My wonderful Dh Cheated on me

[Almondmist]

Hello all, so two days ago I was browsing the Internet on our laptop and I clicked on a link to instagram, which was already logged in on my Dh's account. Curiosity got the better of me and I went through his messages (which I have only done one other time during our 10 years together). I saw he had sent a direct message to a model who lives in the same city as us, it read "hello love! I would love to meet you", it also said underneath the message 'invite sent', I don't use social media but I assume it's an invite to chat. The model never responded.

I'm in shock as he's never done this before and he has always been to most devoted husband and father. We have married acquaintances and family members we know that have cheated on thier spouses or that flirt with others and he always berates these people so this has come as a huge shock to me. He has always shown himself to be a man of honour and has always given me everything i wanted and needed. Whenever I'm unwell he will always help nurse me back to health. My family always tell me how lucky I am and I believed it.

I confronted him and he admitted it, saying it was a moment of weakness and that he would never actually meet her. I also forwarded a screenshot to his family in our group chat. They told me that they understood my anger but he has not cheated as he never met this woman and that the conversation never went further. I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this. They did however tell him off over the phone as to why he even went to message another woman.
Last night he broke down in tears (which is rare) and profusely apologised after I yelled at him, calling him a hypocrite for criticising others for cheating when he did the same. I can see he feels guilty as he's been going over and beyond helping with looking after the house and children since then.
Is my reaction over the top? Would you class this as cheating?

Proper order.

There'd a whole lot less messing around by men - including sex industry use - if their families knew what they were at. Why should women swallow all the pain and distress , cover for them, and let everyone think they're great family men when they are not.

oH THAT would break your heart. You want to respect him, and now, even if you can forgive him, how can you respect him. He went LOOKING to cheat. It's not even like he grew close to somebody at work or through his hobby. He sent unsolicited messages to women (plural, no doubt) to chat.

Posting it in family whatsapp a bit cringe but still, I would be very turned off in your shoes.

Some men just cheat. Don't make out that it's the OP's fault.

It’s not cheating HOWEVER it a betrayal & he would have cheated if she’d have agreed to it. It didn’t happen because she didn’t respond not because he couldn’t go through with it so even though it’s not technically cheating I couldn’t move past the fact he wanted to & he would have if she would have.

i wouldn’t have posted the screenshot to the family chat though, not until I’d gotten my ducks in a row so to speak & decided what I was going to do. All that’s happened now is that they’ve been brought into the family drama before anything has been resolved between you one way or another so it might make everything more complex moving forward

Indeed.

He hasn't cheated although what he has done is unacceptable.
But you have also acted very childish putting it on a group chat.

I wouldn’t call it cheating but I wouldn’t be happy either. How do you know he hadn’t done it before? I often think those that are highly critical of cheaters etc sometimes are themselves. I wouldn’t have involved his family it was between the 2 of you.

All the stiff upper lipped English people appalled at her posting to the family chat. They're Italian, different rules apply. Not everyone is into quiet stoicism.

No one would say that would be fine but they would say you didn’t steal anything. They’d say it was a betrayal & the intent to steal was there, which is just as bad, however in your example nothing was stolen & in her story there was no actual cheating. He betrayed her & he would have cheated given the opportunity, however he didn’t cheat, he planned to cheat which is just as bad

This incident isn't cheating, but it is a betrayal of trust. Doesn't mean he has or hasn't cheated previously. It's just a snapshot in time.

But dragging the rest of his family into it and trying to shame him on a family chat isn't great on your part either.

It’s not cheating to me,but he has a desire to cheat.he feels something is lacking in your relationship that needs to be addressed

I hate to break it to you, and I'm extremely surprised that you need it broken to you, but some people are just cheaters. There is nothing lacking in their relationship other thB that they are bored with monogamy.

Lots of people get bored fucking the same person/just one person; the decent ones put up with it or end the relationship (usually put up with it if kids are involved), the not decent ones cheat.

Sorry I wasn't more clear for you. My personal opinion - like everyone posts on here - is that checking her husband's personal messages, and attempting to shame him by sending a private argument to his family are behaviours that plenty of people wouldn't tolerate from their spouse. Just like cheating. That kind of possessive and manipulative behaviour is a deal breaker (for me, just so we're clear 😄), just as much as cheating is (for me). So yes, they're as bad as each other (in my personal opinion... can I stop explaining that now?) They should get therapy or end their marriage. Who would want to be with someone that spiteful anyway? Who would want to be with a cheater? Doomed unless they seek help for their behaviours.

