Why didn't I realise how awful teenager years were going to be

[F11]

First dd is a dream, autistic, funny, interesting, no drama.

Dd2 is horrible, rude, she was the loveliest child, an absolute dream, she has turned into this horrible person and I end up sitting in the car miles away crying all the time

My daughter is only 7 and so far she has been the perfect child. My mum loves to remind me what a horrible teenager I was and how it can all change in the blink of an eye. I remember how horrible I was so I suppose I deserve a bit of kamar but I’m dreading it! You have my sympathies OP. My mum tells me I’m kind now so it doesn’t last!

Don't pussy foot around her, if she is being out of order tell her. She really can't expect the whole world to put up with her shit. If she can't be civil, make life hard. No money, no lifts just say no to everything and tell her why.

Also re food issues both of mine had some issues. I was advised to prepare foods they like, and maybe add something they are less keen on. Blend fruits/veggies into sauces/drinks. No pressure to eat, don't clear plates immediately incase they go back to it. No bribery. Normalise sitting and eating as a family being a peaceful experience.

Eldest did have counselling. Younger one didn't want it. Both mid twenties now, don't have massively varied diets but definitely eat well enough.

No they aren’t. Some are, as some of any group are. I’m a teacher of teenagers so I’ve more than just my (lovely) DD to base this on. Most teenage girls - and boys - are very much not horrible.

Stop pandering - she thinks you are weak. Hold the line.
Mine was a nightmare 13-14.5 then just gave it up as she realised what she was missing. I made her eat and checked her phone thoroughly every day until she was 16 screenshotting anything I didn't like to discuss and replying to any unacceptable messages and blocking people. She was being groomed/bullied/harassed all the time. Her life was hell and she had no way to navigate it. Once she came to me and we could do it together her mental health improved and she is now a very strong resilient woman with a lovely partner.

You have to be strong, really fucking strong. I was repeatedly told to give in to her and pander but those parents are still dealing with MH issues in their young adult children.

What would you do if you woke up now and you were 12? Their world is HELL they have so much pressure. Try and show her there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Make sure there is always food at 6pm then. I'd say that's imperative. If it means she eats properly then do it.

It may be a test of some sort, like if you love her enough. It's weird and bat-shit crazy but that's how they can think even without being aware of it. It won't last like this forever. Just try to enable the eating, whatever she wants to eat at whatever time.

Or allow her to eat whatever food she wants at 6pm by herself. It's much more important that she eats than you as a family stick to a routine.

With my 2 daughters , one was more of a nightmare than the other. Struggled with fitting in with friendship groups and so brought the aggression home . She smashed things , stole things from her sister , alcohol from us , destroyed stuff in her bedroom etc .
Anything she broke belonging to anyone else got replaced . He sister had a lock put on her door , as did we , with all the alcohol inside . Her room had no mirrors , she had smashed them and eventually no door because she broke that ! Oh how she hated that !!! Her cd player , her phone , all eventually got broken , even her laptop . I told her I'd drive her to the library to do any homework!
Yes she hated me and her sister and father for a few months but she soon learnt ! Within a year , my sweet girl came back , learnt that her so called friends weren't that nice and that life was better when she was kinder .
This was a few years ago , she's now 33 , married , a mother with her own daughter and with an excellent career.
Who would have thought it ???🤷‍♀️

@F11 you’re a good mum. You’re not shit. There’s no one answer to this. Sometimes coming down super hard on them is counter intuitive and they just disengage from you completely. My eldest was a nightmare. Better but still not who he was yet. I had a hard line and would tell him when he crossed it and would tell him what the sanction for that was. But other than that, I let the small shit go, and I maintained lines of communication and kept a saying ‘I love you’ etc. it was hard because although I loved him I didn’t like him but I didn’t let it show and kept up with the ‘you’re a lovely boy, why would you want to hurt me (words!) when I love you so much’ and really I wanted to shout and scream but that’s me losing my shit and my behaviour so I tried not to. Not always successfully but I’m human. Go easy on yourself. This will get better and it’s not about your parenting. Don’t listen to all the ‘my children would never cross a line’ shit. Because their children are luckily not having such a hard time as yours. You can’t compare. Much love.

My friend was talking about this earlier this week - she went off the rails a teenager - and she has only just realised her behaviour was triggered by an older man sexually assaulting her - she went wild - as she couldn't cope.

If it is out of character for your young person - find out why - people don't out of he blue become arses -without there being a reason x

@FF11 I hope you don't mind, but I've pm-ed you, or am just about to.

Child 1 no problems at all as a teenager. Bit quick to be mouthy maybe around 14/15 but that was it.
Child 2 Started on the criticising, moaning at me. Took it too far after school pick up ( very rural so a 10 mile round trip for me after work ) so I stopped the car, out they went and had an almost 5 mile walk home.
Went a bit quieter after that.

