My wonderful Dh Cheated on me

[Almondmist]

Hello all, so two days ago I was browsing the Internet on our laptop and I clicked on a link to instagram, which was already logged in on my Dh's account. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through his messages (which I have only done one other time during our 10 years together). I saw he had sent a direct message to a model who lives in the same city as us, it read "hello love! I would love to meet you", it also said underneath the message 'invite sent', I don't use social media but I assume it's an invite to chat. The model never responded.

I'm in shock as he's never done this before and he has always been to most devoted husband and father. We have married acquaintances and family members we know that have cheated on thier spouses or that flirt with others and he always berates these people so this has come as a huge shock to me. He has always shown himself to be a man of honour and has always given me everything i wanted and needed. Whenever I'm unwell he will always help nurse me back to health. My family always tell me how lucky I am and I believed it.

I confronted him and he admitted it, saying it was a moment of weakness and that he would never actually meet her. I also forwarded a screenshot to his family in our group chat. They told me that they understood my anger but he has not cheated as he never met this woman and that the conversation never went further. I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this. They did however tell him off over the phone as to why he even went to message another woman.
Last night he broke down in tears (which is rare) and profusely apologised after I yelled at him, calling him a hypocrite for criticising others for cheating when he did the same. I can see he feels guilty as he's been going over and beyond helping with looking after the house and children since then.
Is my reaction over the top? Would you class this as cheating?

Your reaction is worse than the deed itself. What did you hope to gain by sending the screenshot to his family?

Unlike yours, my post was not patronising. I merely asked why someone would share their marital difficulties in a family whatsapp group
Do you read every thread and then reprimand, sorry patronise, everyone who quotes the post they are responding to?

Its cheating because he stepped outside the agreed parameters of their relationship. To me, it would be irrelevant that she didn't respond. The intent was there on his part and, OP, you don't know whether he's ever done similar before or will again.

For me, the security and sanctity of the relationship would have been blown. The protective bubble that is around you both as committed monogamous partners would now be blown.

The problem with this sort of behaviour (whether successful or not) is that it shatters the boundary of the relationship and the trust. Next time he goes out alone, works late, pops out unexpectedly, is on his phone there will be doubt. Whereas, previously, there wouldn't have been. It's introduced a negative element to the relationship that wasn't there before.

He didn't cheat, but only because she didn't reply. If she had replied he'd have continued chatting her up. It's also very telling that the first thing he said was that he'd love to meet her. Not hi, or to tell her he thought she was good looking but that he'd love to meet! If she'd said yes OK let's meet, would he have gone is the question.

I wouldn't be happy about this either, people can call it a mistake but to me trying to open up communication with another woman that he clearly fancies doesn't put him in 'lovely husband' territory x

100% with bells on top if somebody was actually cheated on go ahead message them... ya sons cheated with the child minder we are done and btw hate your steak pie Kathy! 🥧 just bringing them in as a weird lil jab nah lol.

As for people criticising the OP for sharing the screenshots.

When peopemare in shock or distressed, they sometimes do things that they wouldn't normally do or react in ways they wouldn't have expected. That's what shock does to you.

Not only that but whenever women post on here because their partner has cheated/tried to cheat/contacted prostitutes/whatever but are dealing with it alone, they are often told not to. To be open. To tell his family what he has done. Don't protect him!

So what I'm taking from this thread is that the correct course of action is just the opposite to whatever the OP did 👍🏻

He had a message ignored on Instagram I'd argue that all he did was embarrass himself ( in this incident ) I guarantee if she dug deeper hes most likely got he's end away that's what I'd of exposed...

I'm in shock as he's never done this before

I'm afraid that's not something I'd want to assume - after all what are the chances of you having caught him the very first time?

What to do about it is entirely your choice of course, but it might be wise to come to terms with exactly what you're likely to be dealing with here ...

I think you're probably right about there being more to discover.

Not the same obviously, but I was talking to a police officer once about men who commit (generally premeditated) sexual offences. He said that someone would have to be 'extremely unlucky' to get caught the first time. Because the first time, they are nervous, they cover their tracks, they make sure they're 'safe'. As time goes on, and they havent been caught, they become more confident and they slip up.

