Turning up to venue uninvited…Why?

[SweetSouberry]

My friend made quite a controversial choice in hosting an event this morning/ lunchtime.

Traditionally the event would be more family orientated with kids running around and hosted in a more ‘domestic’ setting.

She hosted in quite a posh hotel and only invited blood relatives and friends. My husband and sons weren’t invited but I went as the event would hold no interest for them.

Her parents and one of her brothers initially refused to go as in-laws and nephews nieces weren’t invited. However, mother and brother did come in the end!

But a whole slew of the uninvited turned up anyway. Two sisters-in-law , one with her own sister came to the venue and had lunch in the same restaurant with their kids who kept coming over to our table.

A cousin’s partner walked around grounds with her own child while partner and older step-child were at event.

Mother-in-law’s sister sat in the hotel’s lounge and the spouse of another friend set up his computer in the conservatory type thing.

I was just cringing, why would they humiliate themselves like this?

I would not have done what friend did but even if I wasn’t invited somewhere and I was upset I wouldn’t dream of still coming to venue.

Why do you think that they did it?

Ha ha. Almost as if they were in a committed relationship!

It’s a christening though!

Did she not realise that Uncles and Aunts are also people who married into the family? She seems to have caused massive offense and whilst I don't necessarily agree with what they did, I can see why some did this.

Am I the only person who keeps reading "The Univited" and picturing zombie like figures haunting the fringes of the room and furtively being fed bread rolls by the blood relatives they belong to?

I must admit this was my first thought also. Or she could afford it, but is just tight.

So much for the idea that a christening is about welcoming the baby into a comminity

No criticism of your friend for not wanting to host at home, however

Lol yeah that's a good name for a horror movie

They chose that time to go because of the christening celebration. It wasn't a coincidence!

OP, does your DH have any siblings? Do they have any children? Do you not consider yourself their aunt?

I think she made a huge mistake dividing the family up like this, was it to save costs?

Can you see how this has clearly upset the family, (even if you can’t understand how they had the balls to show up) can you understand why they would be upset?

She made a big mistake and instead of pointing the fingers at the others, she should look at what was the root of the problem. She hurt them.

Maybe so - yes, pretty batshit.

But the "host" of the christening party was also bloody rude (and batshit), in my view. A christening is a) about welcoming a new child into "God's family" and b) into the actual family and wider society.

I'm not at all Christian, but if you're doing a christening, you should try to follow the spirit of the thing.

The OP's friend was mean-spirited in excluding members of her child's family - aunts, uncles, and cousins. And actually really hypocritical. Not a generous person, and a christening is about welcoming and generosity in my book. And meanness is really unattractive in a person.

YANBU.

Passive aggressive people attending an event they are not invited to explains why the invitation wasn't extended to them in the first place.

Public place or not, they should not have attended that venue at that time.

Baptisms in my family tend to be more the merrier events. I wish I'd have had something like your friend had.

I have a totally different attitude to parties post COVID. My family is massive. Some people have no manners or proper responsibility when it comes to looking after their own DC. I'm definitely of the less is more brigade now.

I am curious about this also

Normally christenings are family affairs so I can understand it raising a few eyebrows that the wider family wasn’t invited
But turning up when you’ve not been invited, on the grounds it’s a public place? That’s very deliberate and pointed — and intended to make a statement.

In her own way, Your friend sounds as bad as the people you’re complaining about.

@SweetSouberry a few people have asked now if the great uninvited were at the christening before the meal but you’re not answering. If they were and families had travelled together I can see why they would hang around at the restaurant after.

Quite.

I really can't get my head around this @SweetSouberry . Was everyone invited to the church but not the hotel?

Yup. Not quite in the spirit of Christian baptism - and if there wasn't a church service, then it's not really a "christening" is it? The clue is in the name ...

I'm really wondering if I'm misunderstanding social cues / dynamics @justasking111 ! Idk if it's because I'm autistic or missing something about Christenings as I'm not Christian

I just don’t understand why they did this. It might be a public place but why choose that particular time to go?

To make the point that the child's mother was spectacularly rude.

They didn't turn up to the event though. They were at a public place where members of their own family were, where they waited for them to be done with whatever "exclusive" little petty event your friend had so they could enjoy the rest of the day with them.

I'm sure you will be thrilled when your partner's family excludes you from their next family event.

People could have all been invited on the condition the preordered meals and paid for their own, how is that difficult?

No its really, really rude at an event of this type to invite your siblings, but not their husbands/wives.
When those people married your siblings they became a part of your family, your child will call them aunt/uncle in the same way.
Its just so rude not to invite them, it suggests the host does not see them as family despite their marriages to her siblings and i suspect people were very hurt.
The fact it was a christening only adds to this, because the whole point of christenings is to welcome the child into the family and community!!

She wanted a quiet celebration with people that mattered to her,

People that mattered to her clearly doesn’t include her own nieces and nephews. I could cope with not being invited myself but I wouldn’t be in a hurry to forgive that. I wonder if she’s one of those women who is terrified at the thought of other children taking attention away from her and her baby. I can’t see any other reason to exclude the junior ‘blood relatives’. Your friend sounds absolutely awful and I can’t understand why you’d be defending her exclusionary and frankly stingy behaviour.

As for everyone turning up, it may not have been petty. When dh was on work trips with events that partners weren’t invited to he and his colleagues would often bring us partners along. We’d all go together for dinner and drinks, often in the same hotel, while they were at their function then we’d meet up with our partners afterwards for a big night. It could be something along those lines - ‘why don’t you and the kids go for lunch in the hotel and when I’m finished we can have a nice day out?’. To be honest I wouldn’t have expected the Christening party to be in the main dining room at all, I’d have thought it would be in a separate function room. I’m sure no one expected to be face to face or having to explain to the kids that they can’t go and sit with the rest of the family because Auntie Nasty doesn’t want them there.

I’m kind of wondering whether baptismzilla has a history of behaving like a complete twat to various family members and those family members saw this as a great opportunity to annoy her.

The invitee is weird to not invite entire families. Keeping blood relatives only is a bit crazy. So the non blood were just repaying her craziness.

Christenings are held in a church, often as part of the wider services. They are open for anyone to attend.
The focus of the ceremony is to welcome the child into the wider church family, with focus on bringing them up in this community. God parents are chosen, who have a focused role in this. But everyone presents also agrees to support the child.
After this there a meal/party where all the wider family and often key church members etc will eat, drink and give small gifts.

It is a very family oriented tradition.

This is totally you, OP - you were the host!