You could try the good cop/ bad cop in one — I know it’s tough being a teen darling, it’s hormones, hard work at school, decisions to make. ( sigh for effect) I know how difficult it can be…,( harsh voice now) .. But I’m not being treated like shit any more. It stops now or you and I will fall out big time. Alright? We’re having pizza for dinner.

DD was lovely, but the bullying reduced her to a self harming bordeline anorexic with depression and anxiety and zero self esteem. She had a torrid time in year 10 and the number of sleepless nights it caused was just awful.

Why are teenage girls so horrid to each other?

She won't speak to me at all

F11 I was going to pm you, but can't work out how to do that. 🙄

My friend is having an awful time with her teen boys. They destroy her house, break her furniture, have been expelled from school, started smoking weed and vaping. She keeps being told she needs better male role models from them and that's about all the advice she gets.

lol. I am happy for you to if you can work it out. I'm on the app so have to go on the main site, perhaps you are too?

Oh god op I feel your pain. You will get loads of mums commenting about how perfect their daughters were and that they never had any trouble, but I totally understand it was literally the worse time of my life. I was quite smug prior and thought I had parenthood nailed. Haha little did I know. The good news is she’s nearly 18 and is a million times nicer. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it gets better, promise.

Not sure why mums of perfect teens bother posting tbh they are not really relevant to the op

As a teenager I was awful awful to my parents. I knew I was a total bitch but the smallest thing would make me fly off the handle, I suppose I was just extremely hormonal because now my mums my best friend and I feel so guilty for ever acting like that.

Even now I don’t understand why I was like it and I hate how I must have made my mum feel. I hope you can have a relationship with her in the coming years, the teenage years are hard

This brought tears to my eyes. I was a horrible teenage girl - struggling with my hormones, friendships, school, relationships, emotions, a world I couldn’t quite figure out. My mum managed it by being utterly vile back to me, so I felt completely alone in the world, and retreated even further from her. I can only imagine how different our relationship would be if she’d met me with love.

Erm I don’t think this is the thread to be bragging about your perfectly behaved kids,@sentfrmmyiphone

Hang on in there OP, she needs you to be calm & strong & set boundaries on how to behave even when she is being unbearable & rude to you. My eldest dd was a delight to be with until she turned 15, then she was just so dismissive & nasty to me for several years that I regularly used to break down & cry and wonder how it had got to this. I tried to listen & acknowledge her but sometimes it was too much and I couldn’t cope. She also developed a set mealtime fixation and would have a meltdown if dinner was later than 6 or 6.30.

Then last year she took an overdose of over the counter painkillers & I spent the worse night of my life, holding her hand, watching the monitor in the hospital room and praying she would make it through the night.

She is doing ok now, back in education, on mild anti-depressants which seems to have taken the edge off. We all got a lot of mental-health help to support us as a family. She has really opened up to me and I understand her much better & the pressure she felt to live up to her perceived expectations of who she “should be”. I am so grateful we made it through the year.

I think times can be really tough for teenage girls, with all the expectations on them through social media etc. Although she is hostile to you, she is just finding her way through life & she needs you still, to be her role model and someone she can count on, no matter what.

One of my DD's had an eating disorder at 16. By then, she'd already been vile for 2-3 years and virtually tore our family apart. It was totally miserable and became critical during her ED, severely affecting her younger sibling. I set boundaries, but finding enforceable consequences that made any difference seemed almost impossible. Even more so when she withdrew from friendships and stopped going out.

I agree with PPs to contact Beat for help, get the Janet Treasure book, and scour your local libraries for what else they have on EDs. Also watch out for over-exercising - another sign - or going to the bathroom after meals to vomit. A self-help group of parents whose youngsters had EDs provided insights and ideas, and helped keep me sane.

My daughter recovered quite well and reasonably quickly from the ED after intensive CAMHS intervention, but I'm not convinced anyone ever gets shot of them completely.

I was a nightmare teen. Absolutely horrible to my lovely mum.
I was miserable and I don't know why I was so vile. My brothers told me I made life hell at home for everyone. My parents were tough but straight parents. They did not pander to us. I adored, and still adore, my mum. I was so awful she hit me once. She is absolutely not the type but I needled and needled. I probably wouldn't have stopped until she did so. I did not cop on til I was 21. I was working abroad and something happened to me, it helped me to grow up and start getting my act together. But also, it was time for me to grow up.

By contrast my own DD was such a good child but got bad depression at 16/17. She is much better now (recently) but is just not that nice. Like a sour, moody teen even though she's 21 and left home at 18. She shows no compassion to me though we do get on mostly. I wonder if she has some sort of delayed emotional development as she is like I was at 16 or 17. She is very self absorbed.

Sorry OP I’ve done the unforgivable and jumped to the end of this thread but you say DD1 is autistic. Could DD2 also be autistic, manifested in a different way?