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Original poster

My wonderful Dh Cheated on me

213 replies

Almondmist · 14/07/2024 22:10

Hello all, so two days ago I was browsing the Internet on our laptop and I clicked on a link to instagram, which was already logged in on my Dh's account. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through his messages (which I have only done one other time during our 10 years together). I saw he had sent a direct message to a model who lives in the same city as us, it read "hello love! I would love to meet you", it also said underneath the message 'invite sent', I don't use social media but I assume it's an invite to chat. The model never responded.

I'm in shock as he's never done this before and he has always been to most devoted husband and father. We have married acquaintances and family members we know that have cheated on thier spouses or that flirt with others and he always berates these people so this has come as a huge shock to me. He has always shown himself to be a man of honour and has always given me everything i wanted and needed. Whenever I'm unwell he will always help nurse me back to health. My family always tell me how lucky I am and I believed it.

I confronted him and he admitted it, saying it was a moment of weakness and that he would never actually meet her. I also forwarded a screenshot to his family in our group chat. They told me that they understood my anger but he has not cheated as he never met this woman and that the conversation never went further. I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this. They did however tell him off over the phone as to why he even went to message another woman.
Last night he broke down in tears (which is rare) and profusely apologised after I yelled at him, calling him a hypocrite for criticising others for cheating when he did the same. I can see he feels guilty as he's been going over and beyond helping with looking after the house and children since then.
Is my reaction over the top? Would you class this as cheating?

OP posts:
GrumpyMiddleAgedCow · 14/07/2024 22:24

He tried to cheat and got turned down and that’s an incredibly hurtful thing that I couldn’t forgive. However, why on this gods earth you sent it to his family I have no idea, surely their reaction has nothing to do with how this impacts your relationship?

Emmanuelll · 14/07/2024 22:25

What else has he done and got away with though?

I see the typical victim blaming on MN as usual. If you were upset that your dh was trying to hook up with another woman, I suspect you'd want to get it off your chest.

BouquetGarni224 · 14/07/2024 22:25

I love how families are very close, and can be "all up in your business" to use a US phrase....

and aren't Italian families famous for that?

..... but somehow when it comes to something fundamental to family life (fidelity and loyalty) .... It's not their business, they shouldn't be told and it's between only you two.

(These are the people op is probably expected to host, cook for, spend extensive amounts of time with, take an interest in their lives, possibly support them in old age ....and who presumably have a lot to do with the children of this marriage).

That's just facilitating the cheater/potential cheater ..... Why should they have privacy and a cover-up of their lack of loyalty and attempts to be unfaithful? Why should the
op pretend to them nothing has happened when something fundamentally has.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/07/2024 22:26

MounjaroUser · 14/07/2024 22:13

But the only reason it wasn't cheating is because the woman ignored him.

Yes

Ahsoka2001 · 14/07/2024 22:27

Cheating by definition involves interaction with another person so it doesn’t count as there was no response BUT still not acceptable for a married man.

BowlOfNoodles · 14/07/2024 22:28

Emmanuelll · 14/07/2024 22:25

What else has he done and got away with though?

I see the typical victim blaming on MN as usual. If you were upset that your dh was trying to hook up with another woman, I suspect you'd want to get it off your chest.

To your own family not in hes family group chat that's wild lol

Luminousalumnus · 14/07/2024 22:28

I think sharing it on the chat was a stroke of genius. He shouldn't do stuff that he isn't happy to stand by in public. Plus as his family have supported you and told him off it confirms to him that this is not okay. He was shamed and he should be ashamed.
That said, I wouldn't be leaving him if this is the extent of his cheating. I would expect him to now realise what he stands to lose and improve his behaviour.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 14/07/2024 22:29

He didn't cheat and he must have known this woman wouldn't respond in a million years so it was probably just fantasy land rather than a real attempt but that doesn't mean it's ok by any means!

CyanideShake · 14/07/2024 22:29

Meh. I think OP was within her rights to post to the family chat.

KreedKafer · 14/07/2024 22:29

I suspect he knew she was well out his league and was highly unlikely to want to meet him. I think if she’d said yes, he’d have got nothing more than an ego boost from it and wouldn’t have done anything. So I wouldn’t personally count it as ‘cheating’. I’d be angry, but I don’t think I’d end a happy marriage over this one incident alone, if it was out of character and a one-off.

