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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Turning up to venue uninvited…Why?

385 replies

SweetSouberry · 14/07/2024 18:02

My friend made quite a controversial choice in hosting an event this morning/ lunchtime.

Traditionally the event would be more family orientated with kids running around and hosted in a more ‘domestic’ setting.

She hosted in quite a posh hotel and only invited blood relatives and friends. My husband and sons weren’t invited but I went as the event would hold no interest for them.

Her parents and one of her brothers initially refused to go as in-laws and nephews nieces weren’t invited. However, mother and brother did come in the end!

But a whole slew of the uninvited turned up anyway. Two sisters-in-law , one with her own sister came to the venue and had lunch in the same restaurant with their kids who kept coming over to our table.

A cousin’s partner walked around grounds with her own child while partner and older step-child were at event.

Mother-in-law’s sister sat in the hotel’s lounge and the spouse of another friend set up his computer in the conservatory type thing.

I was just cringing, why would they humiliate themselves like this?

I would not have done what friend did but even if I wasn’t invited somewhere and I was upset I wouldn’t dream of still coming to venue.

Why do you think that they did it?

OP posts:
Starsignleo · 14/07/2024 20:16

Some people seem to forget they had a life and an identity before they met their SO and / or had children….I’ve got friends and family members who literally will not attend an event unless they can all be there….it’s sad, and the people that were actually invited must have felt embarrassed to have their partners acting weird on the periphery….I feel sorry for your friend….I love a day out away from my partner, and so do they….we are 2 separate people who choose a life together, but that doesn’t mean being joined at the hip 24/7…..

Delphiniumandlupins · 14/07/2024 20:16

They chose "that particular time to go" to make the point that your friend was rude to leave them out. You say she invited aunts and uncles but not their spouses but you (and your friend) are completely ignoring that an aunt-uncle pairing are often equally close to a child! The embarrassment and awkwardness seems to have been only felt on one side, and it wasn't the "uninvited".

Waffle78 · 14/07/2024 20:17

Some families might only get Sunday's to spend together as a family. Most won't want to split up so 1 person gets to go to what should be a family celebration. I think it's really odd to do it the way she did. Plus you don't have to be invited to the actual christening to see them christened. Anyone can walk in off the street into a church to watch a christening.

CelesteCunningham · 14/07/2024 20:18

serialcatbuyer · 14/07/2024 19:56

It sounds like alot of people are enmeshed with their partners

Married. A lot of people are married to their partners (or as good as).

Bluebirdover · 14/07/2024 20:21

So now we're having child free christenings?

If they found it stressful, just have the religious service and not the "party"

Talk about losing sight of the actual reason for a christening

Dymaxion · 14/07/2024 20:21

@SweetSouberry was the Christening in a Church ?

Skye99 · 14/07/2024 20:22

LocalHobo · 14/07/2024 19:48

Have the non-invitees shown they are not believers? If so, totally appropriate to not invite them. They won't be supporting the baby in his/her faith journey. That is the reason fora Christening.
In my experience, people who never host events don't appreciate the effort/cost involved.

Have the non-invitees shown they are not believers? If so, totally appropriate to not invite them.

I'm a Christian and I don't agree. Christenings/baptisms are family events as well as Christian ceremonies. As PPs have said, they're about welcoming the child into a community as well as into the church. Normally the partners and children of your siblings are invited. And if you want to invite cousins and friends, as OP’s friend did, it would be usual to invite their partners and children as well. So she’s acting in a way that’s unusual and unfriendly.

The Bible says, ‘Seek peace and pursue it’ (Psalm 34.14) and ‘If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone’ (Romans 12.18). Not ‘Exclude people and piss them off unnecessarily’ and ‘Cause family conflict’. There could have been a better solution, such as having a bring and share lunch afterwards.

sprigatito · 14/07/2024 20:22

If she wanted a quiet celebration with people who mattered to her, she should have booked a private venue rather than one open to the public.

As it is, I find it difficult to dredge up much sympathy for her (or indeed your) chagrin at having to endure the peripheral presence of the people she decided didn't matter to her. Tiny violins, I'm afraid.

