

[Almondmist]

Hello all, so two days ago I was browsing the Internet on our laptop and I clicked on a link to instagram, which was already logged in on my Dh's account. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through his messages (which I have only done one other time during our 10 years together). I saw he had sent a direct message to a model who lives in the same city as us, it read "hello love! I would love to meet you", it also said underneath the message 'invite sent', I don't use social media but I assume it's an invite to chat. The model never responded.

I'm in shock as he's never done this before and he has always been to most devoted husband and father. We have married acquaintances and family members we know that have cheated on thier spouses or that flirt with others and he always berates these people so this has come as a huge shock to me. He has always shown himself to be a man of honour and has always given me everything i wanted and needed. Whenever I'm unwell he will always help nurse me back to health. My family always tell me how lucky I am and I believed it.

I confronted him and he admitted it, saying it was a moment of weakness and that he would never actually meet her. I also forwarded a screenshot to his family in our group chat. They told me that they understood my anger but he has not cheated as he never met this woman and that the conversation never went further. I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this. They did however tell him off over the phone as to why he even went to message another woman.
Last night he broke down in tears (which is rare) and profusely apologised after I yelled at him, calling him a hypocrite for criticising others for cheating when he did the same. I can see he feels guilty as he's been going over and beyond helping with looking after the house and children since then.
Is my reaction over the top? Would you class this as cheating?

It's not cheating.

But it's still unacceptable from a married man.

But the only reason it wasn't cheating is because the woman ignored him.

No.

But I would consider this an attempt at cheating.

But, unless he is also model material, it was a far from realistic attempt at cheating.

Do with that what you will!

It’s not cheating, but it shows intention to and that’s a deal breaker for me. He’s been thinking about it, a moment of weakness is a drunken kiss.

I wouldn’t have involved his family though

It certainly shows a complete lack of respect for you and is horrible behaviour. It's a betrayal of trust and a pre-cursor to cheating.

I wouldn’t call this cheating but it definitely crosses a line. But then to be honest I think you’ve crossed a line by sending a screenshot of it to his family in a group chat as well, it has absolutely nothing to do with them

Why is it not cheating? He’s actively seeking out other women & saying he’d love to
meet them! He’s not acting like a committed spouse.

Wether it’s cheating or not you are shaming him to his own family to cause him pain and are yelling at him. Take a look at your own behaviour too. If you want to leave then leave, why involve his family?

It’s your relationship, so the only person who gets to define cheating is you.

No, I don’t think you are overreacting. Firstly because it’s a horrible thing for him to have done and secondly because I doubt it’s the first time he’s tried his luck.

I don’t know what I’d do in your position but my marriage would be severely on the rocks.

I would certainly call this cheating. He's trying to meet other women. Eventually one will respond.

Why are some of you minimising this?

he hasn't actually cheated but he's obviously shown you his real colours now and I wouldn't trust him.

I'd consider that a huge betrayal and definitely shows that he was in the mindset to deceive you by actively pursuing another woman.

I would be devastated too. So torn as to what to advise because it's such a personal decision. Sadly he's damaged your marriage significantly, because you now know that he's not what he led you to believe and that's hard to move on from.

It was unacceptable and an attempt at cheating, although very unlikely to be successful. I think sharing this on a family group chat wasn’t the way to deal with it.

@Almondmist how old are your children?

Personally I think I’d consider this to be on a similar level to drunkenly kissing someone. Yes a kiss is physical and this isn’t but clearly this was considered and he chose to pursue this woman with a clear head. That’s pretty shitty.
I don’t think sending it to his family was the best move but you were in emotional distress and I don’t think I can judge too harshly there.

Yes I agree it's cheating.

I must say I don't know why you involved his family though. Surely the matter is between you and your DH? Is it normal for you to play out your relationship issues infront of relatives?

100% this, OP is no angel here. Toxic on both sides

Why not? Their response may go some way to show whether this is typical behaviour for him. Unfortunately, for some men it is.

it’s not cheating as nothing happened but his intention was there. I think posting it on the family what’s app was out of order, and probably something you’ll regret when things are rosy again

I think it crosses the line but what’s the likelihood of a model responding to him over Instagram for a quick hook up unless it’s prostitution? It also seems incredibly unlikely that you’ve checked his messages twice in a decade and that is the one occasion this has happened. There is probably far more you are unaware of. Perhaps he enjoys the thrill of sexting strangers or maybe he is looking elsewhere for sex.

I’m not really sure what you hoped to gain by sharing with his family especially since they have clearly taken his side which is just going to reinforce his view that it was ok to do.

Regardless of what he says or others on this thread, he isn’t content with being faithful and is that something you can work on or get over? For some, this would be a deal breaker and if it is for you, then it’s quite ok to move on.

No he's not cheated he's not even had a conversation with her... however be on guard 💂‍♂️ going forward. I'm Italian yes flirting Is pretty accepted in this culture

Why do you think this is the only time he’s done anything like this?

Well he's been a twat but I'm not sure if I'd call it cheating. Probably only because she didn't reply and he got nothing out of it.

Bit shitty for posting it on the group chat. If you don't want to be with him anymore then leave and explain if they ask but it has nothing to do with them. If you're going to stay with him then you're just involving them for the sake of it.

Exposing somebody In a group chat I'd argue Is worse.

Why would you go running straight to his family with screenshots?

Yes, he’s in the wrong, but doing that is immature and dramatic.