He didn't cheat. He sent a message that depending on the way you read it , could have led to cheating but you don't know that. Your title is misleading

I don't think it was wise to screenshot and send to family WhatsApp. What actual good could come of this ? You just need to decide how much his message hurt you and your relationship and then move on (even if it's without him, that's of course your right).

If you continue with him then only do so if you think there is the potential to could trust him again. If not the relationship is gone.

Everyone has their own boundaries and if you are married you should each know each other's boundaries. So whether it's cheating is for you two to know. Personally, I wouldn't have had a problem with that message alone.

I think you were unreasonable to bring his family into your argument by sending them a screenshot. Why make them feel upset and awkward for something he has done? That would cross a boundary for me!

Its unacceptable behaviour on his part... and who knows if its his first attempt? I'm sorry to say it, but it would be a bit of a coincidence if the very first time he attempts to connect with another woman, you should discover it.

That said, what was the purpose of sending a screen shot to the family?

Personally, I would also be very angry but I would also be embarrassed for him. I would find it a lot harder to accept had it been a “normal” attainable person , not a model where his chances are likely 0.
it does however show he is lusting after another which some may not have a issue with but it’s down to each individual. I would find it hard to believe he wouldn’t look at other women again.

If she’d replied with a time and place, he’d probably have cheated. When this has died down he may try again with someone else.

I would highly doubt that this is the first time he’s done such a thing. What are the chances that it’s the first time and you coincidentally stumble upon it? Close to zero I’d say. At best he’s a letch.

Someone I knew said his reason for cheating on his wife of 18 years with a sex worker was 'I wanted a different body'.

That's what it boils down to for lots of men. It's not acceptable and nobody should be taking his side. If he didn't do this, the op wouldn't need to have told his family.

Don't want to not f* all different people? then the best thing to do is don't get married and don't have children who also get hurt.

They told me that they understood my anger but he has not cheated as he never met this woman and that the conversation never went further. I don't know if this a cultural thing (they're italian) and normal for italian men to behave like this

This behaviour is no more normal or acceptable among Italian men than it is among British men. Whether or not you want to call it 'cheating' is irrelevant, but I would not be happy if my hypothetical husband did this. Nor would I expect him to be happy about me running to a family chat group to tell them about it.

I'm sure they'll recover.

And I'm sure there were interested in everything else in op and her h's life, their kids etc.
You don't get to cherry pick what you want to know about your child's marriage. Especially when they are trashing it.

She clearly felt his parents should know about how he's behaved, and she's justified in that.

As I said, if you're a big enough boy to try to cheat on your wife & mother of your kids; you're a big enough boy for people to know about it.

You could have just quoted my whole comment in your first reply...

It is possessive behaviour. If my husband was logged into something I would just logout and use my own account. My first instinct isn't to check his messages. I haven't done that once in over 10yrs. I mean, her instincts were right... but what does that say about their marriage? Their were cracks to begin with. So the thread title means what?

He is what my Italian best friend calls uno stronzo. (Massa fecale solida di forma cindricale).

@Mrsttcno1 wrote: I'm not sure if I'd call it cheating. Probably only because she didn't reply and he got nothing out of it.

I'd call it exactly that. The thought is father to the deed, after all. His head is in that space. He is up for a shag, make no mistake about that. FFS. As women we don't have to have standards that are on the bloody ground or lower!!!

Flirting is accepted in "Italian culture" - puh-leeze! Like I said, uno stronzo.

Most Italian men stray at some point. It is just a cultural fact. Even the goody two shoes butter wouldn't melt one's. The one's that don't are an exception to the rule. I speak as an Italian.

I am pretty sure you were kind of aware of this before you married him?
By the way his family won't be shocked, despite what they said to you. They are probably encouraging it behinde your back and having a good laugh at your expense. Because that is what Italian families are like. Yes really!

I don't believe for one minute this is the only time. What if the model said yes?
Why on earth go to the family? Is he 5? This itself is bizarre