SoundOfTheUnderground1 · 14/07/2024 20:22

Some Christian you are!!
You used a religious sacrament to cause division & bad feeling amongst family members,
You're only annoyed because you failed to control the other family members who chose to ignore your bad behavior & bad intentions.
You tried to hurt them, they turned the other cheek - in line withe the tenets of their faith.

Backmarks · 14/07/2024 20:23

JurassicClark · 14/07/2024 18:43

A christening isn’t a private event, literally anyone can go to the church.

If she hosted a meal in a restaurant afterwards, where did she expect extended family to go? Turn themselves off and go into standby mode until they were wanted again?

They clearly booked a table in the sane restaurant to show her up for being so rude.

Turn themselves off and go into standby mode until they were wanted again?

This is brilliant 🤣🤣🤣

S0livagant · 14/07/2024 20:23

Starsignleo · 14/07/2024 20:16

Some people seem to forget they had a life and an identity before they met their SO and / or had children….I’ve got friends and family members who literally will not attend an event unless they can all be there….it’s sad, and the people that were actually invited must have felt embarrassed to have their partners acting weird on the periphery….I feel sorry for your friend….I love a day out away from my partner, and so do they….we are 2 separate people who choose a life together, but that doesn’t mean being joined at the hip 24/7…..

This isn't something like a school friend's 30th. A Christening is a family orientated event. Aunts and uncles by marriage are family. Cousins are family.

Hb7x3 · 14/07/2024 20:24

The baby’s grandparents, aunts and uncles were all invited but not their spouses

This is weird, but it's weirder to turn up when you were not invited

Isthisreasonable · 14/07/2024 20:24

Presumably the whole family were at the church, then the hostess wanted the uninvited to bugger off after the service and then pick up the invited at the end of the event? That's spectacularly rude.

The "hostess" is very lucky that all the spouses and children didn't just book another table for their own party. Or alternatively everyone with uninvited spouses turning down the invite.

She's in no danger of winning hostess of the year.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 14/07/2024 20:25

Your friend clearly couldn't do right for doing wrong. You said her husband wouldn't have lifted a finger, so it was up to HER to put herself through the ringer arranging a big bash for the family and all the mental load that goes with it. Exhausting herself because we all know if these things don't happen it must be the selfish woman who's to blame.

Or, feeling the pressure, she tries to do a smaller scale thing with as few people as she can get away with, with minimum effort as possible to try and save the stress. Only for more to all turn up anyway to stare, and to shame her for not putting herself through the ringer. It must be the selfish woman who's to blame.

Is there an option that doesn't involve a new exhausted mum exhausting herself even further or being called a stuck up selfish bitch?

OfficerChurlish · 14/07/2024 20:25

She hosted in quite a posh hotel and only invited blood relatives and friends.

This seems kind of rude, weird, and arbitrary. Blood relatives (of the baby) maybe has some logic if you really desperately want to keep numbers/costs down, but it's horrible to SAY this is what you're doing. Do immediate family members get excluded if they're adopted? Adding friends in on top of that really complicates things because it seems to imply that the spouses of close relatives aren't also friends.

If I were invited to this, knowing the criteria, I'd probably assume the hostess was seriously cutting corners out of absolute economic necessity. Maybe the people that came along with their invited spouse/parent thought they were doing your friend a favor by paying for their own meal?

DappledThings · 14/07/2024 20:26

I Just don’t understand why they did this. It might be a public place but why choose that particular time to go?
Why are you still saying this when loads of posters have told you why. They did it to make a point. To show that your friend was being insanely rude and they weren't standing for it

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 14/07/2024 20:27

I think two wrongs don’t make a right in this situation. To not invite the spouses of my siblings, or my children’s Aunts and Uncles’ is beyond me.

Hayliebells · 14/07/2024 20:27

Oh the irony of having your baby Christened, but making it an "exclusive" event, excluding family. Are they non-believers hoping for a place at the local over-subscribed church school?

S0livagant · 14/07/2024 20:28

Dymaxion · 14/07/2024 20:21

@SweetSouberry was the Christening in a Church ?

