Parents who cant say no

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Inspired by another thread, AIBU to think there is a growing trend of parents being unable to say no to their children? They cry/scream/theyre sad so I just gave in. Cue children who lack resilience and can’t cope when they don’t get their own way.

If you’re that parent then why?!

@MorrisZapp but why though? You don't have to care what someone else thinks, but is there a reason why you don't say no?

The ones tutting or saying "oh dear!" Aren't exactly helping are they.

A lot of these adults haven't had great parenting either - too much trying to be the child's friend.

As a parent you have to rise above it. Who cares what a random thinks, if you're not affecting them. We do need to set boundaries though.

I always say no to most things

However when they were younger I told them if there was something they desperately wanted within reason they'd have to ask nicely and wait patiently to grind me down

This how we both know that it's something really important to them so in those rare cases I acquiesce

DD asks for loads of things when we're out shopping because she knows I'll say yes to some and no to others

For instance we were in TK Maxx the other day and she found a lovely summer jacket. I told her no I won't be buying it . Told her she could buy it with her own money. She put it back. I decided to buy it for her anyway because she didn't moan or make a fuss and it was a lovely well made jacket reduced from £125 to £32

DD has a PT job now she's on 6th form so she can buy what she likes anyway and knows the value of spending money on things and not buying tat you really don't need

They may not be helping but it doesn’t mean you stop bothering to parent!

My late father and his widow were parents like these. They never said no to their children and we were instructed to never say no to them (there's a 31 year age difference between me and my half siblings). This was decided by their mum. My dad had had no issue saying no to my sibling and me.

The set up the house so that no one ever needed to say no to them (eg removed drawers knobs so that drawers couldn't be opened by the children).

My brother prevented one of them from seriously injuring herself when she was about 3 by shouting "no" as she was about to do something dangerous. It startled her into stopping and so she didn't hurt herself. My dad and his wife didn’t say anything other than to reprimand him for saying no to her.

Let's just say, they (and their mum) struggled massively once they got to school where children tend to hear no a lot.

DS rarely asks for anything

When he was about 4 we were in TK Maxx abd he clutched on desperately to a soft toy the whole time we were there

I'd told him no a few times

But he clearly wanted this £5 item so much I relented and bought it for him

He loved that thing

He's never asked fir anything like that since

Even I when I bought him his PS5 he hadn't asked for it but I had to buy it really because all the newer games worked better on it than the PS4

He desperately wanted a Switch though and after me saying no for ages he was going to buy it himself anyway from saved money

So we got it for his birthday

I am parenting with someone who can’t say no to our DD. He was parented very very harshly and I think in his mind he is not replicating slightly abusive strict parenting…sadly his lack of boundaries is also slightly abusive as in its neglect. He doesn’t keep her safe. Won’t even say no when she is running around in a busy car park.

any tips from anyone who has similar on how to get him to understand?

I was that kid. Never had any boundaries because my parents were too busy fighting or making up to notice or care. They threw stuff and money at me though. My behaviour got worse and worse because subconsciously I think I was desperately looking for someone to care enough to say stop. When abandoned by my parents one weekend aged 13 or so, my dad's boss finally put his foot down hard after his youngest and I did something very stupid/dangerous having been told not to. Once the shock (and pain) wore off, it made me question my relationship with my parents even more. It also led to a highly inappropriate crush which then in time led to an even more inappropriate relationship.

By the time I was in my late teens, my hunt for a "father figure" and boundaries saw me dating a succession of men in their late 20s and 30s, looking for one who would say enough. In the process, I found all sorts of abusive bastards.

My dad and I talked before his death about my childhood. He asked if his boss (and friend) had abused me and if my terrible taste in men for that period before I met dh was his fault. With the benefit of hindsight, both of us felt boundaries would have saved us both a lot of heartbreak.

We're fairly strict parents when it matters and totally laid back the rest of the time. My kids hear "hand" and theirs will be in mine or their father's in seconds. Crossing the road or in a carpark, we don't even need to ask. Pocket money can be spent as they choose. They can ask for things but I don't tolerate having to say no more than once. They are expected to behave at home, at their friends, at school and out in public. Not behaving has consquences.

@Ladyandherspaniel and lots of parents I know but loads in the sale and keep them for gifts for their kids and relatives etc through the year. You just don't know!

