Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

My ds is 16. No way would he give me his phone. He'd fist fight me first. He does zero and hates me. He has cost me every penny I have and every shred of dignity.

@ByCupidStunt powerful post; I hope you're out the other side

Same...they are both wonderful, sounds like we're lucky!

Been through it as well, tell her she’s an ass

I'm sorry OP, haven't read the full thread, only on page 2, but sounds like DD thinks she has you where she wants you, by using refusal to eat as a weapon for attention.
I'd give minimal attention and "grey rock" until she is civil, but you sound a much nicer person.

and on the wrong thread

How many of us with troublesome or troubled teenagers struggle to bite our lips when women of three or four primary and pre-school aged children post on mumsnet asking if they should have another child?

DD1 was awful from about 12 to 16, no drinking or anything just sheer relentless rudeness. I often used to sit and cry because it was so horrible and thankless (not when she could see me). I didn’t let her get away with things but it didn’t seem to sink in that she just couldn’t speak to me in such an awful way until suddenly, she changed at about 17 and is now ok.

Now it’s DD2’s turn although it’s a totally different kind of difficult and she isn’t doing it deliberately because she has depression/anxiety. Looking back DD1 was actually easier to deal with and I wish from the bottom of my heart that DD2 was being rude instead of sitting in her room 24/7 and not speaking to anyone.

I’ve had to make a conscious decision over the past year or so to look after myself and do things for me, because otherwise I’ll break down. In fact I still might!

Sending strength and positive thoughts to anyone else who is in the middle of it all!

We went through an absolute shitshow of a teenage time. Sometimes all the parenting strategies in the world won’t change some teen’s behaviour - their brains are in meltdown and those closest bear the brunt.

I don’t have knowledge of dealing with eating disorders so I won’t comment on that.

A book I found invaluable was Gabor Mate, Hold onto your kids.

The 3 things I did that made a difference to me:

1- I stopped looking for apologies and instead swapped to very short responses to our teen being abusive. Eg - “your language is abusive and I don’t accept it’. That way you can feel some control.

2- don’t isolate yourself. If anything have more friends and family round to your house than before. Tell your friends and family that you’re struggling and you need them to be around for you. Allow yourself to laugh and have fun in your own home. Most teens are better behaved when other people visit and it allows your teen to see you through the eyes of others and realise that their view of you is the outlier. ‘Accidentally’ allow your teen to eavesdrop on your conversations with others where you praise them but don’t overdo it or they will see thru it.

3- Look after your own mental health. Go out, do stuff, have fun. This cd last for a while so approach it as if you’re in for the long haul.

I have the loveliest, most emotionally intelligent young adults now. They appreciated the unrelenting love they received even if they didn’t show it. There is hope 😀

I have 2 DDS in there late twenties now and are wonderful young women and we have a great relationship. But my God the teenage years were the most difficult times different reasons for each DD but they would drive me to despair. I found it a very hard time lots of sleepless nights.I dont know what advice to give. But don't beat yourself up and blame yourself it happens to the best of us. you can navigate your way through this and in time it will be a distant memory.

You are so right 😆

Fantastic advice thank you.

Dear OP, your daughter needs support, she is unhappy, and acting out by not eating is a way to get your attention that all is not right with her emotionally. First thing, find an independent nutritionist or holistic wellness practitioner who can gently but firmly explain to her how important it is for her to eat well for her future mental and physical health. An eating plan could be drawn up to ensure she eats regularly, and doesn't slip into a spiral of starving herself. While doing this, she needs you to be there for her, with boundaries around how she treats you - basic respect a minimum - yet with your assurance that you are interested in her emotional wellbeing. You and your partner can be a solid team to help her. Don't be put off by her behaviour. Love her as well as you can, ramp up family time together and discourage screen use as much as possible. There can be a million reasons for misbehaviour. Over time, with loving curiosity, you will discover what is going on for her. A hugely helpful website (and book) to get you started with understanding 'emotional eating' issues is https://www.everywomanover29.com/blog/about/ Trudy Scott treats children as well as adults, and knows a lot about how food influences mood and can be used to support us emotionally and physically. Good luck. I hope you can restore the closeness with your daughter soon.

Thank you, I have nice friends but my best friends mum is dying so can't burden her. I hate being miserable with people so find it hard to talk about it all but really could do with talking to someone at the moment.
Quite honestly this has helped a lot, strangers can be very kind

They are - it shows it’s not inevitable, you don’t have to accept it as ‘just teenagers’.

I'm on the app, too.
It used to be so simple to private message back in the day.

Can I ask, is your daughter showing any signs of malnutrition? Are you happy to share what type of foods she will eat?

I have very recent experience of restricted eating with one of my DCs, which did develop into anorexia. My DC was referred to Eating Disorder specialists and has now come out the other side. No intention of scaremongering at all, and your daughter might not be heading that way.

I noticed some advice posted from someone who was anorexic, and just wanted to say that medical advice has changed massively.

I know that CAMHS has a huge waiting list, but I managed to get DC an urgent referral, and was seen within a few days.

I don't want to dominate the thread, but am happy to share my experience. It sounds similar to yours in some ways.

Exactly. I wasn't a horrible teenager because I wouldn't have been allowed to be!

I had the odd door slamming moment but my mum actually backed me up because my dad was an arse on that occasion.

I certainly wasn't a perfect teen. I was a right misery a lot of the time. But I wasn't rude or venomous (usually).

We were lucky and the teenage years were an absolute breeze with our 2 boys. I have friends whose kids turned into complete arseholes.

Are you able to go on the main site? You can message that way. I would find it very useful to hear what advice you were given. I feel like this is impossible to navigate at the moment.

The foods change that she will eat. I did post a daily food example earlier

It might appear that the OP's DD is using food as a weapon for attention, but having been through this with a DC, it doesn't take long for the eating disorder to be the thing that is controlling your daughter.

It can develop into a medical condition, and with all due respect, should not be treated like something that should be ignored.

It shouldn't be brushed aside like some normal teenage drama / tantrum that will fix itself once it's reached a certain point.

When people develope anorexia, it causes physiological changes. I'm posting this so that anyone else reading this hopefully doesn't dismiss behaviours around food, not because I'm suggesting that this is the case with the OP's DD.

I do get what you are saying. Today has been a shit show in our house. Must be something in the water as they're all crying and arguing. Sigh. Ironically most of the shit show was coming home from watching that inside out 2 film, which teen DD insisted she must watch and be included. Hoping the match later distracts them a bit 🤞🏾

I’m probably going to get some flack for this but I think people with teens who behaved because they “weren’t allowed” to be awful are lucky. It’s like people with babies who sleep through from day 1 and toddlers who don’t tantrum, a lot of it depends on your child and not parenting.

All you can do is your best, and make whatever decisions seem right at the time.

One of mine was literally unbearable 13/17.
Is now a lovely loyal kind hearted biggest supporter. Improved steadily once left school. And again leaving college in year 13.
I aged 10 years in about 3 though. You can literally see it in the photos

Does anybody on this thread know how to PM, please? ave tried on the main site but still can't work it out. I will message later as I'm just going out now, OP.