Are there Christenings that aren't? You'd need a font. Or a lake or river I suppose but I've only seen that with adult baptisms.

sprigatito · 14/07/2024 20:30

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 14/07/2024 20:25

Your friend clearly couldn't do right for doing wrong. You said her husband wouldn't have lifted a finger, so it was up to HER to put herself through the ringer arranging a big bash for the family and all the mental load that goes with it. Exhausting herself because we all know if these things don't happen it must be the selfish woman who's to blame.

Or, feeling the pressure, she tries to do a smaller scale thing with as few people as she can get away with, with minimum effort as possible to try and save the stress. Only for more to all turn up anyway to stare, and to shame her for not putting herself through the ringer. It must be the selfish woman who's to blame.

Is there an option that doesn't involve a new exhausted mum exhausting herself even further or being called a stuck up selfish bitch?

Oh, pull the other one, it's got bells on 😂

We've all been an "exhausted new mum" and managed not to hurt our families by essentially dividing them into the worthy and the unworthy ffs. If you don't have the bandwidth to organise a family event, then don't have one. She wanted a poncy hotel event and couldn't afford it, so she treated half of her family like dirt, and will have to live with the consequences.

Dishwashersaurous · 14/07/2024 20:30

Were all these people at the church? You can't have a christening in a hotel?

So was the plan for everyone to go to the church and then only some go out for dinner afterwards?

And the rest of the family turned up at the same hotel?

Probably made sense as one car per family etc

Bluebirdover · 14/07/2024 20:32

Dishwashersaurous · 14/07/2024 20:30

Were all these people at the church? You can't have a christening in a hotel?

So was the plan for everyone to go to the church and then only some go out for dinner afterwards?

And the rest of the family turned up at the same hotel?

Probably made sense as one car per family etc

Well if that was the case, I agree that going to the hotel and excluding some was absolutely rude and no wonder so many people just turned up.

LeroyJenkinssss · 14/07/2024 20:33

Why the faux shock at why they turned up? It’s pretty obvious. Your “friend” is absolutely rude and pretentious - can’t afford for everyone to go but has to have it in a posh hotel. If the sorting it out was an issue caterers could have been arranged at a lesser venue, but no the setting had to be right.

did I read that correctly that her eldest wanted to play with their cousins but was led away? Fuck me that’s appalling.

S0livagant · 14/07/2024 20:33

OfficerChurlish · 14/07/2024 20:25

She hosted in quite a posh hotel and only invited blood relatives and friends.

This seems kind of rude, weird, and arbitrary. Blood relatives (of the baby) maybe has some logic if you really desperately want to keep numbers/costs down, but it's horrible to SAY this is what you're doing. Do immediate family members get excluded if they're adopted? Adding friends in on top of that really complicates things because it seems to imply that the spouses of close relatives aren't also friends.

If I were invited to this, knowing the criteria, I'd probably assume the hostess was seriously cutting corners out of absolute economic necessity. Maybe the people that came along with their invited spouse/parent thought they were doing your friend a favor by paying for their own meal?

If money was a problem then it would have been better to invite people to the Christening itself then word the invitation to indicate people can meet you at x venue after if they would like (with a link to menu and prices). The OP states it was a posh venue though so it doesn't sound like financial difficulties.

LondonFox · 14/07/2024 20:34

SweetSouberry · 14/07/2024 19:45

This is genuinely not a reverse.

I found my own sons’ Christenings deeply stressful with too many kids around and everyone wanting to hold them let alone sorting the catering. However, I would not have done what she did but she did it!

The baby’s grandparents, aunts and uncles were all invited but not their spouses or their small children.

I was kind of shocked by this but totally understand how she wanted an event that required no planning. She literally had coffee with the Maitre D who then organised everything plus cake. Her husband wouldn’t have lifted a finger.

My post wasn’t about this but about uninvited people turning up anyway with their own family and small children. Why would they want punish my friend like this at the event?

Her elder child was distracted by uninvited cousin and when her sister gently walked the child back the sister-in-law did sarcastically said it was a public restaurant.

I Just don’t understand why they did this. It might be a public place but why choose that particular time to go?

Her child, her christening and her decision who to invite.

It is just bizarre to have such idiotic family that will pester you and stalk you around events uninvited.
I would avoid such people without manners like a plague and not invite them to single event in the future.