My son's birthday is 2 weeks before Christmas. He has a mix of toys, books, clothes etc plus vouchers/money for each one but if you looked at my shopping history the end of November/start of Dec you'd probably think I was "over indulging" my child for Christmas.

my DH cannot say no to his children! His daughter died, their mum left when they were very young, his mum, their Grandmother killed herself and left him, his son killed himself and left him, his dad abandoned him... and he is absolutely terrified that if he says no to them, they will do the same.... so its not all about society.. sometimes there is a deeper rooted reason

Before you judge consider whether you might have an easy child. I have one of each. No 1's meltdowns to each 'no' exhausted and drained me and led to me trying to avoid saying no if i could. I couldn't believe it when no. 2 came along and accepted it when I said no. She still does. No. 1 still doesn't (though she hears it a lot).

When he was about 4 we were in TK Maxx abd he clutched on desperately to a soft toy the whole time we were there

I've had that happen with each of my kids once - each time we still walked out of the toy shop, but when 20 mins later they were still upset, this was so out of character that we went back and got what it was that they utterly desired with every fibre of their being. Because I never had that as a kid, there were things I wanted so much but would never, ever have been able to have because we didn't have the money.

Not had it happen since, and that's in about 10 years each.

I had taken all the pet bedding to the launderette and was minding my own business. Woman was engrossed in her phone ignoring her toddler who was trying to post her keys through the door into the office. I pointed this out to the woman who told me to mind my own business and I had no right to tell her how to parent. So I minded my own business, watched the toddler post the car and house keys through the letterbox into the office and then had to tell her that there were no staff on Sunday and she wouldn't be able to get the keys back until Monday.

I would suggest you do continue to say no and let her have those feelings and praise her when she eventually calms down. Don’t take it personally, hard when you’re on your own, carry on as normal once she’s calm . The more consistent you are, the easiest it’ll get. I find with my children they really respond well to getting an ice cream or a toy because it’s not usual.

If the 'parent' had to be available to deal with the results of their idleness, to come into school and change nappies etc, they would quickly get their finger out if it interferes with their free childminding! Yes, I am aware that there are medical reasons etc. but only those certified by a medical professional should be accepted, 's/he's not ready yet' isn't a reason, it's an excuse.

I hope your grin wasn't too broad, karma is wonderful.

I learned very quickly that all women's eyes were on me when parenting in public and that every interaction was a test. It contributed to my post natal depression.

I rarely took DS to shops, supermarkets etc because it was too intimidating to face the public trial.

Once I was better I learned not to care what others thought of my parenting, after all they don't know me or my kid. I like giving him stuff and I enjoy treating him. I never learned what the magic 'consequences' of poor behaviour were meant to be or how to enact them on a bus, train, doctors waiting room or shop.

My sister in law is a just say no parent, she has a will of iron. Her three kids are delightful but her oldest has rebelled to the point of needing school intervention.

My spoiled teenage son gets great school reports, have heaps of friends and is a star at football too.

Keep your beak out of other people's parenting I reckon. We aren't all magically able to quell uprising with one eyebrow, and I like being my son's safe and gentle home.

Same!! I now have a 7 year old who thinks he controls the house. And sometimes it feels like he actually does! It's sooo hard

That's wonderful for you. But some children don't always do as they're told. You put them in a trolly, they climb out. You let them walk, they won't walk they'll sit on the floor.

I don't know if 'a growing trend' is correct, surely there have always been all types of parents?

My daughter is 7, and I've got plenty of mum/dad friends, but only know one who's like that.

Well exactly. A small child with no sense of embarrassment has absolutely no investment in getting the weekly shop done. They'll sit on the floor as long as they like. As for the classic 'well just take them home' that was a huge win for my DS who never wanted to be out anyway.

My husband does this, I think he is trying to let her calm down in her own time. I just start walking tbh. He just had a ten minute argument over a kitkat, he didn’t give in but he still got to the point he wanted. His dad was very authoritarian though and I think he felt very controlled as a young child, even now tbh as a grown man, he still instills boundaries but they aren’t as hard and fast as mine. He just goes about it in a gentler longer way. DD definitely gets a no or a “not today” from me. I’ve carried mine kicking, screaming and scratching my face out of the shops as a toddler. It is what it is. She got it by 3 that if we are on our own she doesn’t misbehave because I will take her straight back home (only had to do it once). However she absolutely takes the mick when it’s all of us together as DH is a lot softer.

It’s not easy, she still has a hissy fit about it, but I see it as investing in her future self. I completely understand the temptation to give in for a peaceful life. I try not to say no unless it’s for a good reason but dealing with the tantrums is not fun.

Stop worrying about what other people think, life is short.