Men (people?) who cheat are similar in that respect. As time goes by, they forget to clear a history, delete a chat, check their pockets...

It's one of the reasons I'd never give a second chance to someone I discovered doing anything that stepped outside the boundaries of a relationship. Its unlikely to he the first time they've done it but this time they just got sloppy.

I'd say the OP has ended her marriage by involving the parents. But maybe that was subconsciously what she wanted to do. If everyone knows, there's no chance of sweeping it under the carpet and pretending it didn't happen.

I wouldn't of said one word to him or them I wouidnt of alerted him I'd be making myself dating profiles to weed him out and I'd of waited for the opportunity to get to the mothership ( hes phone ) he's out there somewhere hopefully getting blanked and damaging he's ago. But an opening message of I wanna meet you makes me think 🤔 is it an escort he messaged

I hope Mr Wannabe Or Possibly Already An Adulterer was humiliated. He deserves that and more.

Yes he was out of order for messaging another woman. Was it an escort or an actual model he asked to meet up with - if the later one then no chance and he probably knew this, so nothing would happen anyway maybe just an ego thing. However yes very wrong and he should not have been looking or messaged another woman.

But I feel you was very wrong too. I can't believe you sent this to his family... why would you do this. Nothing to do with his family, you must feel very insecure and hoped they would tell him off and have your back and make him see sense.

Coming from an Italian heritage myself, some Italian men are very loyal and some are cheating arseholes like any other. From your post, it sounds like you have a good one. Hopefully it was just a one off nothing was going to happen and he won't consider it in the future.

If you have a good relationship in all ways including physical then no need for them to look or feel they need to look any further.

Doesn't matter if it was cheating or not, it's a shitty thing to do.

And I bet it wasn't the first time either.

From your post, it sounds like you have a good one.

Sheesh, that's your definition of a "good" husband?? I despair.

Raise your bar, please

Coming from an Italian heritage myself, some Italian men are very loyal and some are cheating arseholes like any other. From your post, it sounds like you have a good one. Hopefully it was just a one off nothing was going to happen and he won't consider it in the future.

He's a 'good one'. Wut??? Seriously?
Jesus H Christ, some women have appallingly low standards for men.

Would he message a car dealership and ask to make an appointment for a test drive if he 'wasn't going to really turn up' ?

Of course not.

He's reached the point in the relationship where other women are more attractive to him than you and he wanting to spend time with them.

It's a horrible thing to accept but one that should make you feel stronger in dealing with him and not taking any more lies or crap from him.

@RedQuail if the post was the other way round - a husband saying that his wife had messaged a random guy for a meet up but that the guy hadnt replied, so no meet up took place, would you be telling him "Oh you are a lucky guy, you've a good wife there!"?

Actually I will answer for you - no you wouldnt. Not in any world is that the definition of a "good" spouse.

It's not cheating but it is disloyal to you.

Sharing with his family is over sharing though and out of order. As is the casual racism in this sentence "I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this.".

@HaveAWordWithYerselfWouldYa It came out wrong, I was referring to when OP said she had a good husband or the family was telling her that. I am not saying that. I have already stated it is very wrong.

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Racism 🤣 I mean to be fair, a lot of people who say they are Italian on this thread have stated that this is just how Italians behave and that their families accept it too.

I know a socialist teacher from Turin and he says he hates men who behave like that, wherever they come from.

This has evoked a memory from when I was in a relationship with an Italian where one married Italian was saying to another 'let's go out and find nice girls'. I thought they were joking but probably not. I also suspected my bf to have cheated on me, though I never had proof. We're no longer together but he still claims to love me (yeah right)

It's not racist to point out cultural norms. It wouldn't be racist to say that in the UK we tend to put our children to bed at 7pm instead of letting them stay up until midnight.

How is it not racist to say "or is this just because he's Italian"?

Because its about Italian Cultural Gendered expectations and not the race of Italians.

Ok. I think a lot of people would disagree that it's a cultural expectation, especially if they're in their 30s or under.