Parents who cant say no

[1AngelicFruitCake]

Inspired by another thread, AIBU to think there is a growing trend of parents being unable to say no to their children? They cry/scream/theyre sad so I just gave in. Cue children who lack resilience and can’t cope when they don’t get their own way.

If you’re that parent then why?!

Relentless whining is a tactic children use because it works, and it can be hard to hold firm, but if you eventually cave in, they just learn to whine longer, louder and harder (extinction burst).
But most NT youngsters are smart enough to save their energy when it gets them nowhere. I remember once being whined at by one pupil who was excited to see new equipment being delivered and unpacked, and wanted to get their hands on it immediately. The protocol at that school was to mark it a school property and add it to inventory first, so she would have to wait.
After a while, I told her that she wouldn't change my mind, she was just making me irritated. She retorted, "It works with Mummy!" "Well it doesn't work with Miss Twosheds" I explained. Miraculously, the crocodile tears dried and she skipped off.
On other occasions, I have observed the look of incredulity when unreasonable demands are denied. I have related the tale before of one little prince set upon phoning Childline when he was held back at breaktime......
I guess part of the problem is that I am not so invested in gaining their approval.

Yes of course but those with sensory issues can really struggle with the noise. I'm not saying people should give in.

I saw a mum in the supermarket the other day, explain to her child why she couldn’t open the pack of biscuits she’d just put in the trolley, because they had to be paid for first. Further round I saw her again. The child had the open pack of biscuits in her hand.

That mum might have just started the weekly shop and need to get through it somehow without strangers tutting and going "oh dear someone's not happy" so I can understand why. Yes it's not going to help in the long run but if society could help out by not making such a bloody fuss when they see a crying child that would help.

The child wasn’t crying and wasn’t upset. Nowhere did I say that she was. I didn’t judge and I didn’t tut, but I wondered whether the mum might be setting herself up for future problems.

Theres really no need to assume things that weren’t said or intended.

I have expectations of my kids. I've done well enough that I don't have to refuse them reasonable requests, but, I do expect the requests to stay reasonable, and they do (eg. no stupidly expensive trainers, no replacing something because they were careless with it)

I don't think it's all me, there must be some personality contribution there, because I've been able to take them into a toyshop and leave with nothing but a present for someone else since they were toddlers - they just seemed to innately understand that we weren't there for them.

Simply, parents will do anything to avoid a melter, have their kid's feeling hurt, be seen to be "mean", make their child cry, make their child hate them for a minute or so, say no and then give in due to said crying.They literally CANNOT see their little brat being upset.

DEAL with it and parent.

This. Yes you get parents who really don't say No. But you don't ever see every interaction and can't really judge. I've been told I'm too soft, too harsh and everything in between. I have changed my mind after saying No. Or after saying Yes. But my eldest is really sweet and well behaved, so I think I did ok.

I think this is a complex issue and is often to do with the parent's lack of capacity due to their own poor experience of being parented.

I also don't think having your parents refuse you things is how dc build resilience, it's more to do with having a solid base, and adults to help them manage their emotions.

My guess is that parents who struggle to say no might also struggle with meeting their dc's emotional needs, but I don't think it's the saying no that is the only thing that matters.

Is everyone really judging though? At the end of the day - do you prioritise parenting effectively or avoiding self perceived judgement?

As parents it seems we are always judged no matter what we do. If kids are screaming and throwing tantrums in public people are tutting and throwing dirty looks, if you give in and get the kid a toy or something to keep them busy in public so they dont disrupt others, you're being too soft and pandering to them. Sometimes it feels like we can't win. And you often only see a snippet of that person's day, you have no idea what is going on with them.

Mine have all been used to disappointment from the get go so it isn't such a shock in significant times when out and about in public.

The word no gets used regularly in a matter of fact way. They don't know any different.

Buying a gift for a school friend would be just that. They may ask if they can also get something but I let them know that today it isn't happening. They just accept it and move on.

I always smile at a parent whose child is crying/screaming/having some other reaction - those who judge a small segment of someone's day are part of the problem.

Inspired by another thread judging other peoples parenting? You have no idea about their lives, the reaction they get to a no. Whether they are doing the best with the child they have. Let me guess your kids are older now but you were the perfect parent at the time. It's amazing how many of these threads are by older women bashing younger women. I bet it wasn't as easy as you remember.

Older women bashing younger women? How? Where? Nobody said anything 'was easy', parenting requires effort.

If more people were like you the world would be a better place!!

I work with 3 yr olds and something I learned a little too late (I started after mine were in school) is how easily managed a tantrum is for a new person. My colleague has zero tolerance, when a new child kicks off because they want a toy or won't wait their turn she completely blanks them and when they pause for a breath she tells them to stop it. She moves them to a quiet place if they are likely to lash out. But mostly we blank it and what shocked me is how quickly they stop themselves. I've often observed a child try to get eye contact and the moment my colleague turns her head they flop on the floor and cry again. They are absolutely bewildered at the lack of attention, when they stop she continues pleasantly, she doesn't berate them or mention it again. Most children try twice and then never ever again. Obviously there are days when they are tired and cry over nothing, that's different. I also understand it's more complex with a parent relationship but it was an eye opener for me. They absolutely are much more capable of regulation than we believe, obviously not including SEN here. They need to have a few of these meltdowns at home to learn no is no, I agree in a shopping centre or cafe is not the place to start this lesson especially if you are a self conscious person like me who hates people looking. Also some kids are much more compliant than others, a demanding child is much more difficult to rear and i wish we could all be more supportive of parents who have more these children. The ones standing patiently as their little scream on the floor are the good parents, they should be proud and not embarrassed.

Me too. Recently I saw a woman with loads of bags and a boy flung on the floor screaming by a cafe where everyone stared. I was having a coffee and I went over to her and told her id be there for another few minutes and if she needed help carrying her bags to wave at me and I'd help. She thanked me, she didn't need help in the end but I did what I wish people had done for me when I was in that position.

I have sensory issues and I got around it by having the rule of if they wanted to make that sort of noise they have a bedroom to do it in and would pick them up and put them in their room whenever they temper tantrumed, shut their door and walk away. It may sound cruel but it worked I had very few temper tantrums and most were averted by reminding them that they had a room for that sort of noise. Meltdowns due to DS's asd were obviously delt with differently.

I'm that parent in Tesco who has had to carry a screaming child out the entrance because the answer was no to "I want that toy"

I had to do this twice in fact before he realised no is no.

I could say this is an overgeneralisation but I have encountered spoilt children with scarce regard for authority in general. Parents aren’t doing them a favour, they’re going to be incredibly entitled and face alienation later on in life.

My dc have a friend like this. The child hits and tells the parents to f* off if the child doesn't get their way (my dc told me this, shocked, because in our house it would mean a big consequence like no screentime for a month or something)

My one dc has adhd. Meltdowns etc are common. One night after a good, proper snack, teeth and story he wanted to go downstairs because he was 'hungry again'. I said no. It was very late. You survive til breakfast. He cried and screamed 'We are going to die (of hunger)! Our mum is killing us! Who knows what the neighbours thought 😵‍💫

I rarely say no to my son and I don't give a fk what tutting ladies in the shop think of me.

Yeah because the country is in a fabulous state now with the current generation of adults in charge, isn't it?? Oh, wait...

Do you care what he thinks of you? If you do then please start setting proper boundaries, for your sake and his sake, nevermind anyone else.