Just sent this to my 16 & 17 year old

[Nur122]

Guess this isn’t unreasonable
Firstly I love you both lots.
I want to be able to explain that I am disappointed in you both for your lack of respect for how you don’t do the few things in the house like you are meant to like keep your rooms tidy, they are getting worse and more disgusting with old food bowls etc being left in them rather than better. Also you keep leaving stuff lying about the house. I have always been happy doing things for you because I love you and wanted you to have a happy, nice childhood but you are both a lot older now and basically no different from adults so should be able to be a bit more responsible for yourselves without nagging. I’m not expecting you to do the vacuuming, fridge cleaning, bathrooms etc but if you notice a dog poo in the way, or some fly poos somewhere yucky etc there is no reason why you shouldn’t clean them up for example. If you need more storage in your rooms I can help sort it out.
Please do these things out of need and respect.
lots of love mum

Seems like that ship has sailed

What a nonsense. If you never came across a fly poo then it isnt there. Your cleaning wont stop flies leaving poo there.

We see the fly poo on our windows. If a fly gets stuck buzzing in the window you get quite a lot. I wipe our windows a couple of times a week in the summer - we live quite rurally so get quite a few flies.

Funnily enough though, my husband and I were only talking the other day about how we only noticed this as adults with our own houses to clean. I absolutely wouldn't and didn't see this as a teen! Or would have thought to clean it.

This. They will roll their eyes. You need to be way more direct.

It sounds to much like begging. And not specific enough. Like 'oh, I'm so sorry but please can you xyz, I don't expect ABC...'
You should put bullet points of each of their tasks, saying clearly- I expect these done. No negotiating. If you stay here you pull your weight.
Then if they don't start giving consequences.
As for not having to clean the bathroom, why not?
If you use it you clean it.
That note will probably get ridiculed or ignored sadly.

I understood that to be fly blood left behind from being killed by spiders. May be it is poo.

I sit every half term and go through a jobs list with my DC, 16 & 18. Have done it ever since Yr7 when they got their phones. They do the bins, cook once a week, tidy kitchen a few times, bring down laundry twice a week, change their beds and wash a car (inside or out) each week. If they don’t, then there’s no phone and/or no pocket money - it usually sorts itself out at this point. Obvs it will change a bit as DC18 heads to Uni soon.

I was honestly an awful teenager. My DM was a single parent and I took every advantage I could, I’m horrified when I look
back. I believe my behaviour stemmed from a lack of boundaries and discipline and I absolutely won’t stand for it with my DC. So far it’s working. Also, they need to learn this stuff to be decent partners and parents.

If that's the worst that 16 and 17 year olds do, then I think you're very fortunate. I think sending a letter like that will have the opposite effect, and after they've finished taking the piss out of you, they will be care about their rooms even less.

You have very low standards. Mine absolutely do their share of vaccuming, bathroom, bins etc. It's not optional and tbh it's become a habit now at similar ages. I'm a lone parent, work extremely hard and I'll be fucked if I'm coming home to a shit tip of someone else's doing .
My kids know this.

Dog shit? Fly shit?!?

Urgh. I'm with your tennis tbh 🤣

I don;t really agree that their rooms are their rooms if they get to the state where everyday crockery is growing green mould under their beds and they are crawling out into the world in minging teeshirts.

I just go and stand in their bedroom doorways and say: 5 minutes - just tidy for 5 minutes. Chuck snack wrappers and drinks cans in the bin - 30 seconds! Collect dirty crockery and stick it on this tray, I'll take it downstairs.' Then once they are into it aftert that first minute, they have to get down to the real challenge of clothes sniffing to discover which underpants have been worn and which are the ones I lovingly folded in neat piles which have totered to the floor because they didn't put them away.

No one objects to having to tidy for 5 mins, And they can do an immense amount of tidying in that time. Do that every day for a week and the room is manageable, Do it every day for a month and it becomes second nature.

If you always did everything for them when they were younger, without ever asking/telling/expecting/teaching them that they needed to do their bit, then yes you ae being unreasonable. Children can and should be helping out from a very early age. Starting small, like taking their plate or glass into the kitchen, straightening their beds - it doesn't take much effort to pull up a quilt. Even in your note you say you are not expecting them to vacuum or clean bathrooms - why not? It's not a hardship. At 16/17 they absolutely should be doing these things and more. Stop babying them, then maybe they will become the responsible adults that you want them to be.

