My wonderful Dh Cheated on me

[Almondmist]

Hello all, so two days ago I was browsing the Internet on our laptop and I clicked on a link to instagram, which was already logged in on my Dh's account. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through his messages (which I have only done one other time during our 10 years together). I saw he had sent a direct message to a model who lives in the same city as us, it read "hello love! I would love to meet you", it also said underneath the message 'invite sent', I don't use social media but I assume it's an invite to chat. The model never responded.

I'm in shock as he's never done this before and he has always been to most devoted husband and father. We have married acquaintances and family members we know that have cheated on thier spouses or that flirt with others and he always berates these people so this has come as a huge shock to me. He has always shown himself to be a man of honour and has always given me everything i wanted and needed. Whenever I'm unwell he will always help nurse me back to health. My family always tell me how lucky I am and I believed it.

I confronted him and he admitted it, saying it was a moment of weakness and that he would never actually meet her. I also forwarded a screenshot to his family in our group chat. They told me that they understood my anger but he has not cheated as he never met this woman and that the conversation never went further. I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this. They did however tell him off over the phone as to why he even went to message another woman.
Last night he broke down in tears (which is rare) and profusely apologised after I yelled at him, calling him a hypocrite for criticising others for cheating when he did the same. I can see he feels guilty as he's been going over and beyond helping with looking after the house and children since then.
Is my reaction over the top? Would you class this as cheating?

Italian men are so tiresome. You are quite right to tell his family...after ten years they are your family too. Until they aren't. And now they aren't. I'd blow him out.

It’s cheating you said you have never checked over his Instagram before and when you do you find that he has offered himself on a plate whether someone takes him or not.
what is wrong with men ? My spouse used my tik tok whilst I was out he was looking over younger woman and I might add there was a missed call on my wattapp and he called it back they did not answer is this cheating ?

He didn't actually cheat but he made moves that way. That would be enough to end the trust for me.

I have no problem with things having been sent to family.

Can’t understand why you sent the screen shot to his family? Why air your dirty laundry? Yes, I’d hit the roof but I always put in a united front. Don’t burden his parents with your marriage troubles.

He’s an asshole, but it’s not cheating. The girl never replied. It’s the modern day equivalent of a man walking up to a pretty girl in a club and asking to buy her a drink. The girl looks at the old married man as if he’s a a peice of shit on his shoe and walks away.

'I'm in shock as he's never done this before '
But if you only found out about it by accident, then how do you know?

To be faithful means to be trustworthy and loyal. I wouldn’t define his behaviour as trustworthy.

No he hasn’t had sex with someone or started a relationship. But what would have happened if she had replied and agreed to meet up?

If you are loyal and faithful to your wife why the fuck would you message another women and ask to meet her?

I would be raging and I’m not sure I would trust him again. What a dick.

It feels different to meeting someone in a club and chatting to them. There is an element of this that is opportunistic and just a bit of banter. Actually messaging someone to ask to meet feels different?

Life experience has taught me the ones who believe they have squeaky clean, “perfect” husbands, are always married to the worst cheaters. He was trying to meet a woman. She turned him down. What else don’t you know about? Don’t be naive.

He said "he would never meet her" NO SHE would never meet him.

His intention and actions were to cheat.
Her not responding is neither here nor there.
He showed you where his head is at.
I would think this should be a huge wake up call that he is indeed a dishonest hypocrite.
His family naturally defended him.
Your decision to inform His family may not be to everyone's taste but you have put it our there so there is no need to waste energy in pretending it is business as usual.
You need to decide what you want now that you see your husband more clearly.
Good luck.

Why the fuck have you titled your post 'wonderful DH cheated'. He hasn't. He's just chatted. And yes I get that what he's done is wrong, I think you are being very sledgehammer and nut with this. You need to find out why he was looking elsewhere even though he did nothing about it.

It’s definitely crossed a line and would probably of been cheating if she entertained him! I wouldn’t say dump/divorce considering the situation but I’d definitely say he has lots of making up to do! One more strike and I’d be gone :)

I think it’s cheating. The intent was there. What if she responded and he had another moment of weakness?

A man is only as loyal as his options. Had she responded, he likely would have cheated.

The intent is enough.

”you need to find out why he was looking elsewhere”… fuck that! He was looking elsewhere because he feels entitled to. Him looking elsewhere has absolutely nothing to do with the OP.

A man can have the hottest wife who gives him sex and home cooked meals daily. That never stops him cheating. A man/woman cheating has zero reflection on their partner. They cheat because they’re arseholes. It is NOT up to the OP to find out why. Jeeeez.

He did nothing about it? You mean he wasn't able to do anything about it after he did the act of looking her up and messaging her, right? Because the woman didn't reply. I wonder if your response would be the same if the wife was out oggling and messaging strange men for a meet up. The OP decides what constitutes cheating in her relationship, not you.

His intention was to meet another woman, even if she didn't reply

How can you trust he hasn't done this before?

This.

If you felt he had true intentions, leave, as he obviously want to look elsewhere. But from his point of view, if this was a curiosity, with no intentions, if I were the guy, I would end it with you for sending that to my family. That would have crossed my line. That's basically trying to smear his image with his family.

Why wash your dirty linen in public? There was no need to share this with family, it's a private matter
Good grief, why does everyone have to share everyting with everybody these days?

So a man betrays his wife and tries his best to cheat, and yet she is the bad one for telling the truth to the family that raised him to think this is acceptable?

Good on you, OP.

As the old saying almost goes, if he wanted his wife to speak well of him, he should have behaved better.

It is cheating. He asked to meet another woman who just so happened to not reply. Don't talk utter rubbish.

Polite notice but you could not quote the original post you really don't need to we all know what it says. You could have just written your patronising post without the need to quote.

I agree the thread title was misleading it's the same vein as liking somebody's pictures 📸 he thinks she's fit? Cheater 😂

Don't obsess over Definitions of cheating and don't involve his family any further.

Sit down and have a conversation with him. Why did he do it? What was he hoping would happen? Does he recognise what he did was wrong? Is he prepared to do some marriage counselling?

These are the conversations to have, assuming you love him and want to continue the marriage.

If you don't then tell him he's crossed a line that is that and make plans to divorce.

It sounds toxic between both of you:

you’ve checked his phone in the past and the first chance you got checked it again and found what you were looking for.

You went straight to airing it all with his family and I think unless you’re leaving him that’s a wrong move because they’ll probably never let you forget this either, they’ll never really believe he’s happy with you.

He’s clearly done this before, no one messages one random woman twice and it goes no further. You've just never found messages before.

You obviously knew something was wrong in the relationship or you wouldn’t have gone looking for evidence.

Either way neither of you sound particularly happy in this despite your title. Wonderful husbands don’t need surveillance and don’t message Instagram models.