However, it’s your marriage and if you think this is something worth ending your relationship over, you’re absolutely entitled to do that. We’re all different and we all have different dealbreakers.

Where you are out of order, in my opinion, is when you shared this with his family. Don’t drag them into it. Have some dignity.

Ruelzdontapply · 14/07/2024 22:30

He hasn't cheated.
He attempted to cheat.

I don't think exposing him in the family chat was the best move.

gamerchick · 14/07/2024 22:30

Fucking hell, big of an overreaction dragging his family into it like OP. If he had actually cheated would you have cut his knackers off?

It's inappropriate and you can leave him for any reason but reacting like that is weird.

Emmanuelll · 14/07/2024 22:31

BowlOfNoodles · 14/07/2024 22:28

To your own family not in hes family group chat that's wild lol

Show quote history

No it’s not ‘wild’. If they break up, his family will know exactly why and he won’t have the chance to make up a lying cover story.

Stop bullying the OP. It’s very possible that he’s been cheating on her for years.

BouquetGarni224 · 14/07/2024 22:31

and he must have known this woman wouldn't respond in a million years

How would he (or you) know that?

She might request payment and he might have expected such a request.

Shardonneigghhh · 14/07/2024 22:32

I don't think her informing his family of what he did is the issue here. He shouldn't be behaving in a way that he wouldn't want his family to know about.

It would be game over for me. I wouldn't be able to trust him and that's not how I want to spend my life.

Klippityklopp · 14/07/2024 22:33

Did he cheat? No
Did he try and cheat? Yes
Did he want to cheat? Yes

KreedKafer · 14/07/2024 22:34

If you were upset that your dh was trying to hook up with another woman, I suspect you'd want to get it off your chest.

Not by sharing it with family, I wouldn’t. I can’t think of anything worse than dragging people into it, trying to make them take sides etc, because I personally have no desire to live like a character in EastEnders. Just makes a bad situation worse and stirs up extra drama.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 14/07/2024 22:34

It's not cheating but it is a massive disrespect. Where is your joint money? He sounds dumb enough to send money to 'models'. I don't think forwarding the screen shot to his family was the right thing to do, you are a grown woman not 12 years old.

BouquetGarni224 · 14/07/2024 22:35

Have some dignity.

It's not dignity to keep your spouse's infidelity and attempted infidelity secret.

I strongly disagree with all this shaming of op for letting his family know he's tried to cheat on her.

Cover for him and let his family think he's a great guy and let him twist things if they ever break up .... Nah, fuck that.

If he's a big enough boy to message women online asking to meet while married with kids; he's a big enough boy for his family to know that about him.

BowlOfNoodles · 14/07/2024 22:36

Emmanuelll · 14/07/2024 22:31

No it’s not ‘wild’. If they break up, his family will know exactly why and he won’t have the chance to make up a lying cover story.

Stop bullying the OP. It’s very possible that he’s been cheating on her for years.

Show quote history

Nah she's embarrassed them by dragging them into it it's not dignified he's not 10 I'm telling ya mommy? Fair enough if she told them she was leaving him for actually cheating but he was blanked on Instagram lol

Wtafdidido · 14/07/2024 22:36

Mrsttcno1 · 14/07/2024 22:15

I wouldn’t call this cheating but it definitely crosses a line. But then to be honest I think you’ve crossed a line by sending a screenshot of it to his family in a group chat as well, it has absolutely nothing to do with them

This

bunsnroses1 · 14/07/2024 22:36

So sorry OP. What sort of model is she? I don’t think it’s uncommon for Instagram models to work as escorts, they travel round the country meeting clients they attract through their Instagram page. The phrase ‘I would love to meet you’ as an opening line makes me suspicious there could be more to this.

tiredbutstillawake · 14/07/2024 22:37

There'd be no going back for me.

BouquetGarni224 · 14/07/2024 22:37

I don't think her informing his family of what he did is the issue here. He shouldn't be behaving in a way that he wouldn't want his family to know about.

Hear hear.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 14/07/2024 22:38

Well I wouldn’t have got his family involved, that’s a bit dirty linen in public.
And you have to wonder why he did it and it might be first time you found out but is it the first time he’s tried to meet with another woman ( I don’t understand the model part, was she somehow advertising for men to meet her or he just sent a random message?)

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