I cleaned my grandads large three bedroom house top to bottom every Saturday morning for a tenner when I was 14/15 and I kept my bedroom clean and tidy and cleaned our family bathroom once a week. Teens aren’t all lazy, festering dirt ridden mingers.

If yours are, it’s because you let them or set them a bad example.

This went down differently than I expected, at least no one is telling you you're their hero.

if you notice a dog poo in the way, or some fly poos somewhere yucky etc there is no reason why you shouldn’t clean them up for example

😂

😂😂

Try talking to them. That letter is a massive cringe.

I don’t think your message will get through OP. It sounds a little passive to me.

I find with teens, you have to be really specific about what you expect, and when.
Nothing wrong in asking them to do more but they have never run a home and don’t see things like we do.

Give them chores and a day they have to do them. It’s Friday here. We have three zones:
Kitchen; bathroom and stairs; living room and dining room.
Each of us has a zone to do on a Friday. Our own bedrooms are up to us.
At first they needed a list of how to do their zone, like: tidy clutter from table, polish surfaces with Mr Sheen, empty waste paper basket, hoover rug and sofa, mop floor.

It takes 45 mins to an hour per zone and it means it’s nice for the weekend.

Oh, and the zone we’re all on is written on the calendar, so there’s no doubt

I don't think your message will have the desired effect
To an extent it's normal teenage behaviour, and I'm not sure why you've fixated on poo
Easy to say I know but you should have introduced chores at an earlier age

Of course you’re being unreasonable.

People teach young kids chores like loading the dishwasher after a meal because it becomes normal for them and they don’t end up like your kids. Is your 17 year old off to uni next year ? They should be able to do all household chores by now. Nobody wants to clean and tidy but they should be doing it because it’s part of being an adult. You were wildly unreasonable to assume that they’d grow out of being waited on and would start doing housework. Personally I think it’s mean to leave it until they are adults to teach them this stuff and you should have been teaching them gradually since a much younger age so it wasn’t a shock to them.

You expect them to clean poo but not to easier chores like vacuuming their room ? That’s bizarre thinking. They will obviously continue to ignore the shit when they’ve been allowed to for 16/17 years.

Yeah, I think you lost them when you stuck the fly poo in. You want them to go around searching g for, and cleaning fly poo, which seems odd/unreasonable. That will be what they fixate on, and the rest will be lost.

Fly poo in the way?

They are different to adults... they struggle a lot more with emotional regulation. I don't think the letter will work because it's likely to trigger that as it may be felt as emotionally manipulative.. it may trigger too much guilt and get a big negative emotional response from them.
I would say with teens it's really best to be as unemotional as possible.
Also it's best to address things as they happen in the moment individually rather than just unloading about everything at once.
So give them clear tasks when you see them that they could do then and there and be firm, direct and unemotional. Ie "please do the washing up now it's your turn"
Don't make it possible in any way for them to interpret it as an assassination on their character.. because they will interpret it like that if at all they can.
That letter is very emotional and will elicit a defensive response I would say.

I think I know why OP has written this down to them, because she's fed up of asking and asking and then being ignored or told she's nagging so I think its fair enough to try a different tack once in a while.

OP. I think you have to approach it on all fronts, they may not listen if you talk to them about it, but plough on it takes a while for it to sink in.

Also. Have you thought of taking a photo and sending it to them on Whats App . They may push back with "That's so passive agressive" But when you've asked them 40 times, not to put plates full of food scraps into the washing up water, creating a fetid soup full of yucky food all the time, something has to give. Especially when they think doing that is "helping" then a picture labelled "Gross" says 1000 words.

Another effective one is to gather all their stuff lying around in one of those folding crates and I mean everything put it on their bed - actions speak louder than words - it illustrates to them exactly how much stuff they've left all over the place and they have to move it to use the bed and you don't have to look at it scattered downstairs.

This could of course all backfire. If you find any methods for the sock menace do let me know.

@Growlybear83

it sounds like you think Op should be grateful…for what…?