Parents who cant say no

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Inspired by another thread, AIBU to think there is a growing trend of parents being unable to say no to their children? They cry/scream/theyre sad so I just gave in. Cue children who lack resilience and can’t cope when they don’t get their own way.

If you’re that parent then why?!

It depends on the child, mine rarely asked for anything, so if they did I probably got it (appropriate and could afford it). If I had had a whiner wanting everything it would have been a problem.

I agree.
Low class breeds low class.

I think most people are trying to avoid unpleasant behaviour at home. As a teacher I see it a lot. They push back against any consequences at school because their kids are rude and unpleasant at home if they don't do what they want. Usually it doesn't work because the behaviour becomes difficult at home anyway. They then will turn to school saying they can't come with the behaviour. I think it is fine to be a bit grumpy and uncommunicative as a teen. It is not fine to be abusive and violent.

Also, I find because so many parents are so permissive and 'gentle' it makes stricter parents look worse.

If I tell my kids off in public, I actually get more looks than if I don't. I don't mean shouting or being really harsh, just saying "no you do not do that, if it happens one more time we'll be going straight home". Then other parents are just letting their kids do what they want and looking at me like I'm mean. Can't win.

What kind of husband is he going to be though?

I imagine he'll be like his dad - kind, funny and loving.

People are mentioning Janet Lansbury a lot. What books would you recommend written by her or actually any other amazing author that specialises in parenting.

Some parents do struggle saying no

I don't think they're doing their children any favours not holding a boundary

YES!

I take my kids to some activities and groups where the social make up is quite artsy middle class and the parents are lovely but if you speak in anything more than a softly, sing-song tone to your kids there is a definite judgy vibe. I struggle with it because I am more firm but I need to be because my kids are stubborn and very single-minded (like me and their dad...)

@Glitterbomb123 Surely you just tuck your misbehaving toddler under your arm like a rugby ball and continue on? That's what I always did with my two. Now that they are too heavy to carry, they will mostly do what they need to, and get their game time reduced if they kick up a fuss (also they wouldnt do that anymore in public due to being more self aware).

Its not that difficult to be the one in charge. And like one pp earlier said, boundaries make children feel safe. That's why they test them. Tantrums are not a bad thing that should be avoided.

I'm one of those parents on a regular basis........i guess I'm a bad mum.....(that's what you all want to hear)......not for things like toys etc but for extra play time at the park/play dates.....

I’m definitely more of a “no” parent than not but I can absolutely see why some people will do anything to avoid a tantrum in public.

Today for example, my 2 year old wanted to out on his balance bike. All fine, until we told him he had to wear his helmet and put it on. He kicked off big time. Threw himself down on the path, thrashed around and screamed “HELP! HELP ME!” for a good 20 minutes and we had lots of “oh dear, he’s not very happy” comments from people passing by. We even had a couple who loitered nearby to watch it unfold!

I held firm but I was truly on the verge of cracking when he suddenly got up with his helmet on and happily got on his bike waiting for me to follow. He was completely unbothered by his helmet being on for the rest of the day and even wore it popping in to Sainsburys after. I was a nervous wreck on the other hand and I don’t usually embarrass easily.

we had lots of “oh dear, he’s not very happy” comments from people passing by

I think people were probably trying to be supportive by saying this.

I think people who aren't judging feel the need to say something to show solidarity, support and prove they're not judging because they know so many do!

I think some people feel this comment puts the focus back onto his feelings rather than your responsibility to do something to stop it. If that makes sense?

It has definitely increased in recent years. Just look at behaviour in primary schools to see the impact it has!

I was at the Eurotunnel terminal today. Big open space with various shops and cafes around the outside. There is a piano. There was a mum sat there smiling whilst her 3 kids, none of them musical, bashed on it. The sound carried around the entire indoor space. I was gob smacked that this woman was happy to let several hundred people listen to the bloody racket rather than tell her kids that the piano is meant for people who can PLAY it and not a toy. And if you are that woman, i bloody judged you.

I work with young children and the amount of parents we have who drop them off and say, "They've brought such and such toy with them today as they wouldn't leave it at home, " (then usually add "Please don't lose it") or "They are wearing [something entirely inappropriate] because I couldn't get them to put anything else on."

And the amount of children who start most sentences with, "I want..."

It is increasing year on year.

As someone else said, children have to learn that they aren't allowed to do whatever they want. That is the reality of life. And, whilst I don't want children to be scared and subject to any kind of abuse, often some element of fear of consequence is what keep society functioning. There are loads of things I don't do because I am scared of the consequences! The consequences don't mean physical chastisement but often a natural consequence of their actions, e.g. If they are being silly and knock something over, they clear up the mess etc. There is no need to shout and scream but just ensure they understand their behaviour has consequences.

I've seen this with one of my friends children.
They were never told no, always thought of as being extremely academically clever and her opinion was the one that ruled the house.
She was obnoxious as a youngster, always thought that she was right as she had never been told she wasn't but now as a young adult she has got absolutely no friends, no social skills, no job and most worrying serious mental health issues

This is it.

I very rarely say no but when I do I mean it.

I'm that mum. DC1 easy bright kid, no no problem. DC 2 neuro atypical. New manual necessary.

Think of Verucca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Everyone knew who was to blame. That’s why the squirrels booted the dad down the incerator too.

Why does being ND mean you have to give in to them? Different tactics to get to the no, sure. Quite often I dance around the 'no' and will go for a 'its dangerous' or 'when we get home' or 'lets count your money when we get home, see if you have enough' to avoid a full blown meltdown. But giving in to all demands is shit parenting no matter what the needs of the child.

Sometimes it still results in an embarrassing public meltdown and strangers gawping at a preteen screaming/crying/lashing out at me like a toddler but tough. That's life. You can't just do whatever you want anytime/get anything you ask for.

Yeah I have had to do that a few times. But it's impossible to do a full food shop that takes 30 minutes plus with a heavy kicking and screaming 2-3 year old under your arm. In the past I've had to just leave and cut the shopping short.

My reply was in response to someone simply saying.. basically my kids do what I tell them. That's great, but not all kids do as they're told! It's not as easy as that and anyone that has strong willed kids will bloody know that.

This.

There’s too little understanding of how even young DC know how to kick off and that their tantrums don’t need to be avoided or averted - a two year old needs to learn that a tantrum does not get them what they want. It isn’t great dealing with it at the time but trying to appease the child is setting yourself up for years of grief.

Humans are not perfect, newsflash. Every generation chooses a different way to fuck up their kids, while brimming with criticism for the generation that went before... Meanwhile each will crtiticise the next generation and how badly they are doing too.

Before criticising micro interactions you see however, it is worth reminding yourself that you have not seen every moment of that particular parenting hour, never mind the rest of the childhood. Broad brush statements that agreeing to one toy reflects a bad parenting approach that will destroy the child seem somewhat dramatic, with context. You might be seeing an overly permissive parent creating a monster, but you also might not.

Thanks, I never thought of that 😁